Move away from the thoughts of being a hypocrite in this situation.
Look at your own suicidality as an
ally, instead, because it gives you an ability to relate to that person on an empathetic level that most people cannot.
At the same time, you want to be careful so as not to take on too much ownership of their situation. If you find yourself in too deep, emotionally, don't hesitate to reach out for help in dealing with your own emotions.
So, suicidality occurs on a spectrum. On one extreme is "
passive ideation" while on the other extreme is "
they're attempting suicide right now." For anybody who deals with this, they can be anywhere on that spectrum at any given time.
If they're currently on the lower end of the spectrum -- maybe just lamenting life and saying how they'd rather be dead, but not actually actively suicidal, then maybe there is a conversation to be had, or maybe there's not. Sometimes just being with the other person -- just being present with them -- and the fact that they know you're available if they need support, is all they need. If in doubt, you could ask if they want to talk about it. Or you could request permission to ask them questions about it.
If you're talking to someone who is actively suicidal, you want to use direct language all the way through the conversation. This is to say, you're not going to do any harm by asking point-blank questions such as,
"Are you thinking of suicide?" "Have you thought about how you'd do it?" "When are you planning to die?" "Do you have access to the things you want to use to do it?" These types of questions can act as a risk assessment of sorts.
General pointers:
- You want to do more listening than talking.
- You can repeat back to them (paraphrase) some of the things they say to show them you're actively listening.
- Communicate in a way that's supportive, understanding, and free of criticism or judgement.
- Maintain a reassuring, hopeful tone.
- Validate their feelings.
- Ask what's causing them to feel suicidal.
- Ask how you can help.
- Ask what they think would make them feel better.
- Ask what reasons they have to keep living.
It's OK to push back on their reasons for wanting to die, but be gentle about it and as realistic as possible. Their reasons for wanting to die are distinct from their feelings; again, be careful not to make invalidating statements. If unable to think of reasons to live, remind them that the very fact they're engaged in conversation with you is evidence that they're unsure about their decision to die.
You could research treatment options for them. You could offer to help and support them in any efforts to engage treatment. But only do this if you're willing to follow through. Avoid false statements, false promises, and false hopes.
If you have to leave their presence while they are still in a state of emotional distress, then what you want to do is help them make a plan to stay safe through the night (or through to the next day or whatever time period). If they've ever engaged in treatment, what techniques have they learned to help get them through the moment? What distractions can they engage in? You want them to buy into the idea of staying safe in the short-term. Ask them to make a list of people and phone numbers they can contact if they spiral again in the interim. Ask them to promise you that if they start spiralling again, they'll make a call to a loved one, or otherwise emergency services if they can't reach a loved one.
And of course, with respect to the fact that we're talking about this on a pro-choice suicide forum... If the other person intends on dying in the immediate future, and they have a detailed plan, and they have ready access to the means to carry out their plan... Then, pro-choice or not, there is a difficult decision to be made, indeed.
This is just a general blueprint. There is no perfect way to navigate this kind of conversation or situation.
Remember you can only do your best, and your best is all you can ask or expect of yourself.
