Discussion Has anyone dealt with suicidal thinking for decades/many years?

[Pessimist]

If so, how is life for you? And why hasn't your thinking changed for so many years?

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Many years here, (2 decades at least) I just knew I wasn't down to go out "naturally" and have the potential for endless suffering while alive at a young age; It hasn't changed because I know what I want.

 

[kinderbueno]

been dealing with them for 7 years, only time they improved was during a relationship. I've tried recovery and counselling and nothing has worked

 

[Hunterer]

I've had this kind of thinking stuck in my head for at least 6 years and without any type of treatment or psychological help. It's not healthy and it's not good for me, but it's something that has become natural and normal for me in my daily life. I've thought about changing my thoughts and my life, and I've also received encouragement and support from some people close to me, but it's all for nothing. I'm here on this forum, alone and about to lose a fight against my own mind. I hope that next year I can ctb

 

[XdragonsoulX]

Started thinking about self harm and even hid a razer in my room when I was 9-10, didn't start till 15, that's when the suicidal thoughts started, never thought I make it to 20, so I didn't plan the future, now I'm 27 and dont know what I'm doing and just have had endless spiralling and attempts since. Eventually I'll get it right, everytime I think something good happens and it will last and everything will finally be okay again everything crashes back down. I can't take this anymore, I'm afraid that this is my last run at life, and I don't have much time left :(

 

[Forever Sleep]

To varying intensities for 34 years (since I was 10.) I feel like- once you've gone through the mental gymnastics of why it's a reasonable thing to wish for, it's always going to be there as an option to consider.

Beyond that, there's practicalities of course. How likely is it an attempt will succeed given what we might have access to? Also- are we in a position where we feel free enough to go? Are we concerned about what affect it might have on loved ones? I've had the thoughts for such a long time but I've felt obliged to stay here.

I've gone through worse times than my current time too so- that also makes me think I should hang on for a bit longer. (It's my Dad I'm waiting for- to go first.)

But yeah, my ideation has really become a part of me. I think maybe the very first few times I thought of it, it frightened me and felt kind of wrong (because I was taught that.) It didn't take long at all though to realise that they weren't my ideas on it. Not sure I have ever really tried to fight them or banish them. I've tried repeatedly to make life better though because I suppose I knew I'd be stuck with it for a while. To varying degrees of success but obviously- to ultimate failure.

 

[AmIForReal]

Thirty years but off and on. The thought was like a fellow traveller in harder times. Sometimes top of mind at other times in the background.
I always backed off when it came to putting that passive thought into action. Until recently.

 

[Shinobu]

been dealing with them for 7 years, only time they improved was during a relationship. I've tried recovery and counselling and nothing has worked

yea same well not 7 years part more like 3-4 ish but yea I only felt better during a relationship and I wouldn't even say better it just put it under the water for a little bit and when it ended it came back like 4x worse like now im not even going to try to get into a relationship anymore it just causes me more pain until I CTB

 

[PlzTake MeWithYou]

It started when I was in elementary school, it's been 30 years and I'm still here waiting for nothing. Been scared my whole life, of teachers classmates parents strangers and endless nightmares.
I can't even keep a job because I always cry and I can't stop it. I struggled to finish my career training and now I'm jobless. I don't dare to look for another job because it will end up same...
It's exhausting to think about my future because I can't see it, there's no future for me because I have 0 money lol, pathetic much.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I'm 55 years old and been dealing with wanting to die since I was 18 years old. I suffer from major depressive disorder. I've had years where I'd be in remission then meds would stop working or something would trigger me and I would relapse. Right now is the longest and worst episode I've ever had going on 2 years!! Nothing is helping and I want to be dead already...

 

[Ffaxanadu]

If so, how is life for you? And why hasn't your thinking changed for so many years?

It has been more than 30 years, my thinking did changed now and then, but my life has been a shit almost all the time, so the suicidal side of me never really left.

There are periods where I feel better (mostly because of medicines), and periods I feel worse (mostly because of other people).

So, it's an Up/Down cycle.

 

[Gangrel]

Yeah since i was teen basically. Always was and am a depressed fuck.

 

[N33dT0D13]

At least two decades even now, probs a little longer

 

[burglarlydante]

I've been dealing with depression since my 10's, now I'm 21
So basically 11 years having suicidal thoughts and trying desperately to end my existence here
And probably be that way till i die

 

[husky]

I've wanted to die since i was about 15, i'm now 30, and i feel like the past 15 years have just been a total waste. I haven't achieved anything and things have only gotten progressively worse. So if i did die at a young age, it would have made no difference. I live for nothing. I'm not doing another 15 years of this.

 

[uniqueusername4]

I've been depressed since I was a kid and my first attempt was 8 years ago. I thought about it for years before then so I'd say explicitly suicidal for 12 years. It is really hard because there is just no reason that can justify the suffering here. Like even if I did fix my thoughts...why...? What for? Everything is so nonsensical and meaningless. The thoughts always come back, I am never safe. It is pointless.

 

[Hollowman]

37 years, my life isn't worth waking up for.

 

[tsykoais]

6 years, 4 plans, 3 attempts. i'm just not made for here.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

On and off for years. You know when they say some people are too depressed to even have the energy to CTB? Yep that's me-2 decades of suicidal ideation and exactly 0 attempts to date. Just waiting for that push where I have no choice I guess like if something happens to my mother. I hope to be one attempt and done.

 

[Plentiful_Despair]

I think about it since almost 10 years....and its getting worse every year. I just can't change it

 

[RoseGarden]

I've felt this way my entire life, and tbh my life fucking sucks

 

[TheSongThtNeverEnds]

I remember when I first thought to myself when I was 14 years old that, "I won't be here next week!" thinking of ending it back then. That was over 20 years ago and i think of it often if not daily. My childhood was hell. My adult life hasn't been much better

 

[lifeisbutadream]

Me too, many years, but i don't have the guts to do it. I think it's more common than we know.

It's not like we have a choice here on earth: "Do you choose never to die?" Besides i greatly look forward to the world to come. I believe that what we call death is actually awaking, like my name says.

PS Watch some videos on "near death experiences" about people who have been vouchsafed a glimpse of the next world, Heaven..

 

[Cress]

If so, how is life for you? And why hasn't your thinking changed for so many years?

I would say it hasn't really changed much maybe as I got older I could go longer with out being suicidal potentially. It's always been the same though struggling to commit to a suicide attempt. Some attempts went through but weren't well thought out. As you get older you're better at planning and your methodology becomes more deadly but it's less likely I'm going to commit to an attempt because I just have a different understanding of what suicide means. It's a fairly depressing form of limbo.

 

[hawkshorizon]

I've thought about it sporadically for over more than three decades.

 

[franzkafka]

The first instance was at 10 years old where I thought "What if I trow myself off the window right now"
Now I'm 27 and I thinking daily at suicide.

 

[lamargue]

ever since i learnt to think

 

[syph_ilis]

For the majority of my life. I feel some of us are just genetically wired like that.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I'd never wish for something so terrible and torturous as existence, simply being conscious and aware is a burden that only ever brings me suffering. I personally never should have existed and it's so painful how I had to exist at all, I'd always prefer to not exist than to suffer in this cruel existence for decades longer just to die in agony from old age, all I wish for is to be at peace, I just wish to rest, only permanent nothingness is desirable to me

 

[etherealspring]

im so tired. im always tired. ive tried to change my perspective, my way of thinking, being positive yet i always end up coming back to the same train of thought every single time. the same feelings come back and day to day life becomes excrutiating. i dont want help or to recover anymore, i just want to die. trying is too exhausting, i dont want to do it anymore. 8 years of this is already 8 years too long, it shouldn't be like this