Has anyone else lost a child to suicide?

[K-O]

There are no sides. Yes, show compassion for everyone including OP and those who don't agree with your opinions!

GOOD THEN WE AGREE- NOW I CAN GO ON GRIEVING.. AND U CAN GO ON WITH YOURS..

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

This is coming from the other side of the issue. I am a son to a father who has lost his first child when it was only five years old. For the past several months I have debated whether or not to leave my note. This note is over fourty pages long and was an attempt to capture my thoughts or philosophy on certain issues if you will, that I came to throughout the last couple of years. The problem I have with it is that I can not take myself all that seriously. In some parts, I see myself rationalizing my own shortcomings; it perfectly reflects the tornness of my inner life and worldview, it is torn between guilt and self abolition, cynicism and seriousness, nihilism and moralizing, idealism and my own shortcomings, thinking I have it all figured out and realizing the solipsistic nature of my worldview.

This has gone so far that I have added a disclaimer to the note which states that I revoke everything that is said within it and that actually, I laugh about what I have wrote and don't take it seriously—all the while in the note itself I am in parts ruthless and dead serious.

The problem is, as I said, that it is a reflection of myself, that I despise, and reading it I become aware of that fact, and this is why I don't want to print and leave it behind.

Do you think it would still be better to leave the note?

 

[AcornUnderground]

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

This is coming from the other side of the issue. I am a son to a father who has lost his first child when it was only five years old. For the past several months I have debated whether or not to leave my note. This note is over fourty pages long and was an attempt to capture my thoughts or philosophy on certain issues if you will, that I came to throughout the last couple of years. The problem I have with it is that I can not take myself all that seriously. In some parts, I see myself rationalizing my own shortcomings; it perfectly reflects the tornness of my inner life and worldview, it is torn between guilt and self abolition, cynicism and seriousness, nihilism and moralizing, idealism and my own shortcomings, thinking I have it all figured out and realizing the solipsistic nature of my worldview.

This has gone so far that I have added a disclaimer to the note which states that I revoke everything that is said within it and that actually, I laugh about what I have wrote and don't take it seriously—all the while in the note itself I am in parts ruthless and dead serious.

The problem is, as I said, that it is a reflection of myself, that I despise, and reading it I become aware of that fact, and this is why I don't want to print and leave it behind.

Do you think it would still be better to leave the note?

I think it's important to leave a note perhaps from the mindset of the person you are leaving it for - yes the whole thing they want to know is why , but also a feeling that you understand the awful place you left them in, and acknowledging that for them and - if it's true - how you wish that could be spared for them. As far as the why - it sounds like what you wrote may be confusing to the average reader and perhaps could be summarized in a way they maybe could better understand. Then again, you want your father to fully understand you so here I am, no help at all!

Sorry I know you are wanting a response from the OP. She says she doesn't get on here often just FYI.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

I think it's important to leave a note perhaps from the mindset of the person you are leaving it for - yes the whole thing they want to know is why , but also a feeling that you understand the awful place you left them in, and acknowledging that for them and - if it's true - how you wish that could be spared for them. As far as the why - it sounds like what you wrote may be confusing to the average reader and perhaps could be summarized in a way they maybe could better understand. Then again, you want your father to fully understand you so here I am, no help at all!

Sorry I know you are wanting a response from the OP. She says she doesn't get on here often just FYI.

A part of me does not want to spare them the grief, because I would feel it to be an injustice and counterproductive. It would be feeding their denial about the reality of, for example, having children when you are clearly incapable of providing for them—or, in the case of my father, deeply depressed and emotionally stunted. Or my brother, because he is getting engaged to his girlfriend and if I could spare him this dose of reality he might have children without really thinking about it, and the cycle would just keep repeating and repeating (our family is filled with male fuck ups, alcoholics and suicides). It is like I want to break their denial about their addiction to life. The greatest tragedy, and one that has plagued me throughout my adolescence, was that my parents (each individually, with their new partners) could have another child; because I don't want to see yet another fucked up person come out of that. And the same goes for my brother or some of my friends.

One section for example tries to explain to them why I tjink suicide prevention is mislead, in an effort to convince them not to engage in it as a reaction to my suicide. In another section I am defending myself against accusations of being mentally ill.

So my intention was definitely not to make them feel good or say consoling words.
Why should I console them? since it is me who is in so much pain to kill himself. There is one part where I try to explain determinism to them, and that there is a certain compassion that arises from it, in which I say I cannot intellectually blame anyone for having harmed me though.
.
I realize there is an element of revenge in all of that, be it against life or the people who I feel have wronged me somewhere in the past.

 

[AcornUnderground]

I think it's important to leave a note perhaps from the mindset of the person you are leaving it for - yes the whole thing they want to know is why , but also a feeling that you understand the awful place you left them in, and acknowledging that for them and - if it's true - how you wish that could be spared for them. As far as the why - it sounds like what you wrote may be confusing to the average reader and perhaps could be summarized in a way they maybe could better understand. Then again, you want your father to fully understand you so here I am, no help at all!

Sorry I know you are wanting a response from the OP. She says she doesn't get on here often just FYI.

A part of me does not want to spare them the grief, because I would feel it to be an injustice and counterproductive. It would be feeding their denial about the reality of, for example, having children when you are clearly incapable of providing for them—or, in the case of my father, deeply depressed and emotionally stunted. Or my brother, because he is getting engaged to his girlfriend and if I could spare him this dose of reality he might have children without really thinking about it, and the cycle would just keep repeating and repeating (our family is filled with male fuck ups, alcoholics and suicides). It is like I want to break their denial about their addiction to life. The greatest tragedy, and one that has plagued me throughout my adolescence, was that my parents (each individually, with their new partners) could have another child; because I don't want to see yet another fucked up person come out of that. And the same goes for my brother or some of my friends.

One section for example tries to explain to them why I tjink suicide prevention is mislead, in an effort to convince them not to engage in it as a reaction to my suicide. In another section I am defending myself against accusations of being mentally ill.

So my intention was definitely not to make them feel good or say consoling words.
Why should I console them? since it is me who is in so much pain to kill himself. There is one part where I try to explain determinism to them, and that there is a certain compassion that arises from it, in which I say I cannot intellectually blame anyone for having harmed me though.
.
I realize there is an element of revenge in all of that, be it against life or the people who I feel have wronged me somewhere in the past.

I think that I get where you are coming from. Each situation produces a different note. For example, I have to write notes to my own children, which makes me literally sick and of course the focus of those notes are caring more about them than me. For my father, I hardly wrote much based on my relationship with him. My mother is dead, but my note to her would have been pages and pages long filled with a lot of love and remorse for leaving her. I have 5 siblings; we all have good relationships. I essentially wrote them each a few sentences as part of a larger note, when really there is so much life and history between each of us individually, it's not fair to leave them hanging like that. That is the message the OP was probably trying to get across - I have notes that I should write. My father and siblings deserve more. It is just too sad and exhausting for me. The loss is so huge, I just don't want to talk about it. I'm exhausted from pages and pages and videos for my children. It's hard to stay alive with that kind of pain.
But you - you come from a different place altogether. You see your situation as a consequence of your family. I have a lot I could blame my parents for, in fact I probably wouldn't be in this predicament if they had taken better care of me, but they were not malicious at all and had no ill intent. I can't relate to your position but I very much see your point of view.

 

[MaybeSoon]

What does this have to to with the OP's actions and taking responsibility for those?

EDIT: Sorry, I just caught up on the whole thing. I am sorry that there are people mentally tortured enough to have the mindset that this world is by design an awful and evil place. It is really unfortunate that there are people that have experienced no joy or happiness, somehow broken from
the beginning, enough to call the world a vile place and place anyone at fault for bringing new life into it.

Sigh. It's sad that there are people that don't understand that for the vast majority of people, this world is a beautiful place and life, even with its bumps, is well worth living.

The OP lost her daughter because her daughter had a stroke and her world became suffering. Too much suffering. Many of us here know what too much suffering feels like; mental or physical.

The world was not intended to provide a place of only suffering and pain. If your life has been nothing but awful, you either got dealt a shitty card and are in the minority of people, or perhaps even you are doing something wrong and aren't handling the world and your life correctly.

One thing is certain: The OP certainly does not have to "take responsibility for her actions". She lost a child. Bringing a child into the world, when done by responsible people with full intentions of loving and raising that child well, are providing the gift of life to another person. Life is unfortunately unpredictable and that, as I've learned, is scary as hell.

I am in a literal living hell right now. It will not end well at all. I will be in pain until I finally die at my own hand, which I have no interest in doing but must because I'm literally bedridden at a very young age with no way to support myself. Never in a million years would it cross my mind to blame my parents for bringing me into this world. Even if I suffered from the moment I was born, I was brought into the world with love. The OP loved her daughter.

I am sorry for those that were never loved by their parents, or had parents that should have never had kids, or even worse: those that had parents that loved them, and they couldn't see it or didn't care. There is nothing worse than being a parent that can't help their child.

Excellent post.

 

[Deformationalplagio]

My mother wouldn't care if i died. Even worse she fucked my life so badly neglecting me as a child that it caused a facial and skull deformity so it her fault . It may sound bad, but i wish all the bad things in the world upon her. I just cant imagine that moms really do care about there childs commiting suicide. I always thought they just act like that because there scared people think its because of them, so basically a form of narcissism and guilt. Maybe its because i never had some form of love in my life that i look at life this way or maybe i just see trough all the bullshit. But either way if a child kills himself its because life turned his back on them. Could it be helped? Probably yes unless its a mental illness or deformity. but people are so busy with themselves that they dont see the pain of others untill its too late.

 

[AcornUnderground]

My mother wouldn't care if i died. Even worse she fucked my life so badly neglecting me as a child that it caused a facial and skull deformity so it her fault . It may sound bad, but i wish all the bad things in the world upon her. I just cant imagine that moms really do care about there childs commiting suicide. I always thought they just act like that because there scared people think its because of them, so basically a form of narcissism and guilt. Maybe its because i never had some form of love in my life that i look at life this way or maybe i just see trough all the bullshit. But either way if a child kills himself its because life turned his back on them. Could it be helped? Probably yes unless its a mental illness or deformity. but people are so busy with themselves that they dont see the pain of others untill its too late.

I am so sorry for you. I can promise you that losing a child literally destroys people's lives. Destroys their soul. Most people that lose a child feel that way.

 

[K-O]

What does this have to to with the OP's actions and taking responsibility for those?

EDIT: Sorry, I just caught up on the whole thing. I am sorry that there are people mentally tortured enough to have the mindset that this world is by design an awful and evil place. It is really unfortunate that there are people that have experienced no joy or happiness, somehow broken from
the beginning, enough to call the world a vile place and place anyone at fault for bringing new life into it.

Sigh. It's sad that there are people that don't understand that for the vast majority of people, this world is a beautiful place and life, even with its bumps, is well worth living.

The OP lost her daughter because her daughter had a stroke and her world became suffering. Too much suffering. Many of us here know what too much suffering feels like; mental or physical.

The world was not intended to provide a place of only suffering and pain. If your life has been nothing but awful, you either got dealt a shitty card and are in the minority of people, or perhaps even you are doing something wrong and aren't handling the world and your life correctly.

One thing is certain: The OP certainly does not have to "take responsibility for her actions". She lost a child. Bringing a child into the world, when done by responsible people with full intentions of loving and raising that child well, are providing the gift of life to another person. Life is unfortunately unpredictable and that, as I've learned, is scary as hell.

I am in a literal living hell right now. It will not end well at all. I will be in pain until I finally die at my own hand, which I have no interest in doing but must because I'm literally bedridden at a very young age with no way to support myself. Never in a million years would it cross my mind to blame my parents for bringing me into this world. Even if I suffered from the moment I was born, I was brought into the world with love. The OP loved her daughter.

I am sorry for those that were never loved by their parents, or had parents that should have never had kids, or even worse: those that had parents that loved them, and they couldn't see it or didn't care. There is nothing worse than being a parent that can't help their child.

MY PARENTS LOVE ME THE WAY THEY KNOW AND CAN..
WHAT IS RESPONSIBILITY ANYWAY? WHAT IS LOVE? IT IS SUBJECTIVE..
YOU CAN NOT MEASURE LOVE.. OR PAIN.. I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THIS LOGIC.. WERE NOT ROBOTS.
FOR ME PAIN SADNESS AND ALL THAT YOU READ AS "BAD" IS NOT.
BEAUTIFUL THINGS ARE SAD TO ME, AND VISA VERSA IT CO EXISTS.
ITS NOT BLACK AND WIGHT. AND THAT IS COMPASSION AND LOVE RIGHT THERE.
I HAVE BEEN ABUSED IN WAYS THAT MAYBE IN YOUR MIND WOULD PROBABLY BE NOT "BAD" BUT TERRIBLE!
AND I DO NOT BLAME MY PARENTS FOR "DOING" IT TO ME OR SOCIETY FOE ENABLING AND INDULGING IN IT..
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VENTING "TECHNICAL" SHIT OUT THERE- WHAT WAS DONE TO ME ETC.. AND THE ACTUAL RESPONSIBILITY THAT WE HAVE TO OUR SELVES AND OUR PERSONAL TRUTHS - WHICH BTW IN THE END- WHEN I WAS VERY CLOSE TO IT- ALL I FELT WAS LOVE!..
I DO NOT SHARE YOUR POINT OF AT ALL.
LIFE IS HORRIFICALLY BEAUTIFUL. FULL OF LOVE AND PAIN. FULL OF KINDNESS AND EVIL.
HAVE YOU EVER EXPERIENCED WAR?..
WAR LIFE MENTALITY IS THE TRUE LIFE MENTALITY!
HUMAN NATURE!
GET ON BOARD..
X

 

[AcornUnderground]

MY PARENTS LOVE ME THE WAY THEY KNOW AND CAN..
WHAT IS RESPONSIBILITY ANYWAY? WHAT IS LOVE? IT IS SUBJECTIVE..
YOU CAN NOT MEASURE LOVE.. OR PAIN.. I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THIS LOGIC.. WERE NOT ROBOTS.
FOR ME PAIN SADNESS AND ALL THAT YOU READ AS "BAD" IS NOT.
BEAUTIFUL THINGS ARE SAD TO ME, AND VISA VERSA IT CO EXISTS.
ITS NOT BLACK AND WIGHT. AND THAT IS COMPASSION AND LOVE RIGHT THERE.
I HAVE BEEN ABUSED IN WAYS THAT MAYBE IN YOUR MIND WOULD PROBABLY BE NOT "BAD" BUT TERRIBLE!
AND I DO NOT BLAME MY PARENTS FOR "DOING" IT TO ME OR SOCIETY FOE ENABLING AND INDULGING IN IT..
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VENTING "TECHNICAL" SHIT OUT THERE- WHAT WAS DONE TO ME ETC.. AND THE ACTUAL RESPONSIBILITY THAT WE HAVE TO OUR SELVES AND OUR PERSONAL TRUTHS - WHICH BTW IN THE END- WHEN I WAS VERY CLOSE TO IT- ALL I FELT WAS LOVE!..
I DO NOT SHARE YOUR POINT OF AT ALL.
LIFE IS HORRIFICALLY BEAUTIFUL. FULL OF LOVE AND PAIN. FULL OF KINDNESS AND EVIL.
HAVE YOU EVER EXPERIENCED WAR?..
WAR LIFE MENTALITY IS THE TRUE LIFE MENTALITY!
HUMAN NATURE!
GET ON BOARD..
X

I'm sorry, I can't share your perspective at all. I honestly don't know what you mean. My experience is that the world is a beautiful place that for reasons I can't understand, also allows for terrible suffering. I grew up with two parents who tried their best, poor and with six kids they they didn't have the time or money to tend to correctly. But they loved us very much. I had an abusive brother, he knocked my teeth out once and I was sexually abused (mildly) by an uncle. I tended toward bad boyfriend choices - probably because I never really knew how I was supposed to be treated. I was blessed to be really smart and honestly beautiful and have the type of personality that can take on anyone in any room, and I liked to work really hard so I did very well anyway. I married an asshole and endured 10 years of abuse . Even in those moments, I made a good life for me and my children and honestly - even though I was tortured and exhausted by daily abuse in my home, he wasn't around that much and I built my happiness in my work and my children. Leaving him was very difficult - he made it that way and it cost me incredible pain and about $70,000 to get out. I am sure it cost me my health. That and all the drinking I did at night, coupled with work my ASS off both professionally and as a mother. I finally get out of that nightmare and settle my children in peace. My mother came to visit, we found a brain tumor and she stayed with me and died a horrible death. 6 months later, I'm diagnosed and suffering a horrible painful disease that won't kill me but leaves me in a position to kill myself and literally destroy my children's lives.

Life is a beautiful place full of really wonderful people and experiences. I don't know why I had things so hard sometimes, but damn I had some really really good things happen to me too. I don't understand blame. Well, that's only a little true. Sometimes I find myself so angry at myself for letting myself get this illness. Sometimes I blame my ex. I am very, very angry that my life was stolen and it was so good. I appreciated all the simple moments. I don't want to go. Don't even get me started about the children.

But life is bigger than me, my problems, and still offers magic and pain to people, everyday and all at the same time. I'll never, ever understand.

 

[K-O]

I'm sorry, I can't share your perspective at all. I honestly don't know what you mean. My experience is that the world is a beautiful place that for reasons I can't understand, also allows for terrible suffering. I grew up with two parents who tried their best, poor and with six kids they they didn't have the time or money to tend to correctly. But they loved us very much. I had an abusive brother, he knocked my teeth out once and I was sexually abused (mildly) by an uncle. I tended toward bad boyfriend choices - probably because I never really knew how I was supposed to be treated. I was blessed to be really smart and honestly beautiful and have the type of personality that can take on anyone in any room, and I liked to work really hard so I did very well anyway. I married an asshole and endured 10 years of abuse . Even in those moments, I made a good life for me and my children and honestly - even though I was tortured and exhausted by daily abuse in my home, he wasn't around that much and I built my happiness in my work and my children. Leaving him was very difficult - he made it that way and it cost me incredible pain and about $70,000 to get out. I am sure it cost me my health. That and all the drinking I did at night, coupled with work my ASS off both professionally and as a mother. I finally get out of that nightmare and settle my children in peace. My mother came to visit, we found a brain tumor and she stayed with me and died a horrible death. 6 months later, I'm diagnosed and suffering a horrible painful disease that won't kill me but leaves me in a position to kill myself and literally destroy my children's lives.

Life is a beautiful place full of really wonderful people and experiences. I don't know why I had things so hard sometimes, but damn I had some really really good things happen to me too. I don't understand blame. Well, that's only a little true. Sometimes I find myself so angry at myself for letting myself get this illness. Sometimes I blame my ex. I am very, very angry that my life was stolen and it was so good. I appreciated all the simple moments. I don't want to go. Don't even get me started about the children.

But life is bigger than me, my problems, and still offers magic and pain to people, everyday and all at the same time. I'll never, ever understand.

EXACTLY ! X
YOU ARE ANGRY SAD IN PAIN
YOU FEEL WRONGED! ABUSED!
YOU DO BLAME!
ALL THAT IS NATURAL!
WE ARE HUMANS!
NOT ONE THING, WE ARE IN FLUX ALL THE TIME.
WHEN PEOPLE SAY TO ME- YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED FROM YOUR HAPPINESS... YOU DIDNT DESERVE ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU ... IM SORRY.. ETC..
I HONESTLY JUST FEEL BAD- FOR THEM!
IT IS WHAT IT IS!
IM NOT GOING TO MAKE THIS LIST OF WHAT HAS "HAPPENED TO ME"..
WHAT IS THE POINT?..
I WISH EVERYONE PEACE AND FREEDOM
WE ALL "DESERVE" IT ALTHOUGH THIS SOCIETY OBV HAS ROUINED THAT WORDS MEANING FOR ME LONG AGO..
X

 

[Mr2005]

Thank you for reading my post with the open mindedness it deserves.

I can admit that at times my approach may be abrasive but my genuine intentions are to convey the facts of the matter without sugar coating anything. We are all adults here, whether grieving or not, and a certain respect and appreciation must be maintained for the truth under all circumstances. Truth and honesty will ultimately encourage healing.

When all is said and done, this woman brought an innocent life into a world in which one can experience unthinkable and unfathomable pain and suffering. Whether she intending to or not doesn't really matter because at the end of the day her daughter tragically ended up dead, ostensibly due to some form of emotional or physical pain.

We must respect that her daughter made the conscious and intentional decision to not partake in a world filled with agony, pain and indifference.

This was HER her decision and must be honoured as such. A rejection (of the world her mother thrust her into) in the most emphatic and unequivocal way possible; suicide. This is not an easy decision as I'm sure any member of this forum can attest to.

May she rest in peace.

What a load of rubbish. Losing a child is the hardest thing any parent has to go through. Instead of blaming her how about blaming what lead to it. Having children isn't what makes this world a cruel, sick place.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Not from suicide but I lost both my would be daughter and my fiance (sperate events) I understand the grief and pain...it's a deep sorrow like no other. Grief is complex. What others can get over and move on some cannot. Sending hugs to everyone here who has lost someone special in their life.

 

[Flump]

I see a lot of threads on here about leaving a note.
I lost my 35 yr old daughter. No note, but I know why.

I belong to a group, with 3,000 members, all bereaved parents of suicide children. The pain is tremendous for a lot of us.
Many got notes, which has helped a lot of parents, though obviously not all. But most got no note, and are left in total despair about why? Why didn't s/he talk about it? Why didn't s/he tell me? Why did s/he do it?
Some can eventually accept it was what their child wanted, but it takes a long time.

But so many of us feel we are now living the life of their dead child. The terrific unbearable pain, anguish, despair, depression, it's torture, the fight to get through each day, wanting it all to stop, desperately wanting to die.

Having other children prevents many from joining their child, but that doesn't make it any easier for many. Trying to remain sane enough to cope with other kids is a battle. It does help some to get through though.

But for a lot of us, there's nothing to keep us here, and having to endure so much pain for years is just unbearable. We don't just get over it, move on. I've talked to a lot of parents, still in screaming pain, still crying, years down the line. We're all stuck in that shattering horrendous day, and no amount of therapy or pills or anything else can erase that horrific moment when we knew s/he'd gone.

Life is over for many of us when we lose our child. Time doesn't heal such a gaping wound. Nothing can, except our child walking through the door, which won't happen.

Many of us end up with no friends or family. Because they don't know how to deal with such huge deep prolonged crippling grief. So they drift away.

Many parents suicide as well. The pain is too much. That applies to me. I have legal and domestic stuff to sort out first. I can't live with her loss, even though I know why she did it. But if I'd been there for her that night, she'd still be here today. My guilt, my burden.

I know a lady who's daughter had it all so well planned. Left notes for everyone, left notes what to do with all her belongings... All sorted. She'd been under mental health. She'd told them for 2 yrs she was going to do it, even told them the date. Mental health said nothing to her parents "patient confidentiality" Her mum went on to have a total breakdown, was ill for 8 months. Not because of what her daughter did, but because of what mental health didn't do.... She came through that, and accepted her daughter's decision. Now (3 years on) she's great. Still misses her daughter, but accepts it.

I'm not trying to stop anyone wanting to leave. But please, anyone planning to leave, please, just think for a little bit on the impact on those who love you. Don't go without letting them know why, and that it's not just a spur of the moment thing. Help them understand, help them through it. Specially if they need to carry on for other dependant family members.
Write that note....

This is exactly my life, exactly how I feel, it's been nearly 2 years since I lost my son and it doesn't get any easier, the day I find peace will be the day I die

 

[my girl]

I see a lot of threads on here about leaving a note.
I lost my 35 yr old daughter. No note, but I know why.

I belong to a group, with 3,000 members, all bereaved parents of suicide children. The pain is tremendous for a lot of us.
Many got notes, which has helped a lot of parents, though obviously not all. But most got no note, and are left in total despair about why? Why didn't s/he talk about it? Why didn't s/he tell me? Why did s/he do it?
Some can eventually accept it was what their child wanted, but it takes a long time.

But so many of us feel we are now living the life of their dead child. The terrific unbearable pain, anguish, despair, depression, it's torture, the fight to get through each day, wanting it all to stop, desperately wanting to die.

Having other children prevents many from joining their child, but that doesn't make it any easier for many. Trying to remain sane enough to cope with other kids is a battle. It does help some to get through though.

But for a lot of us, there's nothing to keep us here, and having to endure so much pain for years is just unbearable. We don't just get over it, move on. I've talked to a lot of parents, still in screaming pain, still crying, years down the line. We're all stuck in that shattering horrendous day, and no amount of therapy or pills or anything else can erase that horrific moment when we knew s/he'd gone.

Life is over for many of us when we lose our child. Time doesn't heal such a gaping wound. Nothing can, except our child walking through the door, which won't happen.

Many of us end up with no friends or family. Because they don't know how to deal with such huge deep prolonged crippling grief. So they drift away.

Many parents suicide as well. The pain is too much. That applies to me. I have legal and domestic stuff to sort out first. I can't live with her loss, even though I know why she did it. But if I'd been there for her that night, she'd still be here today. My guilt, my burden.

I know a lady who's daughter had it all so well planned. Left notes for everyone, left notes what to do with all her belongings... All sorted. She'd been under mental health. She'd told them for 2 yrs she was going to do it, even told them the date. Mental health said nothing to her parents "patient confidentiality" Her mum went on to have a total breakdown, was ill for 8 months. Not because of what her daughter did, but because of what mental health didn't do.... She came through that, and accepted her daughter's decision. Now (3 years on) she's great. Still misses her daughter, but accepts it.

I'm not trying to stop anyone wanting to leave. But please, anyone planning to leave, please, just think for a little bit on the impact on those who love you. Don't go without letting them know why, and that it's not just a spur of the moment thing. Help them understand, help them through it. Specially if they need to carry on for other dependant family members.
Write that note....

I'm so sorry for your pain. I too lost my child to suicide.

 

[pole]

i'm sorry for you're loss. that's absolutely saddening and i definitely understand where you're coming from.

i'd also just like to remind everyone that THIS IS OP'S THREAD, NOT YOURS. If you disagree with what she believes, ignore the entire post, instead of posting and sparking conflict and arguments and derailing the entire thread. derailing the thread is both against the rules and completely unfair to OP; a grieving mother, whos venting.

if you feel the need to say something negative, that goes against this very thread and ISN'T HELPFUL AT ALL TO THIS THREAD, keep it to yourself and don't post it. respect this persons thread like how you'd want someone to respect yours.

any further derailing of the thread or people purposely ignoring and continuing to contribute to conflict and escalating arguments will both have their comments deleted and they'll be given a warning.

i'm also not locking the thread, in respects to OP. i hope you're daughters found peace, and i hope you find some sort of peace in this life as well.

take care.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

I apologize this was rude and insensitive. I've deleted my posts, maybe the participants in the discussion could do the same to spare OP the act of having to read them.

 

[Lorntroubles]

A lot of us are bereaved. Not the best thing to turn our noses and victim blame. Easily support or keep it movin. What OP has mentioned about writing a letter can give some users another perspective that they haven't thought about. Maybe some users actually DO want to write one. So what? I'm pretty sure OP didn't ask for this drama so maybe be kind or leave HER thread?

 

[Una]

I wrote my post in response to the OP's question: 'Has anyone else has also lost a child to suicide?'

It was the first, and it will be the last time, I have spoken about my daughter on this forum.

As I now see what this thread has turned into, I have decided to delete my post and have asked the mods to do it for me as the system does not allow me to do it. I hope they will delete it soon.

I very much regret writing the post as I do not want to be in any way associated with the venom that has been spread under the guise of 'freedom of expression.' It is a well-worn tactic used to inflame the scene and in doing so provoke at least some sort of reaction. The more controversial the topic and stronger the reaction – the better. In those instances so called 'freedom of expression' is turned into its mockery. Such as life on cyber highways.

Freedom of expression ceases to be any kind of 'freedom', and becomes a weapon when abused. It is not WHAT has been said, the idea one holds, but rather HOW it has been said that is the issue.

Holding a view that act of giving a birth 'is essentially gambling with the life of your offspring. It is tantamount to playing Russian roulette by instead the the gun is pointed directly towards your child instead of you' while not the view I hold, or respect, does NOT mean I wanted it banned or somehow censored. Not at all. People are free to hold such views. It is the CONTEXT (when, where, how) such view has been aired. That is the matter not of a view, and/or censorship of it, but rather of a basic human decency. Or the lack of it.

 

[pole]

I wrote my post in response to the OP's question: 'Has anyone else has also lost a child to suicide?'

It was the first, and it will be the last time, I have spoken about my daughter on this forum.

As I now see what this thread has turned into, I have decided to delete my post and have asked the mods to do it for me as the system does not allow me to do it. I hope they will delete it soon.

I very much regret writing the post as I do not want to be in any way associated with the venom that has been spread under the guise of 'freedom of expression.' It is a well-worn tactic used to inflame the scene and in doing so provoke at least some sort of reaction. The more controversial the topic and stronger the reaction – the better. In those instances so called 'freedom of expression' is turned into its mockery. Such as life on cyber highways.

Freedom of expression ceases to be any kind of 'freedom', and becomes a weapon when abused. It is not WHAT has been said, the idea one holds, but rather HOW it has been said that is the issue.

Holding a view that act of giving a birth 'is essentially gambling with the life of your offspring. It is tantamount to playing Russian roulette by instead the the gun is pointed directly towards your child instead of you' while not the view I hold, or respect, does NOT mean I wanted it banned or somehow censored. Not at all. People are free to hold such views. It is the CONTEXT (when, where, how) such view has been aired. That is the matter not of a view, and/or censorship of it, but rather of a basic human decency. Or the lack of it.

first off, sorry for you're loss.

i've deleted you're comment and i sent you a message that i'll reiterate here as well.

i really hope you repost the comment that you wanted deleted. what you said was touching, carried so much emotional value, and the stories that individuals such as yourself share helps other people going through the same situations and makes others feel less alone.

i'm sorry you felt as if you needed to delete the post. you shouldn't be forced to delete it because you feel belittled or attacked because of what you think, believe, or say and especially because of what you went through, nor should you be invalidated. unfortunately, we have instances where threads become conflictive and derailed and it then forces other users to feel as if they can't speak out because they fear criticism and judgement. and this thread, and this site as a whole, won't condone criticism and judgement towards other users, AT ALL.

posts like the ones you posted really do help carry the discussion of this thread and it allows individuals like OP to feel comfortable, relate, and feel less alone. you're words matter and have a significant impact, and that goes for every member as a whole.

again, i hope you're able to find the strength to repost you're heartfelt post. outside of me, others really appreciated you're post as well and took it to heart and heard you loud and clear and appreciated you. always focus on that, instead of the sparks of negativity that may occur here and there.

take care.

 

[Una]

first off, sorry for you're loss.

i've deleted you're comment and i sent you a message that i'll reiterate here as well.

i really hope you repost the comment that you wanted deleted. what you said was touching, carried so much emotional value, and the stories that individuals such as yourself share helps other people going through the same situations and makes others feel less alone.

i'm sorry you felt as if you needed to delete the post. you shouldn't be forced to delete it because you feel belittled or attacked because of what you think, believe, or say and especially because of what you went through, nor should you be invalidated. unfortunately, we have instances where threads become conflictive and derailed and it then forces other users to feel as if they can't speak out because they fear criticism and judgement. and this thread, and this site as a whole, won't condone criticism and judgement towards other users, AT ALL.

posts like the ones you posted really do help carry the discussion of this thread and it allows individuals like OP to feel comfortable, relate, and feel less alone. you're words matter and have a significant impact, and that goes for every member as a whole.

again, i hope you're able to find the strength to repost you're heartfelt post. outside of me, others really appreciated you're post as well and took it to heart and heard you loud and clear and appreciated you. always focus on that, instead of the sparks of negativity that may occur here and there.

take care.

Hi Hasssssuùuu,

Thank you very much for your kindness and understanding. Really appreciate it.

I can't repost the post I have written since I kept no copy of it. I never do. I just write directly.

It is for the best.

I will give some thought to create a new thread that would provide an insight, a considered and informative insight, into the worlds of parents' who lost children to suicide. It is a very rarely discussed subject because it makes the rest of population uncomfortable. Just like suicide does.

Thank you again.

Best.

 

[Aliali1992]

Thank you for bringing the prospect of parents in such detail.This made me me cry as i told my mum about what i think and she told me she can't live without me. Reading your descreption of the long grief and pain broke my heart cause i had little hope she might go on with time and forget about me. But also i can't live anymore and you're right everyday is a pain that goes worse and worse and it also breaking her heart to see me go throigh life like that. Can't marry can't have grand children for her...just always crying and wishing for death everyday and she cries when she see me cry. so it is an impossible choice really for me a son.

 

[Painpleasure]

To OP, I hope this quote suitably sourced from the Bible helps you find closure:

Ecclesiastes 4 :

"And I declared that the dead, who had already died, are happier than the living, who are still alive.
But better than both is the one who has never been born, who has not seen the evil that exists under the sun".

 

[Lost1804]

I'm sorry my post has caused such heated debate. I didn't mean it to anger or upset anyone. Though it has helped some to talk about the matter.

I may be one of the 'lucky' ones, if you could call it that, in that I understand completely why my daughter did it. Though the circumstances surrounding her overdose are far from straight forward, and over 2 yrs on now we still haven't had the inquest.
But many parents aren't in my position and are left for years wondering why. Why didn't they see their son/daughter was struggling? Why didn't their child turn to their parents? Why did they have to leave without telling their parents why?
Someone here pointed out that parents would do their utmost to stop them and make them stay. That's human nature. It would be a strange or cold and extremely resilient mum who could kiss her child goodbye knowing that she'd never see them again.

For many parents it comes as a complete shock. Their children don't broadcast it, they generally keep it quiet. They're left fumbling around in the dark, trying to find a chink of light to shed some sort of reason on why. Sometimes knowing why can ease the pain and even pacify. Obviously there are parents who can be thoroughly philosophical about it all and decide it's what their child wanted, so be it, whether they know or not. Everyone is different.

I know why, it still doesn't stop the overwhelming physical pain of losing her, or me wanting to join her. Some of us suffer dreadfully by seeing our children suffer. It doesn't mean we can wave a cheery goodbye and content ourselves that you/they are now in a better place and no longer suffering.

I feel for those who have said their parents wouldn't miss them or grieve. It's an awful thing to be able to say, and surely must have an effect on you? I couldn't imagine that. And I feel for those who want to leave but are held back by parental love. A terrible predicament.

When my daughter was in her darker bipolar places, she said if I died she'd be right behind me because she couldn't cope without me. I told her if she ever did anything and left, I wouldn't be far behind her, because I can't live without her. She was my life, my life has gone.

When I go, I will keep it quiet like everyone else. I will write notes, not that my reasons need explained, goodbye notes.
I think the delayed email service on here is an excellent idea, particularly for those who are worried about a note being found.

Grief is love with nowhere to go. Xx

Thank you for bringing the prospect of parents in such detail.This made me me cry as i told my mum about what i think and she told me she can't live without me. Reading your descreption of the long grief and pain broke my heart cause i had little hope she might go on with time and forget about me. But also i can't live anymore and you're right everyday is a pain that goes worse and worse and it also breaking her heart to see me go throigh life like that. Can't marry can't have grand children for her...just always crying and wishing for death everyday and she cries when she see me cry. so it is an impossible choice really for me a son.

This is so sad. Yes, I cried with my daughter too. It's such a heartbreaking situation.
Do you have siblings?
Xx

To OP, I hope this quote suitably sourced from the Bible helps you find closure:

Ecclesiastes 4 :

"And I declared that the dead, who had already died, are happier than the living, who are still alive.
But better than both is the one who has never been born, who has not seen the evil that exists under the sun".

This is so true. But doesn't really help those of us already here? x

 

[Lorntroubles]

No need to apologise for a post that was asking a question about if anyone lost a child to suicide. You were hoping for a discussion and the unwarranted stuff came from insufferable assholes. There were some fucked up shit being said and people who were adamant to tell the world nothing that had to do with your post at hand. Idk if you saw any of them, but they were uncalled for and callous and will not be of any help to your grief. Grief fucking sucks and I wish some people would understand that....

 

[Oyoy]

You are what's wonderful in this world Lost1804. Thank you for your insights.

 

[rebelsue]

I'm going to pretend you are my mother, it's a nice thought that a mother could actually love their child enough to miss them that much. because my actual mother has already stated that not only does she wish I'd kill myself, she doesn't appear that she will miss me very much if I do. She will just continue on with her life, a little sad maybe, but she will be fine. She is tired of me. I am tired of me, too. I don't think anyone would really be that hurt. Maybe initially, but I am tired of thinking of them. Thinking of them is what got me here.

 

[Lost1804]

I'm going to pretend you are my mother, it's a nice thought that a mother could actually love their child enough to miss them that much. because my actual mother has already stated that not only does she wish I'd kill myself, she doesn't appear that she will miss me very much if I do. She will just continue on with her life, a little sad maybe, but she will be fine. She is tired of me. I am tired of me, too. I don't think anyone would really be that hurt. Maybe initially, but I am tired of thinking of them. Thinking of them is what got me here.

It's 2 yrs and I still can't stand the loss, I still want to be with her and I'm making my plans.
I'm so deeply hurting for you and others here who feel their mum's couldn't care less about their loss. It's beyond my comprehension how a mum can feel that way. I would have gone with my daughter if she'd waited.
I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

I'm going to pretend you are my mother, it's a nice thought that a mother could actually love their child enough to miss them that much. because my actual mother has already stated that not only does she wish I'd kill myself, she doesn't appear that she will miss me very much if I do. She will just continue on with her life, a little sad maybe, but she will be fine. She is tired of me. I am tired of me, too. I don't think anyone would really be that hurt. Maybe initially, but I am tired of thinking of them. Thinking of them is what got me here.

I'm going to pretend you are my mother, it's a nice thought that a mother could actually love their child enough to miss them that much. because my actual mother has already stated that not only does she wish I'd kill myself, she doesn't appear that she will miss me very much if I do. She will just continue on with her life, a little sad maybe, but she will be fine. She is tired of me. I am tired of me, too. I don't think anyone would really be that hurt. Maybe initially, but I am tired of thinking of them. Thinking of them is what got me here.

I'm so very sorry you're in such a horrible relationship with your mum. I find that unimaginable. I would have gone with my daughter if she'd waited. Which is what I still plan to do, I need to be with her.
After 2 yrs the pain is still crippling.
Yes, trying to support her through her dark bipolar places was hard work, draining, but I'd never have wished her gone. Sitting with her for hours crying to try to keep her here. I loved her so much and would do it all again if it meant she'd stay longer.But she didn't. I blew it one evening, and lost her. So I have to go. My life is empty. I just go through the mechanical motions. Nothing can fill the vast void she left.
Many parents suicide after their children. Can't remember the exact data. But it's certainly more common than people think.
I find it incredible some mum's don't care. I wish I could give you a hug. You deserve one. Xxx