Guys, i think I'm forgetting why I want to kill/hurt myself.

[Minas]

I don't even know why i feel this way anymore, it comes as naturally as the instinct to eat or breed. Is this a bad sign? What if in a few years I'll completly forget what even happened to turn me this way?

I don't fully understand why i want to ruin my own body and splatter my brains, I just feel like it will be "correct", feel like progress, and hopefully make me feel happy. It's less of a "solution" now and more of a desire.

And if i'm slowly finding these urges more and more normal, what if whatever is convincing me not to do it doesn't feels effective anymore? If the pleas of the only person who truly loves me start feeling like lies, or just... nothing at all.

There are already times i admit to her that I'm not feeling anything when she treats me "like i should be treated". It feels like if i go through with more pain, I'll feel more.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

I'm no expert, but from my experience, this happens, because you normalise it in your mind over time, and it gives you something else to focus on - rather than the actual issue

I can relate to this though

Probably time to find something else to distract yourself with - and this could be anything.

Baby steps are important. Very, very slow, and gradual. No point running before you can walk

It can get better, but it's about trying hard, not beating yourself up when you fall, and recognising it's OK to have a really fucking shit day (literally everyone does).

 

[Minas]

It's very, very hard for me to not go crazy with a shitty day, as I immediately take that as a proof that i am punished for being alive, you know? And it would be "correct" to kill myself.

Seriously, what says a shitty day, or a bunch of them in a row, isn't defintive proof the universe is punishing me for being born?

 

[lostintheblackhole]

I got like this for a while but if you are mentally determined to get out of it, you can. I romanticized death as an escape from my problems for years and eventually, it just trained my mind to rely on it about anything. I just wanted to die and when someone would ask me why, I'd just say, "I don't know, I just do". I started to realize that I truly had no reason to die, that I had good things and good people around me that wouldn't want me dead. I changed up my daily schedule some, started to pursue old hobbies and discover new ones, and many other things. I had to find a new perspective on life. Doesn't mean I'm happy per say but I'm content with how I am during this moment of my life.

You don't have to understand what makes you feel this way, the awareness that you do is all you need to start taking steps towards something different. Step outside of your comfort zone and start to rediscover yourself or maybe even discover a version of you that you never knew was there. Take your time and enjoy the journey along the way. Remember, mindset is a huge factor in everything. Work on training your brain on a different, more positive way of thinking. You got this, one step at a time.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i cant speak for your specific situation, but i know for me ive forgotten because i have too many reasons "wh..what was my current problem again? nvm it cycled! heres a new one!"

 

[Minas]

I got like this for a while but if you are mentally determined to get out of it, you can. I romanticized death as an escape from my problems for years and eventually, it just trained my mind to rely on it about anything. I just wanted to die and when someone would ask me why, I'd just say, "I don't know, I just do". I started to realize that I truly had no reason to die, that I had good things and good people around me that wouldn't want me dead. I changed up my daily schedule some, started to pursue old hobbies and discover new ones, and many other things. I had to find a new perspective on life. Doesn't mean I'm happy per say but I'm content with how I am during this moment of my life.

You don't have to understand what makes you feel this way, the awareness that you do is all you need to start taking steps towards something different. Step outside of your comfort zone and start to rediscover yourself or maybe even discover a version of you that you never knew was there. Take your time and enjoy the journey along the way. Remember, mindset is a huge factor in everything. Work on training your brain on a different, more positive way of thinking. You got this, one step at a time.

Thank you, I'll be sure to remember that

 

[fleetingnight]

A lot of people are comforted by routine. Especially when you're feeling stressed, you might want to go back to what's familiar, even subconsciously. It feels like the future is more predictable that way, so less frightening. That may or may not be the reason, but I know it's part of it for me

 

[sisyphus_]

This better be discussed in depth with a psychiatrist, and if you don't click with one don't settle and keep looking until you find one who's good for you, never underestimate the efficiency of professional intervention.
I know this seems obvious but I'm just saying since my psychiatrist helped me a lot and I wish the best for you.