Hard to feel at peace

[anhedonicNfoggy]

It makes sense that non-existence is peaceful. I do want that but lately all I've been feeling anxious and nauseous because all I've been doing is obsessing over suicide. I either look at this forum or I look at sites/files related to methods. Or if I'm around people, I'm just imagining killing myself. At first, this has been comforting. But now I somehow feel so drained. All I think about now is I have to get right, I have to find the right method. In a way, it's stressful too bc I am planning for this long term. I can't do it atm so there's always this unease of when am I going to actually do it. Everything runs in my head like I imagine pre-suicide, during suicide, post-suicide. I can't help it. It's now not even that I want an escape. It's more I can't help being obsessed with it even if I want to have more control over my thoughts. I feel dizzy and lightheaded. I really felt like puking. I just either hear my tinnitus or my rapid heart beat. I could not sleep at all and it's almost 6:30 am. I have been writing and writing in my plan including my philosophy and it's more than 3000 words already. I haven't started on the more technical stuff. I just feel bad rn

 

[FuneralCry]

To me there could never be any peace as long as one is trapped here in this endless cycle of suffering, peace could only ever exist in eternal nothingness for me, existing truly can be so dreadful and it must be really tiring having to suffer like that. I hate how suicide is purposely made so difficult in this world, the fact that suicide isn't straightforward just leads to even more suffering.

 

[FindingHome]

I don't have peace either and can't seem to find it.

 

[tora]

I've been feeling like this too, I have plans to CTB next month but everyday I get more scared. I keep thinking about everything I have to do first and how ill have to have my final conversations with my family and they won't know it's the last time they'll see me but I will and I think about what if there is an afterlife that I get sent straight to and my existence will never really be over. there's so many things to overthink and my thoughts keep spiralling further and further and I'm scared I'm going to talk myself out of doing it when I have to do it because I can't afford to keep living. it's so scary to think about actually going through with it.