Story has all this suffering made you emotionally numb too?

[_Minsk]

looking back i see a person who was so open, i've always heard people saying that i was so open and loving. i loved my emotional side, even tho its hard that way growing up. i loved crying, i felt save being in these melancholic states. i wasn't into much pain, all i knew and felt was this relief. i locked myself into my room to just float into that sadness, i loved it, it felt like a warm blanket. it made me feel alive, like i was in touch with myself.. over the time, countless events of horror and pain washed over me, way to much to bear. sadness got replaced by pain. i cant even grasp anymore how life once used to be, all i know is pain. physical and mentally.. i remember my first real flare up of suicidal Ideation when i was 14yo, school was horrible, i was ugly, i hated it. i always was the outsider. one day the pain was too much to bear. i took some wine bottles and got drunk the first time. it was time to go to school but i just couldnt bear another day. i drank the whole bottle, ended up cutting my whole body, i still feel embarrassed but i couldnt help it.. i wasnt seeking for attention, i just wanted the pain to stop..

when my dad cheated on my mom, we had to leave him, i went with my mom and younger sis. my mom was suicidal when all this happend, i was ~9yo when my mom had to leave him. i remember her being suicidal, joking about getting into her car and crashing into something. it was sad, but those things never really shaked me, it was sad and wanted her to feel good again.. over the years my mom started to neglected me more and more, finally she endet up in a religious cult, i never was into religious stuff. my sis followed my mom into it. i ended up losing my moms love. i no longer cared for anything, loosing myself into countless hours of online rpg's, it was my escape. my whole life has be come a quest of escaping. i dont regret it. i remember times, me sitting and playing my rpg's, my mom, one room next to me was complaining about me. this had an big impact on me. i know this story isnt as horrible as some who've experienced rape, but it left its marks on me tough..

my mom slowly started to withdrawal me from my pc, it was my only escape.. i ended up living at my dad, he was living with his new one.. she also had her own children from another guy. she was incredible selfish, i wonder till today how my dad could end up with someone like her.. she and her children are the generic type of bully family. her daughter had an massive attention complex, she and her mom were the center of this family... my dad became unreachable.. i had no one whom i could share myself with. growing up with his new emotionally, abusive family made me escape even more.. eventually i ended up becoming addicted to this melancholia and sadness, i loved to fantasize about suicide. life was extremely hard but every time i manage to get into this state of melancholia i feel like being back into this time where things were way more bearable than how it is now. maybe thats why i love to be into sadness.. many horrible things happened but my affinity to death has been my only true friend who never left me. it gives me relief..

things have changed, i've become emotionally so numb due to all of this,.. i've been given a psychiatric drug which i had to take in order to stay in therapy, it left me worse than ever.
i'm no longer able to function completely left alone my inability to socialize, it feels incredible painful to do so. due to all that pain it has become impossible to meet friends, it makes it just worse. i have no other choice than staying alone.. i hate being judged for the way i have become, i wish i could change it but i cant change my feelings. its hard to live that way, being judged for something i have no control over..

i've become so cold and numb...

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

Yes, i numbed out to preety much everything as well. After everything that happend, talk and idea of death is only exciting joyful thing in my life. Things i loved and enjoyed are just plain anoying and boring now, stressfull cuz of memories too. Hardest thing is to always pretend to be ok, just so that people stay further away from me.
Im sorry to hear of your troubles, i hate idea that many more feel this way and i hope it gets better for you, in any way you want it.
Good luck

 

[Mr2005]

No. Not in the slightest. If I stopped feeling anything I'd have no reason to kill myself but people would have every reason to be afraid of me