Has anyone else never wanted to be alive?

[FuneralCry]

I think this way of thinking has always been ingrained in my mind. From a young age I have always had an fascination with death, what comes after this life. I have always found it comforting. I have always struggled with this existence. Even as a child I was never happy, due being autistic everything frustrated me. I have always struggled with sensitivity to certain sounds. Even as at teenager there wasn't much wrong with my life in terms of circumstances but I just felt so empty, I thought life was just so pointless and I couldn't imagine anyone feeling different. I think I have never had a strong will to live and I lack the capacity to deal with situations that other people can handle easily. My mind automatically thinks about suicide when in crisis, this has been seen when I have been struggling with physical health problems, while many others try and adjust and cope, I just think of drifting into an eternal sleep.
It has been interesting to see other points of view though, how some people were perfectly content throughout their life and were lead to these kind of thoughts through life's circumstances. I don't even know what happiness really feels like. If it exists I would love to steal it from someone.

 

[Sslsh]

I find life futile and pointless. Nothing's ever perfect. NOTHING. Yet we crave perfection. We run after things that will never give us the satisfaction we hope for. Although i really wish I were never born, right now I wish for nothing more than the sweet release of death.

 

[WornOutLife]

Umm when I was a child I really wanted to leave.
Then, I turned 12 and became suicidal because of my goddamn school and from that point on, I've felt like not living.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

I have always had a morbid fascination with death and dying, said disturbing things when I was very young that I have been told about that no child should be saying. I think about it all the time when I get and got really worried I would just think about dying and it would provide some relief because what is the worst that can happen I die?

Other people worry about dying I think even when they are old and I didn't really get it I can only remember a few times when I have been extremely happy when I thought that I would really like not to die right now so I guess so.

I must have zero resilience because any problem will keep my brain in the wish to die mode, not actively but passively just always there. I'd appreciate fate or someone else to do me a favour but I doubt that is ever going to happen because no matter how scary and dangerous people say the world is it just isn't for me, I'm safe I've always been safe annoyingly. I don't want to wait too long for this maybe the thinking is just day dreaming and an obsession I've never been able to or want to get rid of.

I unserstand what you mean by coping that's how I see it too, think I'm rambling a bit with the reply now but COPING is what we need to do especially being autistic we need that safety, control, or routine and I don't know maybe knowing what will eventually happen is nice and we may as well focus on that because the stuff that happens in the middle is just kind of circumstantial.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Yes - to an extent. It is not that I never wanted to be alive, and I am actually happy that I was born, but I do not/did not want to be alive past a certain age - an age that has since passed.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I just want to be relieved from this already. At last.... at last

 

[Pookie]

I don't think I've ever been truly happy but I've had some good times in the past. I basically wish I was never born in the first place.

 

[wanttodie]

I have always found it comforting in want to die and end my life and not wanting to live

 

[S like suicide]

"I think I have never had a strong will to live and I lack the capacity to deal with situations that other people can handle easily. My mind automatically thinks about suicide when in crisis, this has been seen when I have been struggling with physical health problems, while many others try and adjust and cope, I just think of drifting into an eternal sleep."the same for me!
For me, happiness is when I am filled by a strong feeling of joy for something or someone that gives me goosebumps. Depression steals the joy and good feelings a bit like harry potter's dementors! I think i was happy but very few times compared to the bad times and the suffering. since early adolescence I realized that there was something wrong with me and that it would have been better if I had never been born.

 

[RedHarlequin]

I just remember thinking as a kid that everyone was suicidal you were just not supposed to talk about it. I also had some moments of joy but the depression and suicidality far outweighed them. Now there is even no joy left.

 

[DarkNearDeath]

I started having suicidal thoughts in the early age 11-12.. Times where I really wanted to die.. but it's always been.. "never wanted to live but forced to for other people's sake.."

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I feel like I was a literal error. A mistake. Not that I don't want to exist, I should HAVE NEVER existed in the first place. I might be helpful at first,but eventually I will ruin the relationship so beware...

 

[Lost Magic]

Yup, never wanted to be here. Even as a kid, I asked my uncle: What the hell is this life all about?

 

[RedundantRecord]

Yes, I've never wanted to have anything to do with being alive. I've never thought that not being finished would ever be better than being finished to begin with, because not being finished is all for the sake of a process of pleasant experiences to repeat as if it were about a high score that's for being sufficient enough compared to others until finished when that in itself is still pointless. I've been mostly going along with whatever chores that were necessary for continuing while passing the time in some few ways I could prefer to do so, much like most others but with having caused entirely different reactions I suppose. If circumstances were to determine which reactions are warranted then what I would call internal circumstances the core of that, how interactions between you and the environment can occur depends on your values, reactions and relations with everything. Because there is no significant substance or motivation to life it has been very frustrating to come across people in reoccurring places that repeatedly harass me on things they don't care about for fun. It has been increasingly obvious and straining how emptily pointless existence is, it seems that others who want existence take satisfaction only inside of some infatuation with amusement and sensations which I neither share nor want. Taking this into account it's not strange that there is no strong will to live, perseverance or resilience against further resistance on that which isn't wanted to begin with.

 

[Meliæ]

If I could express myself properly I could have written every word of this

 

[Snake of Eden]

Every waking second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade..

 

[toforigivelife]

Yes.

 

[filthyrottendirty]

Yes I think more about dying than living

 

[BrokenLine]

yes

 

[summers]

I've had some awesome times in my life (and some really shitty times too). I'm glad I had the chance to experience what I did, but that has run its course. Now I feel like I'm in a holding pattern, just going through the motions.

 

[Elohim]

I think this way of thinking has always been ingrained in my mind. From a young age I have always had an fascination with death, what comes after this life. I have always found it comforting. I have always struggled with this existence. Even as a child I was never happy, due being autistic everything frustrated me. I have always struggled with sensitivity to certain sounds. Even as at teenager there wasn't much wrong with my life in terms of circumstances but I just felt so empty, I thought life was just so pointless and I couldn't imagine anyone feeling different. I think I have never had a strong will to live and I lack the capacity to deal with situations that other people can handle easily. My mind automatically thinks about suicide when in crisis, this has been seen when I have been struggling with physical health problems, while many others try and adjust and cope, I just think of drifting into an eternal sleep.
It has been interesting to see other points of view though, how some people were perfectly content throughout their life and were lead to these kind of thoughts through life's circumstances. I don't even know what happiness really feels like. If it exists I would love to steal it from someone.

I guess since I was 13 I've already contemplated suicide
I totally get you

 

[drmihilo]

I stopped wanting to live when, as a teenager, I became acquainted with death and, most importantly, the suffering and instability of this imperfect world. Anything can happen here, right? And that scares me the most. Whatever pain we come up with, reality will make it much better, and accordingly, any imaginary hell can become only flowers of former ignorance. Therefore, yes, I do not want to live ... But circumstances in the form of a family do not allow me to go beyond the line of non-existence.

 

[targz]

I've been 'philosophically' suicidal since I was probably around 13-15 and I realised later it wasn't just a hormonal teenager thing. I wouldn't say I've never wanted to be alive, but definitely since I first started forming my own views on the world.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I relate with you FC. I also don't know what happiness feels like either. I also wish I could steal it from somebody too. Those who are happy are so lucky and I relate to never being happy even during as a child due to autism. I also struggle with things that other people can do easily. Life is so exhausting for me though I feel slightly better relating to you

 

[Anon1337]

I was happy until the age of 13. Life was genuinely good back then.

 

[sserafim]

Yeah, I never even wanted to exist in the first place, but unfortunately, existence was forced upon me, and I didn't have a choice or say in it. It just happened, it's not like I could consent to it.

 

[DreamEnd]

I honestly don't know how it's possible to answer that question. An infant can't possibly think of something like this so let's assume it would be someone whose consciousness has developed enough to answer this question. I think the default position in a human of that age would be no. I don't think they even think of death at that age but I guess there are rarities. The will to die develops only from the will to live so the will to live has to come first regardless. Only after experiencing the suffering and the meaninglessness of life can one decide to go ahead and ctb. But that's just my opinion.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

It's too much effort to be "alive".

 

[recat]

I was happy until the age of 13. Life was genuinely good back then.

age of 14 for me. that was, almost, when my life peaked. my life actually peaked a few years ago when i was almost cured of my depression and had some wonderful experiences with my love in beautiful locations that i can never forget. but now that is gone and all I can think of every day now is how and when I will end it, because I absolutely cannot live past 2024 like this

 

[AshersGirl]

This is interesting because I actually relate with many points.

I think, before I turned 4 and a lot of shit started happening, I probably was "happy".

But I started self harming around 6. I didn't know what self harming was, I was just hurting myself because things at home were fucked up. I wanted to be gone. Escape. Pretty soon escape translated in my brain to "be dead", because that was the only way I thought I could escape.

BPD and autism have a lot of overlapping symptoms. But anyway, my brain got wired differently based upon childhood trauma and I think I've probably had suicidal ideation since I was…maybe 8? Give or take a few years. I do know my first attempt I was 12.

But wishing I was dead is my default thought whenever ANYTHING triggers me and those triggers don't have to be big life events or hard hitters, they could simply be that someone said something that I interpreted as an attack, but was perfectly innocent. I think my brain stuck on suicidal thoughts as a trauma response as a kid and now it's ingrained in me. When fight or flight is triggered, death is my response. And with BPD, I live on high alert. So the suicidal thoughts rarely go away.

I've experienced euphoria (BPD manic stage) but I used to bounce about all over the place - massive highs, deep lows - sometimes in the course of an hour. But it's not really "happiness".

True happiness was love and stability and a sense of peace and safety. No manic highs, no deep lows. Something I found in the arms of my fiancé. Calm. He was like an anchor, he centred me.

When he died everything flooded back tenfold.
But still: I got to experience "happy". For that I'm grateful. For him I'm grateful. But I'm done now.