Hanging myself in less than 12 hours

[ChildOfLove]

A few days ago I set my mind on hanging myself. The problem is that it now feels to me like it was a very impulsive decision and I am not sure whether I will have the courage to carry out my plan at all. I feel so fucking discouraged, like my mind's too weak for suicide.
I have attempted both full suspension and partial before and I would like to believe I am experienced enough to succeed this time. I am planning to CTB tomorrow, on Monday, preferably in the morning. I am really desperate and know there is no other way out. I know perfectly well the regret that will assail me will I not do it tomorrow.

Yet I still can't come to peace with my decision. Like I said it feels very impulsive and I can't really pinpoint why. I have been suicidal for nearly three years, failed four attempts, could list countless reasons why I want to go and why that is reasonable. I know that my future will only bring about more suffering and that I cannot get help due to the difficult situation I am in right now (of also but not only an economic nature) and will be in for many years to come. I know of the countless days I will spend all alone, of how it feels to have not one human being to talk to. I know of my parents' abuse that I will have to endure. I have grown up in a very toxic and unsafe environment--a narcissistic mother with psychopathic tendencies and a father who is emotionally and often physically absent. Both of my parents are violent, especially my mother, and have treated me like shit since I can remember.

I have been alone all my life, was never able to connect with other people, and have felt like an outcast since I was in elementary. There has never been a person I could call my friend. I grew up isolated and without a place I could call home.
A year ago, at the age of 17, I inexplicably got lucky enough to meet a wonderful person who I truly felt comfortable and safe with. We became friends quickly and our relationship was very intimate. Friendship was not something I had experienced before meeting that person. It was the happiest I'd ever been. He understood me, shared with me many of the struggles that were my own, made me feel truly loved and cared for, and much much more that words would never allow me to convey. Unfortunately, I lost this friend not long ago and, as I've already mentioned in another post, I have felt extremely suicidal ever since and more miserable than ever. Not only am I deeply hurt by the loss of such a special and important person whom I loved with all my heart, but I also feel like friendship or any kind of interpersonal relationship is permanently out of reach now. I believe that being granted experiencing it once is a one-in-a-lifetime event in my case and I can't come to terms with that.

I know hanging myself is the right choice to make. I would unburden so many people of my existence. I could save so many people who would otherwise be cursed to make my acquaintance in the future. Hell, I feel like a curse to the entire universe.
I wish I could just talk to someone without feeling extremely unworthy of talking to them. I really need someone to talk to. I so desperately wish to be understood. There are so many more things that I wish to say but this post will never be able to fully convey my true feelings on the matter. Still, it is an attempt.

 

[OmoriFan]

Im not sure if you want an answer or not since this is a vent but I thought I would share my quick thought.

I think that the reason you cant come to peace with your decision is because, even though you know future wont bring you anything good, you still yearn for more (for example just like you said you want someone to talk to)

It might seem impulsive to you since you lost someone not long ago and your mental health got worse, but im not really sure if thats true.

Although i feel like you might have already known all that i just said, i still wanted to share my thoughts.

 

[Yuki_03]

I am nobody to tell what you should think or feel, but even if it is an impulsive decision, why should it matter? You are suffering and suicide looks like a method or solution to it. For what I read you have suffered a lot and I understand that you want it to end.

Maybe what holds you back is a speck of hope, or regret. I don't usually like to think of SI, as they are usually fueled by our emotions. Maybe you are afraid, or you wish for someone to understand you. Then maybe suicide wouldnt be an escape, but a try for a call for help. Maybe that's why you feel it like it's impulsive and rushed.

I recommend that you give yourself some time. Ctb is the last thing that we do, so take your time. That's beautiful about it. You have all the time to reconsider, retry, and think before doing it, so let it sink in, and think if it is what you want or what reasons you have for it. If you feel misunderstood or need someone to talk to, I am all ears. I am not the best person, but I try to, so if you need it, I'm here to hear you.

 

[Nikitatos]

I wish I could just talk to someone without feeling extremely unworthy of talking to them. I really need someone to talk to. I so desperately wish to be understood. There are so many more things that I wish to say but this post will never be able to fully convey my true feelings on the matter. Still, it is an attempt.

I'm really not a pro-lifer; but you're very young and you just had a traumatic experience. To an unknown observer, it doesn't sound like you really want to do it.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

A few days ago I set my mind on hanging myself. The problem is that it now feels to me like it was a very impulsive decision and I am not sure whether I will have the courage to carry out my plan at all. I feel so fucking discouraged, like my mind's too weak for suicide.
I have attempted both full suspension and partial before and I would like to believe I am experienced enough to succeed this time. I am planning to CTB tomorrow, on Monday, preferably in the morning. I am really desperate and know there is no other way out. I know perfectly well the regret that will assail me will I not do it tomorrow.

Yet I still can't come to peace with my decision. Like I said it feels very impulsive and I can't really pinpoint why. I have been suicidal for nearly three years, failed four attempts, could list countless reasons why I want to go and why that is reasonable. I know that my future will only bring about more suffering and that I cannot get help due to the difficult situation I am in right now (of also but not only an economic nature) and will be in for many years to come. I know of the countless days I will spend all alone, of how it feels to have not one human being to talk to. I know of my parents' abuse that I will have to endure. I have grown up in a very toxic and unsafe environment--a narcissistic mother with psychopathic tendencies and a father who is emotionally and often physically absent. Both of my parents are violent, especially my mother, and have treated me like shit since I can remember.

I have been alone all my life, was never able to connect with other people, and have felt like an outcast since I was in elementary. There has never been a person I could call my friend. I grew up isolated and without a place I could call home.
A year ago, at the age of 17, I inexplicably got lucky enough to meet a wonderful person who I truly felt comfortable and safe with. We became friends quickly and our relationship was very intimate. Friendship was not something I had experienced before meeting that person. It was the happiest I'd ever been. He understood me, shared with me many of the struggles that were my own, made me feel truly loved and cared for, and much much more that words would never allow me to convey. Unfortunately, I lost this friend not long ago and, as I've already mentioned in another post, I have felt extremely suicidal ever since and more miserable than ever. Not only am I deeply hurt by the loss of such a special and important person whom I loved with all my heart, but I also feel like friendship or any kind of interpersonal relationship is permanently out of reach now. I believe that being granted experiencing it once is a one-in-a-lifetime event in my case and I can't come to terms with that.

I know hanging myself is the right choice to make. I would unburden so many people of my existence. I could save so many people who would otherwise be cursed to make my acquaintance in the future. Hell, I feel like a curse to the entire universe.
I wish I could just talk to someone without feeling extremely unworthy of talking to them. I really need someone to talk to. I so desperately wish to be understood. There are so many more things that I wish to say but this post will never be able to fully convey my true feelings on the matter. Still, it is an attempt.

Honestly sounds like there's a part of you that isn't willing to give up that happiness you found with that person. That maybe a part of thinks you could have it again and that will is stronger, as of now, than the will to die. The chances of you having another friendship like that is entirely possible. Your method isn't going anywhere, but you could pass up something happening tomorrow to change your perspective and/or life. The possibility of you meeting people and having fullfilling relationships seems entirely possible to me. I know I don't know your situation, but I just like to think that I can sense hope in people where there is hope, and I sense that for/from you. Even your username to me implies that it's not your time. If you died tomorrow you could miss what you seem to be yearning for. You never know when things can change. Bad and good things happen by chance instantly everyday. Just my two cents.
Good luck <3

 

[stuck_here]

Please don't get offended, one experience shouldn't resort you to this extreme step, I know its pretty tough now, not promising things would get better, but thousands of heartbreaks everyday, people suffer, heal and move on. Just give it some time and don't do anything impulsive, there are a lot of people who would still love you the way you are. I wish you the best.

 

[ChildOfLove]

Please don't get offended, one experience shouldn't resort you to this extreme step, I know its pretty tough now, not promising things would get better, but thousands of heartbreaks everyday, people suffer, heal and move on. Just give it some time and don't do anything impulsive, there are a lot of people who would still love you the way you are. I wish you the best.

It's not just this experience. It served as a trigger. I was already at my lowest and this person was essentially keeping me alive and by no means am I exaggerating by saying this. I am not in the right state to respond to this properly but I assure you that surviving at home with two parents who physically and psychologically abuse you every single day while you can't move out ruins you mentally to the point where you'd rather attempt suicide. It's been going on since I was a child (I'm 18 now) and don't think I can do anything to make this change. Yes I have tried to tell people when I was younger but nobody seemed to believe me or care. I can't recall all the times my mother or father beat me til I was on the floor screaming for help and unable to get up, can't recall all of the death threats I've received, the many times my mother told me I should go ahead and kill myself and that she doesn't understand why I am still alive and that it would be better for everyone if I was just gone. One faulty parent is enough to ruin a child, but I've had to experience both. In addition to this there is my inability to socialize or to talk to people normally, which is probably due to my (undiagnosed) autism. Being as isolated from other people as I was and am, feeling cast out from my peers and having no support from literally anyone has also contributed to me feeling the way I do. This was all way before I experienced the loss of my friend. I know that people who haven't had to endure this kind of unfathomable loneliness all their lives won't be able to fully comprehend why that one traumatic event has had such an impact on me so I don't expect that from them. Though there is much more to this that I won't go through. I hope that clears it up if only a little.