Guys, I Dont Want To Live But I Dont Think I Can CTB

[Of The Universe]

I guess,like Leaving Forever,I just wanted to share my thoughts. This post is worthless and accomplished nothing.
Life is over,its no good,its shit,and the future is bleak. Yet I can't do what I should,which is ctb. I'm stuck here.
Fuck.

 

[Chiisai]

I guess,like Leaving Forever,I just wanted to share my thoughts. This post is worthless and accomplished nothing.
Life is over,its no good,its shit,and the future is bleak. Yet I can't do what I should,which is ctb. I'm stuck here.
Fuck.

I feel you. I have lost my drive too. It is becoming a lot more depressing when you know youre just wasting away everyday at a very slow pace. I just wish I could just get this over with.

 

[ghostunderthelight]

I feel the same. I've grown to constantly want death, yet I am too afraid to ctb myself. If I could have someone kill me, that would be better than having to do it myself. SI is a bitch.

 

[Hollowman]

I've been in limbo for most of the last three decades, fucking SI let me die.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

Me too I'm scared I been depressive 14 years lost the will YEARS ago and really lost it 6 years ago. I wish I knew how to execute it years ago when I felt the pain to execute my plan in my teens

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand how you feel, I have never wanted to be alive and my life is just misery and suffering. More than anything I wish it was easier to escape this life, but it is just so difficult to leave. I am held back by the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failure. It can be awful being stuck in this world when you do not want to be here, I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best.

 

[LoneMisery]

Im scared as well. Scared of failing and tbh i dont want the few people who really do care about me to be hurt. Its definitely a huge part why i havent yet. But at the same time im slowly wasting days away too. Everybody just wants you ok but we'll never be. Its such a difficult roller coaster to ride.

 

[Of The Universe]

Just updating my situation. Been trying to upgrade meself,buying some clothes, some nutrients( is fenugreek good?)and trying to clean and organize.
I think it makes me feel better cuz it distracts me from the dread I feel towards living.
I think I need to ctb,but its scary and I don't want to be nothing.

 

[Danny942]

I don't want to be nothing

If it helps any, most of the world believes in some sort of afterlife, so good odds you won't be nothing.

 

[deleted]

I'm also stuck in this shit I would love to have a shotgun or something that in 1 second would kill me, N is also interesting but you understand me, despite having money and SN I'm still here, I can't believe I'll have to starve again like it was in my adolescence for me to build up courage and kill myself... I'm just vegetating wishing for the end of the world

 

[NoLightRemains]

Im scared as well. Scared of failing and tbh i dont want the few people who really do care about me to be hurt. Its definitely a huge part why i havent yet. But at the same time im slowly wasting days away too. Everybody just wants you ok but we'll never be. Its such a difficult roller coaster to ride.

I feel this. I'm scared of hurting the people closest to me, because I know just how much trauma it causes. But there is no internal will to live and it feels like I'm hardly alive.

 

[Graytaichi]

If u cant ctb and still have hope, find some purpose in life , take your time , no rushing.

 

[LoneMisery]

I feel this. I'm scared of hurting the people closest to me, because I know just how much trauma it causes. But there is no internal will to live and it feels like I'm hardly alive.

I kno it makes me hold back and continue my misery but then again the ones i stay around for dont want to listen to me just keep saying help myself. I cant thats why im coming to them. Maybe them saying that means i should just re write my letter and explain how hurt i am and how helpless i am for myself. That i cant do it anymore. I know no skill nor is anybody willing to teach me cuz im in my 30s.
My main goal is to be able to leave my family's house and live on my own and i would never talk to them again cuz they only care about me living for their own sake and happiness

 

[Siterfau]

Yup. And then you try to actually get better but all you do is remind yourself of why you wanted to CTB in the first place .

 

[BurnBurnBurn]

There's no shame in it, the SI is one hell of an obstacle to overcome

 

[jimmy7754]

I feel you. I have lost my drive too. It is becoming a lot more depressing when you know youre just wasting away everyday at a very slow pace. I just wish I could just get this over with.

That's the worse feeling for me..

 

[Blacklight]

I feel the same. I've grown to constantly want death, yet I am too afraid to ctb myself. If I could have someone kill me, that would be better than having to do it myself. SI is a bitch.

In a perfect world, someone would murder me. Would make it a lot easier on my family that way too.

 

[hopelessgirl]

Just updating my situation. Been trying to upgrade meself,buying some clothes, some nutrients( is fenugreek good?)and trying to clean and organize.
I think it makes me feel better cuz it distracts me from the dread I feel towards living.
I think I need to ctb,but its scary and I don't want to be nothing.

Like Jordan Peterson said "clean your room before you criticize the world". I think it's a good start. I'm trying to do the same thing. Having it nice and clean around me at least and having Nice clothes. Some scented candles even.
Yes ctb is scary, but remember that you choose if and when you do it. The power is in your hands and you're always in control of it. Death itself is not scary, because it's literally nothing :-)

 

[Chiisai]

That's the worse feeling for me..

Right? Everytime I fall asleep, Im wishing its psychogenic death but somehow, I keep having dreams and my dreams are more real and vivid than my waking life. I was hoping my sleep would be peaceful but instead it was exciting and fun. It makes me want to CTB soon just to avoid waking up. Sadly, I dont want to feel anymore pain even though its ironic because Im barely hanging on in my waking life.

 

[hopelessgirl]

Right? Everytime I fall asleep, Im wishing its psychogenic death but somehow, I keep having dreams and my dreams are more real and vivid than my waking life. I was hoping my sleep would be peaceful but instead it was exciting and fun. It makes me want to CTB soon just to avoid waking up. Sadly, I dont want to feel anymore pain even though its ironic because Im barely hanging on in my waking life.

This exact thing is happening to me as well: my dreams seem more real than life :-O what do you think it means? That life really really sucks?

 

[Chiisai]

This exact thing is happening to me as well: my, dreams seem more real than life :-O what do you think it means? That life really really sucks?

Basing on factual science, its the subconscious materializing your desires through a made up scenario with templates or pieces of your memories. However, there have been theories about multiple realities/multidimension. Im leaning on the latter. Got nothing to lose anymore and honestly, it sounds fun.