Venting Happiness isn't my problem

[Zykg85]

I feel like a lot of ppl don't really understand that being suicidal doesn't mean I'm always sad. I'm not sad about it. I'm angry if anything. But ultimately, I'm tired. I'm exhausted.

I can laugh, i can be happy. I can feel joy.

But it's fleeting. Everyone knows that, right? I'm just tired of waking up. I've always been suicidal. No matter where I've been in my life, what's been going on, what I've done, what's been done to me, I've always wanted to go.

But people always seem to respond like they think you just need to be happy. Just need to cheer up, like insto presto boom, I'm cured of wanting to not be here anymore

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that this is why it's best not to open up about wanting to die as other people simply cannot understand as they cannot experience life the same way. Often communication certainly leads to invalidation. I've also always wished to leave this world and I know that under no circumstances could I ever feel differently, it's just the way that things are.

 

[AnonymousS]

I feel like a lot of ppl don't really understand that being suicidal doesn't mean I'm always sad. I'm not sad about it. I'm angry if anything. But ultimately, I'm tired. I'm exhausted.

I can laugh, i can be happy. I can feel joy.

But it's fleeting. Everyone knows that, right? I'm just tired of waking up. I've always been suicidal. No matter where I've been in my life, what's been going on, what I've done, what's been done to me, I've always wanted to go.

But people always seem to respond like they think you just need to be happy. Just need to cheer up, like insto presto boom, I'm cured of wanting to not be here anymore

My favourite book on depression has a quote by the author of something like " The opposite of depression is not joy or happiness, it's vitality." I wholeheartedly agree with him, it consumes your whole mind and body.

 

[starbright2155]

I agree that many people don't understand the dynamics of suicidality. However, that doesn't mean they don't care about your wellbeing; it could just mean they don't understand what you're going through. Also, I'm sure them saying "just smile more" or something similar is their attempt to help while also avoiding difficult discussion. As you know, it's not that simple.

Shedding your suicidal thoughts takes a lot of time and effort. What's tough is that many people believe they don't have enough time or energy to change, but they usually do.

You said you've always been suicidal, that you've always wanted to go. Why do you think that is?

 

[theboy]

So true

 

[Zykg85]

Shedding your suicidal thoughts takes a lot of time and effort. What's tough is that many people believe they don't have enough time or energy to change, but they usually do.

You said you've always been suicidal, that you've always wanted to go. Why do you think that is?

I am honestly well past the point of figuring out how to stay alive; that i should just give it another 40 years and maybe by then i won't feel like it'd be better to rest in peace

I think the reason i've always wanted to go is because it's what i need most of everything; what i ultimately crave is peace. I'm not ever going to get that in this lifetim

 

[starbright2155]

I am honestly well past the point of figuring out how to stay alive; that i should just give it another 40 years and maybe by then i won't feel like it'd be better to rest in peace

I think the reason i've always wanted to go is because it's what i need most of everything; what i ultimately crave is peace. I'm not ever going to get that in this lifetim

You don't need to give it another 40 years. It could take as little as a year, which might seem like a long time, but considering your mental health may improve dramatically, it may be worth the effort.

This might sound crazy and like I'm minimizing your issues, but I promise that isn't my intent. Something that helped me greatly when I was suicidal was embracing my SI. Whenever my depressive and/or suicidal thoughts took over, I focused on the basics. Are any of my basic needs (i.e., food, water, shelter, sleep, basic physical health) not being met? Is my mind racing? If so, how can I slow it down? Guided meditation helped me greatly; even something as simple as sitting with your eyes closed, taking deep breaths, and only focusing on your breathing may help. I didn't focus on the well-being of my friends, family, colleagues, etc....I focused only on myself. I found peace in this process, but it took time.

 

[absolomonisgone]

You don't need to give it another 40 years. It could take as little as a year, which might seem like a long time, but considering your mental health may improve dramatically, it may be worth the effort.

This might sound crazy and like I'm minimizing your issues, but I promise that isn't my intent. Something that helped me greatly when I was suicidal was embracing my SI. Whenever my depressive and/or suicidal thoughts took over, I focused on the basics. Are any of my basic needs (i.e., food, water, shelter, sleep, basic physical health) not being met? Is my mind racing? If so, how can I slow it down? Guided meditation helped me greatly; even something as simple as sitting with your eyes closed, taking deep breaths, and only focusing on your breathing may help. I didn't focus on the well-being of my friends, family, colleagues, etc....I focused only on myself. I found peace in this process, but it took time.

you undertand what she is saying?

 

[immrw]

Yeah, I agree. I also feel fleeting joy. It's not worth it if I feel "happy" 2/365 days every year. Even when I'm happy, I'm still anxious and tired. I've been in therapy for 5 years. I honestly am at the point of accepting my childhood trauma permanently altered my emotional state. Those who haven't experienced it just don't understand how trauma is like a dark cloud following you around everywhere. It's not a battle worth fighting, in my situation.

 

[starbright2155]

you undertand what she is saying?

Am I missing anything?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Am I missing anything?

The fact that they said they are well past the point of trying to recover. 40 years was just a hyperbolae. I don't think they actually felt 40 years was the minimum they had to give life to improve.

 

[starbright2155]

The fact that they said they are well past the point of trying to recover. 40 years was just a hyperbolae. I don't think they actually felt 40 years was the minimum they had to give life to improve.

It may have been hyperbolic, but I acknowledged it as if it was literal to say it doesn't take that long. If OP has truly exhausted all of their options, then okay.

 

[HybridSpectre]

Sentiments like "just cheer up", "it takes time", etc have been repeated to me so often that they've clichéd. I've read many self-help books and watched motivational videos, all saying the same thing. After reading or listening to something powerful I get a temporal high, a rush, that maybe my life could change for the better, but this lasts only a short time. The aftermath always left me crashed and really down emotionally. So I started journalling, putting happy thoughts of what's happened and what I hope to happen; and I'd read and re-read them over and over again, whenever I'd feel depressed. But the result was always the same, I became more depressed and suicidal.

Somewhere along the way it's like a circuit in my brain got fried, and ever since I never really know what I feel. I feel disconnected from everything and more suicidal than ever. I've lost all hope of ever achieving the dreams I once had for my future, cause I feel like I don't even understand them anymore . The things that always made me happy now feel dull and have no effect on me. Everything I do too feels exhausting, making me dread every second of my existence, asking questions that have no answers. I'm angry at everything, literally. But I tend to put up a forced smile, lest someone got wind of my suicidality.

Happiness is overrated. I agree that being happy doesn't take away the urge to just end it all, but just makes you more frustrated when it doesn't help at all. And it gets more heartbreaking when you can't figure out what's wrong with yourself. Life sucks. What a sad broken world we're forced to endure every second.

 

[BritishPaul]

Sentiments like "just cheer up", "it takes time", etc have been repeated to me so often that they've clichéd. I've read many self-help books and watched motivational videos, all saying the same thing.

This is why I've lost hope in motivational videos and shit like that. If I want motivation and support, I'll go to a human or a chatbot or something. Motivational quotes are rarely not just the same regurgitated stuff.

 

[redeyepiranha]

I absolutely understand you, for me happiness isn't worth it. Even when I'm happy, ctb isn't getting out of my mind. I've thought about future a lot, after graduating from uni I'll find a job and then what? Working till I die and then rotting in the grave. Sounds exciting duh.

 

[outrider567]

Yeah, I agree. I also feel fleeting joy. It's not worth it if I feel "happy" 2/365 days every year. Even when I'm happy, I'm still anxious and tired. I've been in therapy for 5 years. I honestly am at the point of accepting my childhood trauma permanently altered my emotional state. Those who haven't experienced it just don't understand how trauma is like a dark cloud following you around everywhere. It's not a battle worth fighting, in my situation.

2 out of 365 days feeling happy is still better than my 0 out of 365 days--You're right, tho, I can only imagine what childhood trauma is like, no idea, but with my girlfriend's death, I also feel that same 'dark cloud'(of death and depression)is always following me around no matter where I go or what I do....from the minute I wake up

 

[SexyIncél]

Sentiments like "just cheer up", "it takes time", etc have been repeated to me so often that they've clichéd.

Yeah, such advice ignores root causes. People blindly spammed me with advice that Worked For Them. Like a plumber just plunging your toilet when your kitchen sink's clogged

Breathing exercises. Stoicism. Therapy. Vagus nerve stimulation. Fighting for God's glory. Etc. Just lonely useless masturbatory relief of suffering

At least some advice tried to be fun: LSD with a friend. Partying and banging randos

With some advisors, I'd do the opposite. "No! Learn the satisfaction of being alone!" = run to the nearest crowd of people. Because I saw what their lives were like, and I'd rather blow my head off