Imaginos
Full-time layabout
- Apr 7, 2018
- 638
I need to get back on the horse again. I need to go hard and keep exercising. Even if I'm just a fucking useless agoraphobia who'll never go anywhere. Maybe something will happen once I'm finally in really good shape. I need to fight through the crushing futility of it all, but it's so fucking hard. Why? I keep asking myself why, but there's never an answer and, what is now the millionth newsflash to myself, THERE NEVER WILL BE! YOU FUCKING GOT THAT? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST FUCKING ACCEPT IT? How can anyone do anything without something to look forward to? How can I do anything when all I REALLY want to do is just blow my fucking brains out?!?!?
I was watching a movie recently and I was like, "Damn, just look at how alive those people are. Must be nice to be alive. They're laughing and having fun. Just seeing this makes me feel so agonizingly empty." What the hell is that? I mean, what is that? I can't understand. Just look at all that life, man. Just look at it. It's downright surreal. There's more life there in just one single moment for them than I've EVER experienced. What does it feel like? Why have I never felt that? Because you're not alive, you big dumb stupid fucking idiot head! You should know that! And we do know that, of course. It's just painful to be reminded of it is all. And it IS very painful, isn't it? One of the sharpest and most sublime pains there is for us. The pain of the soulless having to look upon those who carry their souls with them, blindingly bright and shining out for all to see. Like standing next to the beacon of a lighthouse in the middle of the night. There's you and then there's them, but there's 50 layers of bulletproof, soundproof, everythingproof glass between them and you. Everything about it confuses me and hurts me on the deepest levels. It's like getting a glimpse of the sun through a battered, olden time black and white CRT screen while living in a world of perpetual darkness frozen over with ice. I'm like a starving ghost seeing the vibrant energies of the living parade in front of me. A rotting corpse looking upon a world that is incomprehensible to me in every way. I was born dead and old. Tired and bitter. Empty and useless.
Fuck all this fucking shit. I wish I could've strangled myself in the womb. Would've saved me so much FUCKING trouble. I mean, god.....DAMN, that can't be stressed hard enough. If I ever saw my younger self appear in front of me, I'd immediately strangle him, or better yet, blow his head clean off with a .36 magnum pistol. Mostly in the hopes that I'd somehow die too, but also because I both hate myself and, paradoxically at the same time, would want to show mercy to myself by killing younger me to spare ourselves the unspeakable suffering that awaited us.
I was watching a movie recently and I was like, "Damn, just look at how alive those people are. Must be nice to be alive. They're laughing and having fun. Just seeing this makes me feel so agonizingly empty." What the hell is that? I mean, what is that? I can't understand. Just look at all that life, man. Just look at it. It's downright surreal. There's more life there in just one single moment for them than I've EVER experienced. What does it feel like? Why have I never felt that? Because you're not alive, you big dumb stupid fucking idiot head! You should know that! And we do know that, of course. It's just painful to be reminded of it is all. And it IS very painful, isn't it? One of the sharpest and most sublime pains there is for us. The pain of the soulless having to look upon those who carry their souls with them, blindingly bright and shining out for all to see. Like standing next to the beacon of a lighthouse in the middle of the night. There's you and then there's them, but there's 50 layers of bulletproof, soundproof, everythingproof glass between them and you. Everything about it confuses me and hurts me on the deepest levels. It's like getting a glimpse of the sun through a battered, olden time black and white CRT screen while living in a world of perpetual darkness frozen over with ice. I'm like a starving ghost seeing the vibrant energies of the living parade in front of me. A rotting corpse looking upon a world that is incomprehensible to me in every way. I was born dead and old. Tired and bitter. Empty and useless.
Fuck all this fucking shit. I wish I could've strangled myself in the womb. Would've saved me so much FUCKING trouble. I mean, god.....DAMN, that can't be stressed hard enough. If I ever saw my younger self appear in front of me, I'd immediately strangle him, or better yet, blow his head clean off with a .36 magnum pistol. Mostly in the hopes that I'd somehow die too, but also because I both hate myself and, paradoxically at the same time, would want to show mercy to myself by killing younger me to spare ourselves the unspeakable suffering that awaited us.
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