Has anyone discussed CTB plans with your spouse/SO/family?

[GrassFields]

Hi all,

I was diagnosed with a progressively terminal neurological condition last year and am weighing the pros and cons of CTB on my own v.s. medically assisted dying (MAID). I have openly discussed my wishes with my wife, family doctor, and medical specialists, and each have their own opinion on assisted dying. Legally, I would foreseeably need to be within one year of death to qualify for MAID, but unfortunately that does not look appealing to me. I would need to suffer for years in a totally bedridden state with breathing machines and an optical keyboard, draining our savings in the process requiring around the clock care. If I CTB earlier on my own terms, I maintain my dignity, save my family financial drain, and am not burdened with the suffering my condition can result in.

Has anyone discussed CTB with their family or spouse? What were their thoughts and opinions? My wife is certainly very upset at the thought of my passing, but understands my perspective for wanting to maintain a quality of life and my own independence.

 

[Welp]

I have mentioned it to probably a dozen people, yes.
Only 1 tried to talk me out of it.... and even then, it was a pretty weak attempt :/
I also have a health issue which is something that simply seems worse to death.

 

[MZALA]

My Friend ..She's hurt about it and constantly tells me that "You Should give this life thing a chance "

 

[Life_and_Death]

Actually I was talking to my friend about this last night. I'm fairly open with him so he understands my pain and why I want to ctb. He doesn't want me to and its upsetting for him but I think being open with him allowed him to understand so he's less likely to stop me. I mean he'd still try one last attempt but if I told him my mind isn't changing I think he'd give me a hug and let me go....

 

[schopenh]

Most people don't deal well with this 'news'. In my experience it's best to keep it to yourself as much as you can. All it takes is one person's misguided attempt to 'save' you and the police are knocking on the door to confiscate your stuff. I have told about four people and the responses were varying. Even the most understanding of them visibly doesn't want the topic to be brought up

 

[Saed]

I have tried...With the multiple failed attempts,it's pretty self-evident.
Now,all I can do is reply to every text my mother sends me with "I love you".
That is all I have said to her in weeks.

 

[nerve]

I don't have very many people in my life, but I've been pretty upfront about my suicidal thoughts in hopes of getting help.

It seems like it mostly just makes people uncomfortable since they aren't sure what to do to help. "I don't know what you want me to say" et al. I kind of regret the times I've brought it up. It's been years of this without an actual attempt so I can't blame people for not taking me seriously, but it feels like I'm being punished for holding on as long as I have.

 

[rhiino]

It's been years of this without an actual attempt so I can't blame people for not taking me seriously, but it feels like I'm being punished for holding on as long as I have.

I can relate to this. People were angry at me because I could not decide whether to suicide or not.

 

[DeadButDreaming]

Yes, about a month ago I decided I wanted to end my life. The method I chose was terminal dehydration. Breaking this news to my mother was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I told her I wanted my death to occur at her house. Believe it or not, she decided to honour my request, but not without reservations (she couldn't sleep the night I told her and said she was having heart palpitations). Partially out of guilt I decided to postpone my suicide.

Now I'm expected to wait for her to die before I do. She is 70 and could live another 15 years. But there's no possible way I can wait that long.

 

[Aeathelina]

I used to allude to with my sister and grandma but now I've stopped because I know that they cannot help and I'd be emotional burden that don't need or want.

 

[GrassFields]

I don't have very many people in my life, but I've been pretty upfront about my suicidal thoughts in hopes of getting help.

It seems like it mostly just makes people uncomfortable since they aren't sure what to do to help. "I don't know what you want me to say" et al. I kind of regret the times I've brought it up. It's been years of this without an actual attempt so I can't blame people for not taking me seriously, but it feels like I'm being punished for holding on as long as I have.

I can relate to how it makes people uncomfortable, even healthcare professionals. Bringing up medically assisted dying to one of my specialists, it was like I asked him about something illegal when it's been on the law books in my country for several years. He said (surprisingly) he hasn't had many experiences with that and wouldn't be able to help me because of his personal beliefs, but rather refer me to a specialist who could help in the MAID process if that's the route I chose. I can sense his apprehension and change in bedside manner at all my follow-up appointments with him.

 

[ERASED]

If being suicidal counts then yes....my family knows about my ctb method.

 

[FriendofDeath]

My mother somewhat knows, as do my therapist and psychiatrist - at least the fact that I can be suicidal and I can not promise I will not ctb. Your situation is much different than mine, since right now my mental overrides my physical in this department. I do believe, however, if I had a terminal debilitating illness my mother would fully support me and if it was her and she asked, I would support her. Thing is, even when you are prepared for a death you can't be totally prepared for how it will affect you once it has occurred. Even when you know it's the best solution for the sufferer, you want to hold on. I'm sorry you and your family are in this position.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

Me and my husband planned to ctb together once life reaches end, but illness got him first.

I talked to my mum about it and she dislikes that option but she also knows theres nothing she can do to stop me if i decide. She saw my dad die to cancer and he told her he has no plans to be on machines or chemotherapies all his life as a liability. Then my husband died to painful illness as well.

She said she will be sad and shell hate it, but if life takes that turn shes willing to let go. She hates seeing another person go through painful slow death to disease. She just asked me, if it really has to be done, and i see no other way, to make it as painless as possible. She wants that to atleast comfort her.

 

[Bct]

Never to my family, we're not that close & they'll never understand

 

[rhiino]

He said (surprisingly) he hasn't had many experiences with that and wouldn't be able to help me because of his personal beliefs

His personal beliefs seem to be that you have to suffer, no matter what.

 

[GrassFields]

Me and my husband planned to ctb together once life reaches end, but illness got him first.

I talked to my mum about it and she dislikes that option but she also knows theres nothing she can do to stop me if i decide. She saw my dad die to cancer and he told her he has no plans to be on machines or chemotherapies all his life as a liability. Then my husband died to painful illness as well.

She said she will be sad and shell hate it, but if life takes that turn shes willing to let go. She hates seeing another person go through painful slow death to disease. She just asked me, if it really has to be done, and i see no other way, to make it as painless as possible. She wants that to atleast comfort her.

I'm very sorry for your loss :(

I've discussed this issue with my parents as well and they both got quite tearful, which is understandable. I think either outcome, whether through disease progression or MAID, is hard for most parents to digest. My mom was completely silent on the issue, but my dad eventually said he would understand why I would choose to wrap things up sooner rather than later as opposed to spending several years bedridden and on a mechanical ventilator. My wife understands my perspective as well, but she's having a very hard time coming to terms with the voluntary aspect of CTB on my own terms.

 

[rhiino]

@GrassFields Can you share how old you are, even if only roughly?

 

[GrassFields]

@GrassFields Can you share how old you are, even if only roughly?

Hi there! I'm in my mid-30s

 

[Sprite_Geist]

No I don't really want anyone knowing; I'm hoping to just vanish. I will be leaving a partially anonymous note behind online though; just to explain to certain people from my past what happened in case they do find out. It won't be addressed to my family though because I don't want them having an explanation at all. It sounds weird I know...

 

[AnniesHideaway]

My dad did self-administered euthanasia. He had cancer that spread throughout his body with virtually no hope of recovery, although he wasn't really debilitated by it yet. His friend died a horrible death from Lung Cancer and he was determined to not let that happen to him. He was very open with his plans to me and my mother. We were all very supportive of his desires. He never told us when he was planning on doing it ... we just came home from work one day and it was done. I don't think me or my mother ever had issues with what he decided to do, he was dying and went out on his own terms like you said.

But on the other side I had a friend whose mother got ALS and I shared with him the story about my dad, and the support groups and procedures available. He was horrified by even the mention of it, and instead his mother had this horrible prolonged death that I just couldn't understand why he thought that was a better way ... but all people are different.

Sorry you are going through this, these are big decisions and hard to know whats the right course.

 

[GrassFields]

My dad did self-administered euthanasia. He had cancer that spread throughout his body with virtually no hope of recovery, although he wasn't really debilitated by it yet. His friend died a horrible death from Lung Cancer and he was determined to not let that happen to him. He was very open with his plans to me and my mother. We were all very supportive of his desires. He never told us when he was planning on doing it ... we just came home from work one day and it was done. I don't think me or my mother ever had issues with what he decided to do, he was dying and went out on his own terms like you said.

But on the other side I had a friend whose mother got ALS and I shared with him the story about my dad, and the support groups and procedures available. He was horrified by even the mention of it, and instead his mother had this horrible prolonged death that I just couldn't understand why he thought that was a better way ... but all people are different.

Sorry you are going through this, these are big decisions and hard to know whats the right course.

@AnniesHideaway I'm so very sorry on your dad's loss, please accept my condolences. I'm sure it was a difficult choice for your father, but I am glad he had the support of yourself and your mom.

I'm in a similar position as your friend's mom. I was diagnosed with ALS last year and living the disease to the end is absolutely a nightmare. I was optimistic about symptom management right when I was diagnosed, but I've been noticing a steady decline in some of my functioning over the past few months. Texting quickly on a smartphone is now a big challenge, and last month I had a fall in my house that was difficult to get up from. I think one of the worst parts of ALS is it leaves your cognition intact; you're essentially locked in and entirely helpless.

One of my biggest reservations about MAID/CTB is leaving behind my wife and 2 wonderful children. My oldest is old enough to understand that dad has a sickness that means he's not going to be here in a few years, but my youngest is too young to understand the permanence of death. We do weekly family counselling to help them manage how they're feeling, and I think it's helping. I just don't want to become a physical and emotional burden on them as I advance into the later stages of the disease, since being a caretaker at any age is always very tasking. I also worry about draining my family's finances and savings if I required around the clock care in my advanced stages. I would rather leave that as a head-start for my kids when they go off to university or embark on a life of their own.

No I don't really want anyone knowing; I'm hoping to just vanish. I will be leaving a partially anonymous note behind online though; just to explain to certain people from my past what happened in case they do find out. It won't be addressed to my family though because I don't want them having an explanation at all. It sounds weird I know...

Hi there! That doesn't sound weird at all. You're entitled to your privacy and leaving a note or not that's as detailed or as cursory as you want is entirely your choice :)

 

[GrassFields]

I have tried...With the multiple failed attempts,it's pretty self-evident.
Now,all I can do is reply to every text my mother sends me with "I love you".
That is all I have said to her in weeks.

This really hits home. I brought this topic up with my mom and dad a few times; my mom goes tearful and silent every time. I tell her every time that I love her no matter what, and my living or not living wouldn't change that.

 

[HappyMstake]

No, I've never told anyone other than people online who don't know me personally. I don't know it's kind of awkward to talk to my family about my issues, when I barley even talk to them at all about anything.

 

[I screwed up]

No way ... Will just complicate matters more

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

I've told two people about my mental illness and it was bad enough. I can't tell anyone outside of ss about my urge to ctb. No way.

 

[AlreadyGone]

Nope. Telling people my plans is basically setting myself up for failure.

 

[TAW122]

I did not except for the one time that it indirectly leaked out, which since then I have gone into damage control mode to minimize suspicion and damage. Now that things are calm again like before the unfortunate leak IRL (back in early May this year), I have been even more vigilant in hiding any signs or red flags like always.

 

[Soul]

I've told the two people who live with me about my intentions. They say they accept my decision but don't want to discuss it.

They both live with me ostensibly because I need caretakers due to my terminal illness but neither of them has the disposition for it and both get downright nasty with impatience. Their unpleasantness is bothering me a lot today.

Sorry. I don't mean to highjack the thread. And I hesitate to start my own vent; I think I've forged a serene sort of persona for myself here and it would be out of character or something to break down and cry.

 

[GrassFields]

I've told the two people who live with me about my intentions. They say they accept my decision but don't want to discuss it.

They both live with me ostensibly because I need caretakers due to my terminal illness but neither of them has the disposition for it and both get downright nasty with impatience. Their unpleasantness is bothering me a lot today.

Sorry. I don't mean to highjack the thread. And I hesitate to start my own vent; I think I've forged a serene sort of persona for myself here and it would be out of character or something to break down and cry.

I'm so sorry to hear you're facing challenges as well. You're not hijacking the thread in any way; we all need a space to discuss how we're feeling and what's on our mind.

I can understand caregivers accepting our decisions but not wanting to discuss it further. It's been a similar situation whenever I bring this up with my wife. I'm independent and mobile now, but eventually my disease will progress to a place where I can't communicate apart from an optical keyboard. That's not a life I would like to live, and my wife understands that. Discussing MAID or any other kind of death makes her quite emotional, to the point she won't initiate a conversation on the topic or ask many follow-up questions.