Has anyone here had a bad experience with the police and willing to share?

[13_reasons]

I'm sad to say that I've only had bad experiences with the police in regards to my mental health. If anything- every unwanted police encounter has left me more traumatised, and now when I see them on the street or see a police car I get flashbacks to my awful experiences.

The police really need better mental health training. The way that they treat anyone in a crisis or who is feeling depressed or with suicidal ideation as a criminal- is truly horrible. For example- I was walking down the street shopping for make up (!) when two male police officers turned up and man- handled me and threatened to handcuff me in public if I didn't go with them- all because I had mentioned to some friends that I was feeling low and depressed and needed to go do some stuff to make myself feel better (shopping for makeup, a yoga class and a haircut!)- the police didn't listen to me, didn't allow me to speak and forced me into a car and dropped me off at the hospital for a "risk assessment".

At the hospital I made the big mistake of being honest and admitting that I was feeling suicidal but had no concrete plans. This was enough to be sectioned and transferred to the psych ward on an involuntary hold to be "watched". So much for having a planned self care day- it was absolutely ruined- all that did was leave me feeling more worthless about myself and it was after that encounter that my suicidality really ramped up.

I've seen and heard stories of people in their depressed/ distressed states being punched/ kicked in the head and stomach by police, handcuffed, tasered, pepper sprayed- all in the name of getting the affected person into the back of their car to take them to hospital. They wonder why people don't reach out for help, don't speak to their friends or call hotlines or community mental health services. I'd rather quietly sit at home with my thoughts than have my nose broken by the police and dragged to hospital- only to have multiple people ask the same idiotic questions over and over again.

The worst thing is knowing that after they've dropped you off is that they're congratulating themselves on a job well done- "another life saved"…

 

[LONE WOLF.]

The Filth! The only way l'd even piss on one of those Halfwits if one was on fire is if l'd been drinking petrol!!!

 

[lili]

This angers me so much to read. It's so faulty the police and how they handle mental health.

I was once having a bad time, and I confessed to a friend that I was cutting myself. But before I used to cut myself everywhere, so I was cutting my face during that period.

I told my friend, which I shouldn't have I know but I told them anyways. And shortly after, there was a huge bang on my door and the cops broke into my home. Just busted the door to come in. while they were banging the door I ran and threw all my drugs away on the toilet, felt like I was in the movie.

And they stormed in as if I were some criminal and made me take off the scarf of my face to reveal my cuts. They searched my whole apartment. They were so rude and terrible, they took me to the police car and sent me to the hospital.

I know it was bad to alarm my friend and tell them that, but I feel like the whole thing ended up being unnecessarily traumatic by involving the police. And it's because police where I was living respond to a lot of suicidal or mental health problems as first responders and that's just wrong. And I've heard worse as well from other people. like being restrained to the ground.

No mentally ill person deserves to be treated in these ill manners through policing when it's all related to feeling a lack of love in the end and just suffering Inter all. Terrible.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

My experience wasn't really bad, but it was unexpected, so I thought I'd share.

The last time I went to the hospital, I was sectioned by my psychiatrist. I knew it was going to happen, and I knew it needed to be done. My husband went to the appointment with me, but the doc insisted I be escorted, so he called 911.

It seemed to take forever for them to get there and when they arrived, my doc asked if they had brought a car. They replied that no, they had "the bus." Yep, little old me went in the back of the "paddy wagon." (Sorry for the insult - this was in Massachusetts, and that's what they called it.) No windows, all alone, with nothing really to hold on to. It sucked, and if I wasn't freaked out before I took that ride, I sure was afterword.

When we got to the emergency room, they unlocked the door but seemed really alarmed when I came out. I guess they were used to people being being locked up inside and forgot that I was not.

The whole thing was humiliating and unexpected. I was a danger to no one but myself. I understand why I had to be escorted (I might have been able to talk my husband out of going) but this level of security was completely unnecessary.

 

[13_reasons]

The Filth! The only way l'd even piss on one of those Halfwits if one was on fire is if l'd been drinking petrol!!!

Haha I laughed so much when I read this. Thanks for cheering me up today! Really needed it

This angers me so much to read. It's so faulty the police and how they handle mental health.

I was once having a bad time, and I confessed to a friend that I was cutting myself. But before I used to cut myself everywhere, so I was cutting my face during that period.

I told my friend, which I shouldn't have I know but I told them anyways. And shortly after, there was a huge bang on my door and the cops broke into my home. Just busted the door to come in. while they were banging the door I ran and threw all my drugs away on the toilet, felt like I was in the movie.

And they stormed in as if I were some criminal and made me take off the scarf of my face to reveal my cuts. They searched my whole apartment. They were so rude and terrible, they took me to the police car and sent me to the hospital.

I know it was bad to alarm my friend and tell them that, but I feel like the whole thing ended up being unnecessarily traumatic by involving the police. And it's because police where I was living respond to a lot of suicidal or mental health problems as first responders and that's just wrong. And I've heard worse as well from other people. like being restrained to the ground.

No mentally ill person deserves to be treated in these ill manners through policing when it's all related to feeling a lack of love in the end and just suffering Inter all. Terrible.

I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience. It really feels like all of your rights as a human being are taken away as soon as the cops are involved. And I also hate that they kicked down your door, causing property damage!

I'm very very wary of telling anyone about my true feelings now- it just causes more stress and trauma to myself and adds something else to the long list of things to recover from. I know that in some countries the police are more "community based" and are better trained in negotiation and de escalation tactics. But in other countries the police force are just getting more weaponised and prefer to shoot first- ask questions later. My country's police force are steadily moving away from community policing to using brute force and dehumanising tactics - and they show no shame or remorse for what they do to people. Having a mental illness does not make you a criminal

My experience wasn't really bad, but it was unexpected, so I thought I'd share.

The last time I went to the hospital, I was sectioned by my psychiatrist. I knew it was going to happen, and I knew it needed to be done. My husband went to the appointment with me, but the doc insisted I be escorted, so he called 911.

It seemed to take forever for them to get there and when they arrived, my doc asked if they had brought a car. They replied that no, they had "the bus." Yep, little old me went in the back of the "paddy wagon." (Sorry for the insult - this was in Massachusetts, and that's what they called it.) No windows, all alone, with nothing really to hold on to. It sucked, and if I wasn't freaked out before I took that ride, I sure was afterword.

When we got to the emergency room, they unlocked the door but seemed really alarmed when I came out. I guess they were used to people being being locked up inside and forgot that I was not.

The whole thing was humiliating and unexpected. I was a danger to no one but myself. I understand why I had to be escorted (I might have been able to talk my husband out of going) but this level of security was completely unnecessary.

Humiliating and unexpected is the perfect way to describe your experience. I can't stand the fact that anyone with a mental illness (who isn't outwardly aggressive/ threatening people with weapons/ responding to an active psychosis with no insight) is treated like an animal. Having suicidal thoughts does not make you "crazy", it's actually a very isolating experience.

Also the fact that you had already agreed to going to the hospital peacefully- putting you in the back of a wagon to rattle around in seems like over kill. I guess they usually just handcuff people to something in the back? I'm so sorry to hear that you had that happen to you- there's so much stigma in someone seeing you being put in the back of a police car- because everyone assumes that you "did something bad" or that you're violent and dangerous.

 

[Infiniteloop]

I'm sad to say that I've only had bad experiences with the police in regards to my mental health. If anything- every unwanted police encounter has left me more traumatised, and now when I see them on the street or see a police car I get flashbacks to my awful experiences.

The police really need better mental health training. The way that they treat anyone in a crisis or who is feeling depressed or with suicidal ideation as a criminal- is truly horrible. For example- I was walking down the street shopping for make up (!) when two male police officers turned up and man- handled me and threatened to handcuff me in public if I didn't go with them- all because I had mentioned to some friends that I was feeling low and depressed and needed to go do some stuff to make myself feel better (shopping for makeup, a yoga class and a haircut!)- the police didn't listen to me, didn't allow me to speak and forced me into a car and dropped me off at the hospital for a "risk assessment".

At the hospital I made the big mistake of being honest and admitting that I was feeling suicidal but had no concrete plans. This was enough to be sectioned and transferred to the psych ward on an involuntary hold to be "watched". So much for having a planned self care day- it was absolutely ruined- all that did was leave me feeling more worthless about myself and it was after that encounter that my suicidality really ramped up.

I've seen and heard stories of people in their depressed/ distressed states being punched/ kicked in the head and stomach by police, handcuffed, tasered, pepper sprayed- all in the name of getting the affected person into the back of their car to take them to hospital. They wonder why people don't reach out for help, don't speak to their friends or call hotlines or community mental health services. I'd rather quietly sit at home with my thoughts than have my nose broken by the police and dragged to hospital- only to have multiple people ask the same idiotic questions over and over again.

The worst thing is knowing that after they've dropped you off is that they're congratulating themselves on a job well done- "another life saved"…

It's unfortunate how people that think differently are treated by society. They struggle so hard to understand us, that they resort to stripping us of our human rights and basic common decency. In efforts to make us like them, instead of truly understanding us.

 

[lili]

Haha I laughed so much when I read this. Thanks for cheering me up today! Really needed it

I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience. It really feels like all of your rights as a human being are taken away as soon as the cops are involved. And I also hate that they kicked down your door, causing property damage!

I'm very very wary of telling anyone about my true feelings now- it just causes more stress and trauma to myself and adds something else to the long list of things to recover from. I know that in some countries the police are more "community based" and are better trained in negotiation and de escalation tactics. But in other countries the police force are just getting more weaponised and prefer to shoot first- ask questions later. My country's police force are steadily moving away from community policing to using brute force and dehumanising tactics - and they show no shame or remorse for what they do to people. Having a mental illness does not make you a criminal

Humiliating and unexpected is the perfect way to describe your experience. I can't stand the fact that anyone with a mental illness (who isn't outwardly aggressive/ threatening people with weapons/ responding to an active psychosis with no insight) is treated like an animal. Having suicidal thoughts does not make you "crazy", it's actually a very isolating experience.

Also the fact that you had already agreed to going to the hospital peacefully- putting you in the back of a wagon to rattle around in seems like over kill. I guess they usually just handcuff people to something in the back? I'm so sorry to hear that you had that happen to you- there's so much stigma in someone seeing you being put in the back of a police car- because everyone assumes that you "did something bad" or that you're violent and dangerous.

Yes sadly I'm wary of sharing with people how I feel, mostly because people can get scared and despite having good intentions to help, they can involve authorities and I feel that worsens the situation. It's sad that's the case and ir shouldn't be but it is.

I think I've learned it's also about getting a sense of people, although as an impulsive person that can be hard to do. There are some people I'm sure who wouldn't call the police. But I for the most part am extremely cautious now in how I share my thoughts to people.

 

[Area Man]

I don't bother with the police and think they are as flawed as any other human beings. They are for dealing with violence and disorder, not my mental health issues.

 

[Eternity]

Jeez. I'm sorry for these really bad experiences :(
Are they even allowed to pick you up from the street like that and later section (!) you for being suicidal without concrete plans? I always thought they only section people if they're an immediate danger to themselves, with concrete plans to ctb. That's the case in my country, even people who do have concrete plans - like myself, multiple times - don't go to the ward. I'm glad about that, otherwise I would never tell my psych anything related with being suicidal.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I made the mistake of sharing how I was feeling to family and friends recently - thankfully no police, but NHS crisis team, who are giant cunts too. I'll never be sharing anything ever again. I feel like people have access to my private thoughts now, which feels horrible. I value my suicidal ideation being a secret. I realize that now.

 

[13_reasons]

I made the mistake of sharing how I was feeling to family and friends recently - thankfully no police, but NHS crisis team, who are giant cunts too. I'll never be sharing anything ever again. I feel like people have access to my private thoughts now, which feels horrible. I value my suicidal ideation being a secret. I realize that now.

Mental health crisis teams are the absolute worst and offer no real help- other than suggest the person contacting them to call the police on you… I'm with you on vowing to never talk or share anyone my feelings again. My plan is just to go back to wearing a happy mask and then one day suddenly I've CTBd.

I'm sorry that you feel that way about people having access to your deepest thoughts. It must feel so violating, and can totally understand how you would feel wary about sharing again. Thank goodness for this forum filled with non judgemental people. Take care

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I assume every police officer is a pig and act accordingly.

 

[13_reasons]

Jeez. I'm sorry for these really bad experiences :(
Are they even allowed to pick you up from the street like that and later section (!) you for being suicidal without concrete plans? I always thought they only section people if they're an immediate danger to themselves, with concrete plans to ctb. That's the case in my country, even people who do have concrete plans - like myself, multiple times - don't go to the ward. I'm glad about that, otherwise I would never tell my psych anything related with being suicidal.

My friends gave them an accurate physical description (including what I was wearing etc) and my location- so the police came up to me, asked me my name and then forced me to come with them- and threatened to handcuff me when I said no and demanded to know why I was being taken away. The police in my country aren't the brightest so they just apply protocols. I asked if I could speak to a mental health crisis team on the phone to explain that I didn't have any concrete plans- and they said no, that the only way I could talk to someone was at an emergency department.

I think my general rule now is to say nothing to anyone, even close friends and family. I refuse to be arrested for having quite natural thoughts in relation to my depression. And I take issue with being treated like a criminal just for being depressed. I'm so glad that your country seems to have a reasonable stance on the matter. I'm pretty upfront with my psychiatrist (he knows I have sodium nitrite at home "just in case") but is willing to work with me instead of the knee jerk reaction of sending me to hospital (which he agrees did nothing other than make my depression much worse).

I assume every police officer is a pig and act accordingly.

Truer words have never been said, my friend. They're all pigs and not very bright- in my country they repeatedly get away with murdering teenagers and don't even get charged with manslaughter- it's disgusting, and our country has truly turned into a police state with the pandemic.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Theyre useless.
I left an abusive home and my abusive "parents" decided to be (drum roll please) abusive (whoda thunk dat?). Basically they called the cops and started shit. The cop shows up to take me back, I'm just about in tears saying I don't want to go back there they abuse me. "do you have anywhere else to go" as someone that's been move miles away from family and has no friends, no, no I dont. And then they send me back down anyway.
I talk to another cop "I'm suicidal because they're abusive" she brings in a nurse for me to talk THEN FUCKING SENDS ME BACK!!!
TAKE A FUCKING HINT YOU GOD DAMN IDIOTS.
And then they wonder why we feel we need to take the law into our own hands because you sure as fuck won't do it

 

[13_reasons]

I don't bother with the police and think they are as flawed as any other human beings. They are for dealing with violence and disorder, not my mental health issues.

They only know how to deal with armed assailants or true criminals- not people with mental health issues, or even physical issues. I've seen videos of how they treat non verbal autistic people, and people with Down syndrome- they truly just default to treating everyone like a criminal, and just assume that everyone who can't answer their questions due to a speech impediment or an intellectual disability is drug affected. They have no shame and they have no motivation to do better .

Theyre useless.
I left an abusive home and my abusive "parents" decided to be (drum roll please) abusive (whoda thunk dat?). Basically they called the cops and started shit. The cop shows up to take me back, I'm just about in tears saying I don't want to go back there they abuse me. "do you have anywhere else to go" as someone that's been move miles away from family and has no friends, no, no I dont. And then they send me back down anyway.
I talk to another cop "I'm suicidal because they're abusive" she brings in a nurse for me to talk THEN FUCKING SENDS ME BACK!!!
TAKE A FUCKING HINT YOU GOD DAMN IDIOTS.
And then they wonder why we feel we need to take the law into our own hands because you sure as fuck won't do it

That is a truly awful story and I'm sorry that happened to you- you deserved better and you deserved to be listened to. I really have no words for how they treated you. That is just shocking.

The whole police organisation needs to be overhauled and re built. They don't really care if someone is being abused- but they do care if the abused victim acts out against their perpetrators. The system is set up to fail the true victims and it's disgusting. But- the police have no shame. They don't care. And it really shows…

 

[Pain In The Ass]

Mental health crisis teams are the absolute worst and offer no real help- other than suggest the person contacting them to call the police on you… I'm with you on vowing to never talk or share anyone my feelings again. My plan is just to go back to wearing a happy mask and then one day suddenly I've CTBd.

I'm sorry that you feel that way about people having access to your deepest thoughts. It must feel so violating, and can totally understand how you would feel wary about sharing again. Thank goodness for this forum filled with non judgemental people. Take care

They give you a grilling, picking apart every word you say, trying to prove that you're not in the state of mind you say you are, so they can dismiss you and get back up to the office to eat cakes and drink coffee.

I feel the same as you now, just keep smiling and pretend everything's OK, then BAM, GONE, TOTAL SURPRISE!!!

 

[Area Man]

I made the mistake of sharing how I was feeling to family and friends recently - thankfully no police, but NHS crisis team, who are giant cunts too. I'll never be sharing anything ever again. I feel like people have access to my private thoughts now, which feels horrible. I value my suicidal ideation being a secret. I realize that now.

I actually today came clean with them about my attempt last week and they did crack on with arranging a visit on Monday. Obviously I've not made it seem too urgent so we have no threat of committal yet but I'll have to be careful to avoid that still. I want a psychiatric doctor to give me something that'll stabilise me enough with my advanced issues to be able to focus and function better. I'm paralysed by anxiety and OCD symptoms and probably have bipolar too.

I'm trying to keep what happened from my dad and would like to avoid upsetting him too much for the time being. He's feeling bad enough, because of his interpretation of events, as it is.

 

[stoiccactus]

Yeah, this is what prevents me from being too honest with my therapist or with friends about suicidal ideation and intent. I want to get help, like I really do but most people (my therapist included) are always assessing whether to call the cops on me or not. Dealing with the local cops (I'm in Chicago) is probably the worst thing I can think of when it comes to getting help. My life is barely held together right now and I can't even imagine how much worse it would be if I had to deal with the legal system on top of everything else.

 

[13_reasons]

They give you a grilling, picking apart every word you say, trying to prove that you're not in the state of mind you say you are, so they can dismiss you and get back up to the office to eat cakes and drink coffee.

I feel the same as you now, just keep smiling and pretend everything's OK, then BAM, GONE, TOTAL SURPRISE!!!

Haha the element of surprise is a good one to stick to. I like imagining the look in everyone's faces: "but there were no warning signs"… :)

 

[Pain In The Ass]

Haha the element of surprise is a good one to stick to. I like imagining the look in everyone's faces: "but there were no warning signs"… :)

It's much easier to plan and prepare when no one suspects anything. And there's something pleasant about secretly plotting, like a spy or saboteur!

There probably were signs if they had paid more attention, and even if they noticed the 'signs', what would they have done to help? Probably just phoned someone else to deal with it, like the crisis team or the police, or gave you the phone number for the Samaritans - yeah, thanks for that, that's SOOO much help!

 

[LONE WOLF.]

Haha I laughed so much when I read this. Thanks for cheering me up today! Really needed it

I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience. It really feels like all of your rights as a human being are taken away as soon as the cops are involved. And I also hate that they kicked down your door, causing property damage!

I'm very very wary of telling anyone about my true feelings now- it just causes more stress and trauma to myself and adds something else to the long list of things to recover from. I know that in some countries the police are more "community based" and are better trained in negotiation and de escalation tactics. But in other countries the police force are just getting more weaponised and prefer to shoot first- ask questions later. My country's police force are steadily moving away from community policing to using brute force and dehumanising tactics - and they show no shame or remorse for what they do to people. Having a mental illness does not make you a criminal

Humiliating and unexpected is the perfect way to describe your experience. I can't stand the fact that anyone with a mental illness (who isn't outwardly aggressive/ threatening people with weapons/ responding to an active psychosis with no insight) is treated like an animal. Having suicidal thoughts does not make you "crazy", it's actually a very isolating experience.

Also the fact that you had already agreed to going to the hospital peacefully- putting you in the back of a wagon to rattle around in seems like over kill. I guess they usually just handcuff people to something in the back? I'm so sorry to hear that you had that happen to you- there's so much stigma in someone seeing you being put in the back of a police car- because everyone assumes that you "did something bad" or that you're violent and dangerous.

@13_reasons, You're Welcome

 

[stellabelle]

An abuser using the police to lie and continue the abuse and blaming the victim.

Cycle repeats.

Police.

Worthless.

My mother?

Hopefully burning in hell with alll her horny thoughts of 20 year old boys coming to solve her 40 year old "problems" with her children who were victims of her abuse, laying under a flashlight of blame for no reason at all.

 

[lili]

Yeah to add to this thread again, I feel it's like you mention I tried to kill myself and all the alarm bells sound.

They immediately stop seeing you as the friend/ family or person you are and you turn into this impredictable thing that has no will of its own and needs to be forced into submission.

 

[13_reasons]

It's much easier to plan and prepare when no one suspects anything. And there's something pleasant about secretly plotting, like a spy or saboteur!

There probably were signs if they had paid more attention, and even if they noticed the 'signs', what would they have done to help? Probably just phoned someone else to deal with it, like the crisis team or the police, or gave you the phone number for the Samaritans - yeah, thanks for that, that's SOOO much help!

This is what keeps me calm and much less impulsive- the fact that I can quietly squirrel away SN and whatever equipment I need, whilst making my friends, family and therapists think that I'm recovering and no longer suicidal. So whenever I feel distressed- I channel that energy into making my outside appearance look "perfect" to divert the attention from what's really going on inside.

I'm strongly of the belief that people who call the crisis team on you (instead of just being a sympathetic ear) are actually just looking after their own interests at the end of the day- they don't want to sit in discomfort, they want an instant "solution" to the problem (you), and they want to feel like they're "doing something" (and are completely oblivious to the trauma they've inflicted on you…)

An abuser using the police to lie and continue the abuse and blaming the victim.

Cycle repeats.

Police.

Worthless.

My mother?

Hopefully burning in hell with alll her horny thoughts of 20 year old boys coming to solve her 40 year old "problems" with her children who were victims of her abuse, laying under a flashlight of blame for no reason at all.

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you. The police are completely worthless, and are never truly on the victims' side. And they're so dumb that they always get blindly manipulated by perpetrators of abuse and they don't even realise or care that this causes further damage.

Yeah to add to this thread again, I feel it's like you mention I tried to kill myself and all the alarm bells sound.

They immediately stop seeing you as the friend/ family or person you are and you turn into this impredictable thing that has no will of its own and needs to be forced into submission.

100%. It's like they think some crazy wild animal has been unleashed and now needs to be subdued against its will and locked away for its own good. Without taking the time to find out why it tried to escape or why it is so upset- is it injured and in pain, has someone been abusing it, is it hungry, is it lonely?

The mental health campaigns that tell people to call crisis numbers and teams are the worst by the way- it's confidential support until the police are trying to bash down your door…

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I channel that energy into making my outside appearance look "perfect" to divert the attention from what's really going on inside.

this is good - this is what I'll be doing from now on - sometimes I get this urge to tell people how bad shit is, because I think if they knew they would do more to help, or if THIS NHS department could get involved, THEN the real help will begin, but it's all shit - my parents know, and still don't take it seriously - they will when the police come knocking at the door asking if they can come in, and can you please sit down, because we have some bad news!

 

[13_reasons]

this is good - this is what I'll be doing from now on - sometimes I get this urge to tell people how bad shit is, because I think if they knew they would do more to help, or if THIS NHS department could get involved, THEN the real help will begin, but it's all shit - my parents know, and still don't take it seriously - they will when the police come knocking at the door asking if they can come in, and can you please sit down, because we have some bad news!

Absolutely- every time the thoughts or urges get too much I'm tempted to tell someone to help with how shit I really feel. But then I double down and work on doing something productive that will help with my long term plan to CTB- declutter the house and sell my stuff, go through my inbox and clear it out, make sure I have clean clothes and am well groomed when I go out.

I have hobbies, I go on walks, I go to church when I can- outsiders LOVE seeing this. They relax a bit and get off your back because you're exhibiting all the signs of recovery. But they don't realise that all of this effort actually goes towards you finally being successful at CTB.

And like you- I always tell myself that they next time anyone hears that I am suicidal is when they get informed by the police that I'm long gone. And this is the thought that sustains me when it gets pretty dark. It keeps me grounded and in line.

 

[ornitier199]

saboteur!

Oerba yun Fang would like a word with you.

I thought I could share my experience but then it just got sucked right back in.
I dunno, used to be more be more open to sharing and but I found it much easier to repress and throw the past away.

I've learned though to keep it to myself and just do it.
At least I hear his same voice repeating in my head 'just do it'. 'You slug'.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

Absolutely- every time the thoughts or urges get too much I'm tempted to tell someone to help with how shit I really feel. But then I double down and work on doing something productive that will help with my long term plan to CTB- declutter the house and sell my stuff, go through my inbox and clear it out, make sure I have clean clothes and am well groomed when I go out.

I have hobbies, I go on walks, I go to church when I can- outsiders LOVE seeing this. They relax a bit and get off your back because you're exhibiting all the signs of recovery. But they don't realise that all of this effort actually goes towards you finally being successful at CTB.

And like you- I always tell myself that they next time anyone hears that I am suicidal is when they get informed by the police that I'm long gone. And this is the thought that sustains me when it gets pretty dark. It keeps me grounded and in line.

Yeah, I'll just work on getting everything sorted so that there's not much for anyone to sort out - lists of all accounts to shut down, stuff like that - ideally I want to go when my parents are on holiday, so I can clear every single object from this house that has any association with me whatsoever, so that there's literally nothing for my Mum to sit there holding and crying and thinking of me - I'll throw all the family photos away, and even chop down a small cherry tree I bought for her that's in the garden - it probably sounds cruel, but I just feel like, NO... you don't get to ignore what's happening, AND get to play the grieving Mother too! I'm leaving strict instructions for no funeral, body straight to crematorium, all pre-paid, fuck you all!

 

[lostmylove]

They tasered my 20 year old partner with cancer when he was clearly having a mental health crisis and no weapons or anything on him.

 

[13_reasons]

Oerba yun Fang would like a word with you.

I thought I could share my experience but then it just got sucked right back in.
I dunno, used to be more be more open to sharing and but I found it much easier to repress and throw the past away.

I've learned though to keep it to myself and just do it.
At least I hear his same voice repeating in my head 'just do it'. 'You slug'.

That's a good personal mantra to have. And it is easier to repress and not share and keep working towards the ultimate goal- absolutely agree with you