Discussion Guilt surrounding ctb

[BoyWhoTripped]

Hello, this is my first time posting a thread on here, I've been lurking for a long time too nervous to post anything. Nice to meet you all, and I hope this is ok to post.

I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced an immense feeling of guilt leading up to ctb? I don't need a solution if you don't have one, I just want to know if anyone else has felt this.

I know if I succeed in ctb, I'll probably never know how the people around me now will react to it, but I still feel so much guilt knowing I'm going to hurt the few people that do care about me. I have this imagery in my head of my parents and siblings upset and crying after finding out I'm dead, and it has stopped me from going through with my plans in the past. Guilt has been a close friend of mine since I was young, but I didn't expect it to show up like this. I know the people in my life would be better off without me, but I also know they'll be sad, and hurt, and I don't want that. I just wish my existence could be forgotten.

 

[pretentioussuika]

I've been wanting it for so long, things have always and only gotten worse and worse and worse. I have nobody there for me, but even if i did, the ultimate fact is that none of that is going to matter to me if I'm dead. That takes a while to sink in, but suffice to say it has sufficiently sunk for me.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hi! Feel free to post and express how you are feeling, this is a safe space for that :)

And to your question, Yes. Guilt is very common from what I've seen here. Lot's of people have expressed that. I don't have a solution I could give you either. It's just a human emotion that shows you care for others, even while going through that much pain.

Personally, guilt has kept me alive thus far. But like you say it does little to alleviate the desire to die, if anything it adds more weight and suffering to it. It's both a lifejacket and a chokehold, an anchor to life you sometimes wish you could get rid of and a painful reminder of your humanity. It's love that hurts, and its pushback. I'm just getting silly poetic there but I hope you know what I mean.

I also often wish I could just be forgotten, but we have to live with that imposibility. Guilt is not a good friend, it hurts, but it also speaks truth. It can help a little once you realize it is the brain reaction to the love you have for those around you. The bigger it is the more it'll hurt. It's a good meter for that, and It may led you to cherish them a bit more while you can. It helped me like that, but it is still a daily struggle. So I feel you.
Whatever you do I can only hope it gets a little easier to deal with it. Lots of hugs at ya <333