Sometimes I feel less hopeless and certain I need to die, like yesterday. I think it's when I take my ADHD meds for the first time after a while, they make me feel more energized. Or, it's when I am able to talk to someone who makes me feel a bit better. But then I fall right back into this dark hole of hopelessness, numbness and apathy for weeks, usually. It feels inevitable to return to that state, and a nearly impossible effort to pull out of it even for a short time.
Right now I feel absolutely horrible, intense guilt and shame for being so lazy and dysfunctional and literally ignoring all my responsibilities. Like all my problems are my own fault. I don't understand how everyone around me is able to function so well - even though I used to, too, on the outside but was always secretly a chaotic mess. Now I just feel like such a failure. There's so much dread and anxiety that feels unbearable. Soon this will probably be followed by apathy and lethargy when my brain decides it's less painful to not feel anything.
I feel like my brain is not wired to be functional in the world and the need to get out is unbearable. Like I don't want to be here anymore even a little bit, I don't even want to "get better". I have no interest in existing outside of not wanting to hurt my family. I live in America, so I think I want to ctb with a gun because it seems the most reliable even though it's somewhat scary. I really don't want to hurt my parents, though. Like my friends would get over it quickly, but my parents would be in so much pain for so long. I'm so incredibly conflicted and don't know what to do, and it's so painful in a way I can't really describe.
Right now I feel absolutely horrible, intense guilt and shame for being so lazy and dysfunctional and literally ignoring all my responsibilities. Like all my problems are my own fault. I don't understand how everyone around me is able to function so well - even though I used to, too, on the outside but was always secretly a chaotic mess. Now I just feel like such a failure. There's so much dread and anxiety that feels unbearable. Soon this will probably be followed by apathy and lethargy when my brain decides it's less painful to not feel anything.
I feel like my brain is not wired to be functional in the world and the need to get out is unbearable. Like I don't want to be here anymore even a little bit, I don't even want to "get better". I have no interest in existing outside of not wanting to hurt my family. I live in America, so I think I want to ctb with a gun because it seems the most reliable even though it's somewhat scary. I really don't want to hurt my parents, though. Like my friends would get over it quickly, but my parents would be in so much pain for so long. I'm so incredibly conflicted and don't know what to do, and it's so painful in a way I can't really describe.
