I called a few times. The trick, at first, was to never let on about how close or not close you are to CTBing... never tell them how or when, just that you are thinking about it. If they can't figure out any details, they can't intervene. Also, if you can't reassure them that you aren't going to do after you hang up, they will intervene. I was able to call a few times before I got myself into trouble.
The last time I called, I was panicked and I seriously thought today was the day. I told them I was having a really bad day. I did not tell them I thought today was the day, though. I spent 2 hours telling them about how I felt (this was not the first long call like this). I thought I had done a good job letting them know that I was okay, when I hung up. I was leaving on vacation the next day for a week in another country so come on... that's reason enough, I thought. I actually needed to go on the spiritual retreat that week, to try and help me overcome my suicidal thoughts.
The woman on the line called the police. There are 2 reasons she may have felt the need to call that time and not the other times... I used the expression, "shoot myself in the head" while refering to killing myself. I don't plan on executing that method, so to me, it's irrelevant that I use this expression... it just conveyed an image of me dying (I was just trying to make a point). But to her, this could have been an indication of my chosen method... of course, they will want to check if I have a gun. Which is why she might have used this to call the police.
The other thing is that she asked me to promise her that I would not kill myself. For the first time, I was not able to promise. I just had to be truthful, I answered, no one that is considering suicide can promise that. It is scientifically proven that something like 30 % of people try to commit suicide within 5 minutes of deciding to commit suicide. There is a further something like 30 % of people who will do it in the next hour and another 30 % in the next day. So even when people honestly think they will not do it soon... committting suicide has something like 90% chance of happening impulsively. I told her that as a mental health professional, I'm pretty sure she already knows this and that she knows what impulsivity does to a person... when emotions overwhelmed, the brain doesn't fonction. There is no talking yourself out if you are in an impulsive emotional crisis and want to kill yourself.
My choice that morning was to grab the phone. Well, that will never happen again
After that call ended, I thought I was going to make it through the day and make it to my vacation the next day. I also had a few things I wanted to get done, like check out the funeral home where I think my daughter would like my funeral. I went in... I asked if I could get an appointement to discuss arrangements. She put me on the list for 30 minutes later. I went outside and walked around the cemetary.
Then... my phone rings. It is the police calling to check on me. They say the lady from the suicide hotline said they should check up on me because she was worried I might commit suicide today. They asked if they could meet with me. I said, well, I have a meeting at 11h. They ask if I can postpone that and come meet with them. I say okay, fine. And I start to head out to my car. I am walking toward my car with my phone in hand when I see two police officers there, they are waiting for me.
They have tracked my phone and they take me in. It takes a while before they get the proper documents to actually bring me to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. All the while, I have to wait in the police car. And while I'm waiting, they are breaking into my house. In my house, they see the book "The Final Exit" on my kitchen table. That is enough for them to confirm I am really suicidal and they proceed to search my whole house for a gun.
They do not find one. Luckily, the textbook I currently have and am studying to get my gun licence was in the trunk of my car... The gun method is only my second option. They passed right by my helium tanks and never made the link.
I'm an intelligent person... enough. At the hospital, I talked with the doctor and psychiatrist and both deemed me well enough to go home later that day.
but the whole day was a nightmare.
I am never calling a suicide hotline again.
I had a psychologist to talk to so the next day, I told him about this. Everything was fine. That was last month. Last week, I also had to flush him because he told me that when it become obvious that it is near... he will have to intervene... that is his job, his is bound by law to report a suicidal person who is a danger to himself or herself.
So there it is... my story and my take on suicidal hotlines...
Live and learn. I learned that the police can track your phone and find you anywhere. So if they call you while you are suicidal. Hang up, close your location services and close your phone. I went I bought myself a burner phone. I have close my location services indefinately and do not call the suicide hotline or my psychologist anymore. Killing myself is my right. No one should have the right to take that away from me - but apparently, yes, they have the right to take that away from me.
