Fowli
Member
- Sep 15, 2022
- 22
Hi everyone, before I tell you my story, I want to share this picture :
This means a lot to me. I'm a 22 y/o musician from France that began producing original compositions about 6 years ago. This artwork, done by a wonderful artist I met online, was supposed to be the cover art of my first album. Before this, I had already done an EP, and worked with other artists. I was getting quite confident and wanted to release something that I could be proud of, that I would've put my soul and skills on it. However, I never finished it, for a reason I forgot.
Instead, I went to work on projects of other artists, and 2 years ago, I met the best musician I ever came across. We started working on a very ambitious album. Things were looking great. Just like her, the music was beautiful, elegant, unique, and still easy to listen to. A friend of mine who is a talented grey hat hacker, is able to give me the phone number and e-mail of almost anyone I wished to contact. So, even though we were a bunch of nobodies, with the right words, we got to plan featurings with some amazing artists in France, which music industry is particularly difficult to get into. I was living my dream.
But a year ago, she started panicking about the shear size of the project, and started slowing down her work input, until she didn't write anymore. I gave her as much time as I could give, but it wasn't enough. She started saying that I inhibit her ability to write, and I believed her, because I trusted her. A year later, and I'm now a depressed fuck. She abused me for months in what has become a toxic relationship, the project is canceled, and I've lost the will to write music, which was the only thing that kept me going.
So yeah, it's not that big of a deal.
The thing is, after all these efforts, I still have to start everything over, and I prefer dying. I'm at peace with that, because I don't value my life very much. It's just weird being alive, I thought about ending everything for years just because I don't understand why I am conscious, and why I should go through all the struggle of life rather than just not existing anymore. Now that I'm suffering from depression, I truly want to end it. I do not seek therapy and don't talk to my friends about it because I don't want to be helped.
I tried to ctb for the first time this week by poisoning myself, but ended up vomitting everything. This was totally unplanned, so I did everything wrong. I found this forum while looking to plan a serious attempt. I hope I will find peace amongst you depressed pals. If not, I hope I will find a way to go peacefully. I'm not afraid of death, but I'm afraid of an afterlife in which I would remember a painful death. Just like a video game that was just good enough to keep me playing, this difficult part of it has me wanting to delete it.
In the meantime, I like to look at this picture, thinking about what my life could've been if I just worked on a solo project.
I was wondering, do you guys feel something similar, or am I just the only spoiled idiot that can't enjoy life ?
TL;DR : I don't have a bad life, I'm just living through a difficult phase and depression for a few months only. Because I never valued my life as precious, I want to end it all, as I don't want to play the game of life anymore.
This means a lot to me. I'm a 22 y/o musician from France that began producing original compositions about 6 years ago. This artwork, done by a wonderful artist I met online, was supposed to be the cover art of my first album. Before this, I had already done an EP, and worked with other artists. I was getting quite confident and wanted to release something that I could be proud of, that I would've put my soul and skills on it. However, I never finished it, for a reason I forgot.
Instead, I went to work on projects of other artists, and 2 years ago, I met the best musician I ever came across. We started working on a very ambitious album. Things were looking great. Just like her, the music was beautiful, elegant, unique, and still easy to listen to. A friend of mine who is a talented grey hat hacker, is able to give me the phone number and e-mail of almost anyone I wished to contact. So, even though we were a bunch of nobodies, with the right words, we got to plan featurings with some amazing artists in France, which music industry is particularly difficult to get into. I was living my dream.
But a year ago, she started panicking about the shear size of the project, and started slowing down her work input, until she didn't write anymore. I gave her as much time as I could give, but it wasn't enough. She started saying that I inhibit her ability to write, and I believed her, because I trusted her. A year later, and I'm now a depressed fuck. She abused me for months in what has become a toxic relationship, the project is canceled, and I've lost the will to write music, which was the only thing that kept me going.
So yeah, it's not that big of a deal.
The thing is, after all these efforts, I still have to start everything over, and I prefer dying. I'm at peace with that, because I don't value my life very much. It's just weird being alive, I thought about ending everything for years just because I don't understand why I am conscious, and why I should go through all the struggle of life rather than just not existing anymore. Now that I'm suffering from depression, I truly want to end it. I do not seek therapy and don't talk to my friends about it because I don't want to be helped.
I tried to ctb for the first time this week by poisoning myself, but ended up vomitting everything. This was totally unplanned, so I did everything wrong. I found this forum while looking to plan a serious attempt. I hope I will find peace amongst you depressed pals. If not, I hope I will find a way to go peacefully. I'm not afraid of death, but I'm afraid of an afterlife in which I would remember a painful death. Just like a video game that was just good enough to keep me playing, this difficult part of it has me wanting to delete it.
In the meantime, I like to look at this picture, thinking about what my life could've been if I just worked on a solo project.
I was wondering, do you guys feel something similar, or am I just the only spoiled idiot that can't enjoy life ?
TL;DR : I don't have a bad life, I'm just living through a difficult phase and depression for a few months only. Because I never valued my life as precious, I want to end it all, as I don't want to play the game of life anymore.
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