Venting happiness in the face of death

[february in alaska]

I know it's momentary, because I've been going through cycles of fear and SI and numbness and sadness, but right now I feel so at ease and excited to leave. I spent a few hours recording myself reading out loud and sitting in the autumn trees. All dry crunchy leaves, chilly weather that means it's almost winter. And at the end of winter, I'll CTB. It's coming so soon.

Full hanging is probably not going to be the most peaceful way to go. It's going to have both fear and pain involved, no matter how much I try to mitigate it. I can't understand why I'm so excited to do it. I feel like true freedom is out there somewhere. True freedom, away from everyone, even yourself. I feel like the other side is going to be a warm embrace. Knowing my time is so limited makes me want to make the most of it. And not "make the most of it" in the sense of doing these big grand things or spending loans and doing crazy things... but "make the most of it" as in, doing exactly what I want to be doing. Sometimes I do nothing. Sometimes I read, sometimes I hold my cat, sometimes I self harm, sometimes I eat all the food I can find, sometimes I binge watch bad TV, sometimes I chainsmoke, sometimes I stay on the bus and just watch the world pass by until I reach the final stop. All the little things. The little things were always the part of life I enjoyed the most. It's the big things that made me dread growing up and still make me dread the future. I wish life could be as simple as doing nothing and looking out the window and drinking a cup of tea. I think I'd rather enjoy it, if that's all it was.

It's strange to look around and see everyone rushing around, worrying about the most trivial things, getting upset and overreacting or being cruel or arrogant or anything. All I can think is, I'm going to die soon, and none of you even know it. I feel like I've had everything put into perspective. None of it matters anymore, and that's okay. It's so much nicer once you try to see death as a friend

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's really understandable looking forward to leaving this existence, I wish you the best with your plans, it must be a relief to feel at ease.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I resonate with this so much. Not practicality-wise because for now, I'm caught up in all the stress of living- mainly the stress of trying to earn a living. But, my mindset is closer to yours now. I agree, there's something so freeing to let it all go. It's no wonder people often report that those who do suicide seemed to be happier/better just before they do. It's because they know their fight is coming to an end and soon, they won't have to worry about anything. I hope you enjoy your time left.

 

[february in alaska]

I resonate with this so much. Not practicality-wise because for now, I'm caught up in all the stress of living- mainly the stress of trying to earn a living. But, my mindset is closer to yours now. I agree, there's something so freeing to let it all go. It's no wonder people often report that those who do suicide seemed to be happier/better just before they do. It's because they know their fight is coming to an end and soon, they won't have to worry about anything. I hope you enjoy your time left.

Thank you, I hope you find things to enjoy here and there too <3 it's horribly ironic that some people fight to live and some people fight to die. Nothing ever comes easy, huh?

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Yes, it's such a beautiful feeling to have finally arrived at that sweet point of acceptance.
I'm no longer afraid to die and am beyond certain that ending my existence is the right thing to do.
I'm happy to be leaving soon, almost joyful.

 

[piddincir]

I really like the way you write this, you've really captured that feeling quite beautifully. Only at the end and when you accept your fate can you let go of all the pain and suffering and see the beauty (and bullshit) in the small things of the world you're leaving behind.

 

[february in alaska]

Yes, it's such a beautiful feeling to have finally arrived at that sweet point of acceptance.
I'm no longer afraid to die and am beyond certain that ending my existence is the right thing to do.
I'm happy to be leaving soon, almost joyful.

Now I'm just trying to maintain the acceptance :') I agree completely. I hope you find the peace you're looking for, sincerely

I really like the way you write this, you've really captured that feeling quite beautifully. Only at the end and when you accept your fate can you let go of all the pain and suffering and see the beauty (and bullshit) in the small things of the world you're leaving behind.

Thank you, haha

I really do believe that people who haven't seriously considered suicide will never be able to truly understand what it feels like

Real existentialism is terrifying but also incredibly beautiful. Even for people who don't want to CTB, I think coming to terms with your own morality is so important. Then you can let go of all the things you don't want anymore, decide whether or not you want to be alive, and do what you want with the time you have