Discussion Has anyone dealt with suicidal thinking for decades/many years?

[BobSmoked]

Over 3 decades now and I honestly have no answer lots of thoughts but just the musing of a fool one foot in front of the other.

 

[Pessimist]

.

 

[Zecko]

Hello,
The first time I wanted to die was when I was 6 years old, when my mother beat me up again and chased me out of the house.
Now I'm 53....

 

[fatladysings]

I've been suicidal since my mid teens and am now 51. I would never make any attempts whilst either of my parents were alive. My dad died in 2004 and my mum is still alive but once she goes, I'll stay alive for three months to give my brother time to recover from my mum's death, then I'll start my ctb attempts and won't stop until the job is done.

 

[Pessimist]

I've been suicidal since my mid teens and am now 51. I would never make any attempts whilst either of my parents were alive. My dad died in 2004 and my mum is still alive but once she goes, I'll stay alive for three months to give my brother time to recover from my mum's death, then I'll start my ctb attempts and won't stop until the job is done.

I'm guessing you don't have a partner?

 

[ropearoundatree]

I suppose it's been about 2 1/2 decades, give or take... & what has happened, is that: it basically has had moments, or if I am extremely lucky, entire years where - it hasn't by any means, "(just) disappeared!" But more, it's gone into the background. Or been, 'passive.' So what I mean by that, is--let's say I've gotten some great job (not really; but it's working for me, & it is making me happy), and my interpersonal communication relationships are going very very well. Then I am for all-intents, supremely/infinitely happy.

Then that/or those "Times," can be quite Euphoric, and also allow for some relief, or counterbalance, in order to continue to proceed in the living of my otherwise meaningless, bored, pointless, spending seasons on end & at a time; 'Adrift,' manageable (somehow)~*. That said, as I've said, even when things are going this uncharacteristically marvelous, or spectacular. Even then: there is always, on the back burner, the ideas swimming around in my head. Never needing a reminder of what my ultimate Fate, or destiny might be one day.

But you aren't all consumed by it. And you can't quite feel the feelings, as though you're drowing in them, or suffocating at their mere presence or existence. At least not in the very much the same way. Believe me, conservatively, and overly-optimistically measuring this, might be something like a 25% since the onset, that this has been the case (better days/vs., more brittle) ~Yeah?* that's probably way too generous a figure! ;^)

To answer your question more succinctly. As I've aged, more & further along into Adulthood. I have become more calm, and settled. Less frantic, maybe? Or . . . Volatile, in my dispositions. Things have largely smoothed, or even-out. However positive a spin you want to put on it, all roads have still led to here! :^)

 

[Darkover]

i became suicidal 20 years ago when i was 18 after a relationship breakup it's been a recurring theme in my life to be suicidal because i can't get a girlfriend not had one for 20 years only ever slept with one girl

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I thought about it for years and the reason why my mind hasn't changed is because that my thoughts are the truth. I just simply got exposed to the truth of the world at a young age and I realised that I'm incompatible with life and with being a human

 

[deathsisarelief]

I have thought about suicide since i was a teenager, i also tried in the past attempting my life but unfortunately i failed all the times. Now i'am 49 years old but my suicidal instinct is still here. I hope that one day i will end my suffering.

 

[ham and potatoes]

On and off sincei was a teen. But I thought it was normal, like just something that most people thought about from time to time.
Well, apparently, that's not a thing most people do haha

 

[Ligottian]

Decades. Even when I was not "suicidal" in the proper sense. Used to photocopy certain pages from old books at the library about suicide. Keep track of suicide statistics by year, etc.

 

[xandermax]

As long as I remember. Since I was a kid. I've been bipolar for a long time.

 

[fatladysings]

I'm guessing you don't have a partner?

You are right, I'm single and have been for most of my life. I've never wanted to have a long term partner as I am emphatically a loner, and never wanted kids for the same reason.

 

[billie]

I'm chronically suicidal

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

Probably from the reality around me keeping these stubborn views,
torturing myself rather then becoming content with It,
it's been at least twelve years Probably longer,
when I was really little I didn't think death was an option until I was 7-8 as before then I believed in this idea not that it meant it was a great idea but I believed in the idea that my parents would tell me, they were jehovahs witness and still are but for a short period of time I thought I wouldn't even die I'd just end up in another strictly controlled place,, I never understood why my ma wanted to get there so badly.

I'd consider myself deeply suicidal,
but common who's to know,
I know,
that's why I've been progressively getting worse isn't it,
Maintain for now an I may reward myself with freedom.

Or mabye it's just the gift I was given being born with the genetics I have, all that chemical brain imbalance, ADHD an bi polar but it's hard to believe in that stuff, or accept it either way donno don't care just know I'd rather be dead.
No thinking
No emotions
No opinions,
That's if death is how I believe it to be tho.
I shall stop typing now.

 

[GargoyleFiend]

it's coming up on 10 years for me, on and off. when things are good and i keep myself sufficiently distracted with school/work/media or whatever. then some bullshit happens in my life and i'm suddenly analyzing every aspect of my life under a critical lens.

 

[Ironborn]

Ideation started at 26, 37 now.
Full decade and change baby
LET'S FUCKING GO!

 

[Pessimist]

bump

 

[Liebestod]

First time I thought about it was nine years ago but I've been constantly thinking about it for two years now.

 

[Kitsune_BCN]

12 years.

If it sticks to ur head it will probably never leave.

 

[cloud;.]

I've dealt with suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager... had 2 attempts... neither sucessful (obviously) im now 24... a little deeper into adulthood... idk what to feel but i feel like im close to ctb and making sure it sticks this time...

 

[echoedleaf]

it's been a decade. it's improved briefly at random moments throughout the years, but ultimately it's not something that has ever gone away fully.

 

[kunikuzushi]

My first suicidal thought was probably around 17 years ago. They've been constant the past 8 years. The thoughts will never change or go away because they are a logical response to my suffering. It just makes sense to end my life to stop this constant pain and any future pain.

 

[Bismillah6925]

Been suicidal since 13. Now 33.

It doesn't change because I am forced to suffer and can't get out. Everyone else gets to be happy. Not me. I'm always expected to do more and keep people happy