Happy with death- have loved ones be happy for me

[hahayeaj]

I don't know what I'm trying to say, I have been avoiding posting a thread because I know this means it's the beginning of my end- truthfully. My therapist is out of town for a few more weeks, on vacation. And they're lovely as you'll soon read. But it feels like now or never really.
I'm a 21 y/o college student, who is fairly popular/liked among peers. I don't think I have that many people so close to me. 2/3 probably and they're still at a distance.
I've talked to a few people, including my therapist, and they all know I would be happier in death. I've never wanted/needed something more. My therapist even brought up when discussing this with them I seemed more excited than scared. Which is right. About 2 months ago I had a plan but the night passed because of an incident. My therapist knew- but didn't send me to a psych ward bc they understood. This isn't me being in a crisis. I'm not doing so hot, but my baseline is wanting to CTB, even when I'm at my happiest. I genuinely just think it's about time.
I just want to know basically. How can I make people be happy I'm finally gone? I've tried my best to make every moment with everyone I care for as pleasant as possible in recent times. I have a note saying how happy I am currently- after CBTing. Saying it's okay to be upset- but to know I want everyone to live as happily as possible despite that. That it means so much to me to leave. I just don't think they can be happy with me after that. I just wanna know how to have people see it's what I need.
I know I am strong enough to do it. I can very easily turn my SI off. I have a plan. I have the strongest will out of anyone I know, genuinely, and I know plenty of more people deeply than they know me. I just want the best way to reassure them once I'm gone. Sorry if this isn't coherent, I'm trying

 

[SVEN]

I'm not at all sure that we can "programme" how others react to our actions, any more than they could make us behave as they would want. If they don't get that your fulfilment is to attain peace in your own way, by ctb, all you can really do is leave a note reassuring them that this truly is your chosen destiny, I guess.
Best wishes whatever you decide.

 

[hahayeaj]

I'm not at all sure that we can "programme" how others react to our actions, any more than they could make us behave as they would want. If they don't get that your fulfilment is to attain peace in your own way, by ctb, all you can really do is leave a note reassuring them that this truly is your chosen destiny, I guess.
Best wishes whatever you decide.

I mean you def can't program your right, and I'm not expecting them to be happy. I know first hand the pain people will feel. I just want to try to get them to be able to move on quickly

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Yeh I've been trying to do that with my mother, get her prepared just be like it's ok it's for the best, don't be sad etc. but I'm more than a decade older than you and she knows not to have the normal hopes parents have for their children (marriage, kids, travel etc.) she knows I won't do any of that now, and still I know it will devastate her. But with someone younger like you, I think parents and family are always gonna be like "all my hopes for my child are gone" and that's a tough thing to get over.

It'd be way easier to just make yourself more happy to be here and try and enjoy life I think! It's good you are seeing a therapist and that they're lovely, what do they say about the way you are feeling? Have you always felt this way? I don't know, I'm not telling you what to do I just guess I'm wondering why. If you're genuinely ok with life but just don't enjoy it all that much, you have to take into account if you do something and fail you could end up in a much worse state. And if you do succeed your family and friends lives are going to be worse, they will be devastated. I think it's only really worth causing that level of grief if you are truly suffering right NOW. This is just my opinion though, I'm not going to tell you what to do.

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't think that you can even know it's really understandable wishing for that. In my opinion, people should see death as being a relief as it's the permanent escape from all suffering, people should be glad that at least one cannot suffer anymore even if they are upset that the person died. But anyway whatever happens in this world after any of us are gone could never be our concern, we all have to cease existing someday and we are only destined to be forgotten about.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think the note you mentioned is a very good idea. It's all we can do at the end of the day. Your therapist does sound like she understands your mindset. Perhaps you could write a specific note to her. Maybe that you are concerned for your loved ones. That you want them to try to understand what a happy release this was for you. I guess you could give her permission as it were to break client confidentuality. If you think she would talk to your loved ones perhaps to try to help them to understand.

 

[hahayeaj]

I think the note you mentioned is a very good idea. It's all we can do at the end of the day. Your therapist does sound like she understands your mindset. Perhaps you could write a specific note to her. Maybe that you are concerned for your loved ones. That you want them to try to understand what a happy release this was for you. I guess you could give her permission as it were to break client confidentuality. If you think she would talk to your loved ones perhaps to try to help them to understand.

I would definitely let her speak to my loved ones, and I'd send her a specific note too. My therapist may not "understand" but they are genuinely supportive in my views. Legally they can't truthfully agree, and morally/interpersonally they probably don't, and get upset at the idea. But they are rather supportive