Venting Had everything, lost everything

[enjoy92]

Hello Community!
I don't really know what to expect writing my sorrows, but maybe some kind words or telling me straight that I need to grow up will help. I'm 31 by the way.

A few months ago my life seemed perfect for me, I was in a relationship for 3 years where I felt really comfortable (maybe too comfortable), which ended in a big fight and a break up (not my choice). It was the best relationship, best girl I could ever dream of, same interests, same job direction, could talk deeply, had amazing sex, same thoughts of the future, everything seemed perfect, at least for me..

That break up broke me to the point where I went suicidal and got on 3 different Antidepressants, benzodiazepines and one neuroleptic. Diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Also couldn't work so the doctor made it possible to get 3 months off for being mentally ill. From there on I had a really good friend who was there for me, cooked for me, took me out of my isolation and we had contact daily where he listened to all of my problems.

Then 1 month ago, my father died..

After that I was again in my friends house and we cooked together and I got a call from a female friend and was a little bit drunk and talked to her nearly 1/2 hour where my friend was still preparing food.. I know, not really nice, but I would never thought of happened next.. When I finished the call, we ate together and then he throw me out of his house, said he is seeing now what kind of a person I am and blocked me everywhere. Also we live near and we both know the same people from the past, so I'm also scared that after that he will talk a lot of shit behind my back, about my suicide Intension, antidepressants, about what a weak human I became…

So, in the last months, my relationship broke, my father died, and my best friend who did everything for me and was there when I felt the worst broke our friendship and wanted me to leave his house - that shit hurts a lot..

Since all of that I'm a complete different person, I barely talk, I isolate myself everyday, every hour, just go for work and I'm most comfortable when I'm home and rotting away my life..

I feel alone and hurt, although I have another very good friend who tries his best to get me out of my isolation, a brother and a mother who are very supportive.. I'm a male nurse and my patients also love me, so these things should be enough to feel good about my life, but I was never made for a crisis like that… I only concentrate on what I've lost and it's hard for me to be grateful for the things I still have..

I feel like I had the best things in my life and lost in in a very short of time.. and from now on everything seems to get worse.. That's what I can't deal with..

How to be fucking grateful for the things I still have…

 

[mainlanders_son]

This is an awful amount of trauma to endure in a short period of time. Life really likes to fist people over randomly.

 

[sugarandspice]

I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope things get better for you. Since you are a nurse, you help people daily and impact their lives in meaningful ways; you should remember that when you can. There are many people in the same field as you without any compassion, but you do and should be proud of yourself. I hope your life gets better.

 

[flightless bird]

i'm so sorry.

I was again in my friends house and we cooked together and I got a call from a female friend and was a little bit drunk and talked to her nearly 1/2 hour where my friend was still preparing food.. I know, not really nice, but I would never thought of happened next.. When I finished the call, we ate together and then he throw me out of his house, said he is seeing now what kind of a person I am and blocked me everywhere.

i don't think i fully understand this part, did he happen to overhear something during your phone call that wasn't meant for him to hear? otherwise a 30 minute chat with a girl shouldn't be such a huge deal.

 

[enjoy92]

This is an awful amount of trauma to endure in a short period of time. Life really likes to fist people over randomly.

It's especially hard if you were never prepared for trauma and had an easy life before.. Every day right now feels like pure pain and I don't know how long I can take this.. On the other hand I realized a few days ago that my survival instinct is unfortunately too big to really commit suicide, doesn't matter how much I fantasize about it, I couldn't do it..

Thanks for reading by the way..

i'm so sorry.

i don't think i fully understand this part, did he happen to overhear something during your phone call that wasn't meant for him to hear? otherwise a 30 minute chat with a girl shouldn't be such a huge deal.

I'm asking my self the same question everyday, I was a little drunk so I don't remember the whole conversation so good.. I just can explain it to myself like - he was there for me the lasts months, listened to all my shit every day and then I'm sitting in his house while we are together cooking, like give a fuck on him & and laugh with another person on a phone call.. Maybe he had enough of me and to deal with my shit when I don't even respect our time together and do different things that evening…

I wish he would have told me that in the middle of the call, tell me that my behavior sucks, or just tell me he had enough at the moment from me and my depressive state, but he really cut everything and blocked me..

Thanks for reading by the way

I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope things get better for you. Since you are a nurse, you help people daily and impact their lives in meaningful ways; you should remember that when you can. There are many people in the same field as you without any compassion, but you do and should be proud of yourself. I hope your life gets better.

I loved my job, I was good at my job, but at the moment I feel very exhausted from it, being the quiet nurse who just do his job and that's it. All the pleasure I had from my job is gone, since I had my girlfriend in that field too where I could talk daily about my patients and she fully understood it.. Missing those conversations..

Thanks for your kind word

 

[escape_from_hell]

Struggling with gratitude as well. It is much harder than made out to be when you are really in the pits.
The only thing left keeping me going is a morning cup of coffee no shit. I try and FEEL and FORCE the gratitude. I know I am so lucky to at least have that. I know there are evil corporate goons beating the living shit out of literal slaves in far-off lands to cultivate those coffee beans, they are suffering like fuck to make it possible. Just for a temporary dopamine spike for the privileged among us. And yet just a few sips of joy is all that's there. Milking gratitude itself feels inappropriate in a way?

"It could be worse, be grateful you fuck" is a mantra just going off over and over in my head. Just makes me feel absolutely guilty and awful.

Also lost a beautiful relationship and all friends during the COVID hysteria. Anhedonia for two years since.
However am a decade older than you. It's pretty much 0 hope to rebuild as it took my whole life to build to that point and health problems are now mounting.

You say you have at least one other good friend and supportive family. You have a job that can provide some sense of purpose and even patients that appreciate you.
Being as young as you are, you might be able to give it some time and heal from this. Was your other friend jealous of your phone conversation? Doesn't matter, it sounds like you have some semblance of social health remaining, acknowledging it took massive damage, and that can really help. When you are isolated for years and the only love you get is from letters on a screen on SaSu, you might wish you leveraged what little social standing you have now.

 

[enjoy92]

Struggling with gratitude as well. It is much harder than made out to be when you are really in the pits.
The only thing left keeping me going is a morning cup of coffee no shit. I try and FEEL and FORCE the gratitude. I know I am so lucky to at least have that. I know there are evil corporate goons beating the living shit out of literal slaves in far-off lands to cultivate those coffee beans, they are suffering like fuck to make it possible. Just for a temporary dopamine spike for the privileged among us. And yet just a few sips of joy is all that's there. Milking gratitude itself feels inappropriate in a way?

"It could be worse, be grateful you fuck" is a mantra just going off over and over in my head. Just makes me feel absolutely guilty and awful.

Also lost a beautiful relationship and all friends during the COVID hysteria. Anhedonia for two years since.
However am a decade older than you. It's pretty much 0 hope to rebuild as it took my whole life to build to that point and health problems are now mounting.

You say you have at least one other good friend and supportive family. You have a job that can provide some sense of purpose and even patients that appreciate you.
Being as young as you are, you might be able to give it some time and heal from this. Was your other friend jealous of your phone conversation? Doesn't matter, it sounds like you have some semblance of social health remaining, acknowledging it took massive damage, and that can really help. When you are isolated for years and the only love you get is from letters on a screen on SaSu, you might wish you leveraged what little social standing you have now.

You got some very good points my friend!

First, I think I'm an egoistic person, because like your coffee story, but the different story here is, I take it from people I know and you take the pleasure from strangers, I always take, take, take, the lasts months and don't give back what the people should receive.. But the worst thing is, I don't even feel bad, my therapist also told me I like the victim role - my story has done me so bad it's okay to take and be there for me and get everything I want from the people I love.. Also my therapist told me I don't even know REAL problems, yeah I know.. When everything started to feel bad I watched videos about people who got paralyzed or got physical illnesses, but even that don't lead me to be grateful enough.. also saw a video of a pretty boxer in Mexico who had a fight and the other boxer hit him illegally on the back of his head, since then he is a living vegetable, how fucking unfair? But still I feel like I'm the worst victim of the world

The worst part is, I have a friend who never got in a relationship, who lives at home at 34 and never got intense true real friendships, when I compare myself to him I should be grateful for all these wonderful experiences. But I'm not.. I play again the victim role and say: those people didn't had it, so they don't even have the horizon to miss and crave those things..

And yes, I feel awful, since compared to other people and problems, my problems are little… But that doesn't help unfortunately..

And yes mate, with your last chapter you got a point.. What's left should be more than enough to feel happy about.. One another best friend who even buyed a bicycle this weekend so we can go Mountainbiking, another good friends who I really see but can write anytime and understands me, my brother who earns good money and takes me to a holiday this summer and pays for everything, since I got money problems at the moment. Also when I lost my girlfriend I thought I will never find again a girl who likes me.. lol, there are plenty of girls who acts like they wanna be my savior after all I went through, so shouldn't that shit be enough to be grateful for what I still have.. my brain sucks dude!

Really appreciate your answer mate :)