Guilt is gone

[lkjhgfdsa1]

I kept feeling guilty to my family (especially mom) for wanting to ctb.

last week I tried to ctb multiple times, but every time SI took me over… the fear of failure and guilt to my mom was too big.

So, I felt like I had to make myself "more ready" for CTB— so I rewrote my goodbye letters and spent the entire weekend with my mom, going to the woods, taking walks and talking

but all I could think about the entire time was CTB and I was also reminded of why I want to CTB in the first place … (the more time I spent with my mom lol)

The guilt I once felt has slowly been fading over the last weekend

I mean, of course my mom does not want to bury her own daughter and she is trying to make me feel better but she is doing an awful job (although it's not her job— nothing can make me feel better except death)

but honestly I am so fucking miserable living in her house again and being completely dependent on her (I'm NEET and not ready to be independent/in society anyways)

Anyways, after this weekend I feel like I'm closer to saying goodbye to this world

 

[lizzywizzy09]

They can care about us, and they will be sad to lose us. But ultimately, they cannot know our pain. We're the ones who have to live in our own minds and bodies. <3

 

[jiaaa_02]

I kept feeling guilty to my family (especially mom) for wanting to ctb.

last week I tried to ctb multiple times, but every time SI took me over… the fear of failure and guilt to my mom was too big.

So, I felt like I had to make myself "more ready" for CTB— so I rewrote my goodbye letters and spent the entire weekend with my mom, going to the woods, taking walks and talking

but all I could think about the entire time was CTB and I was also reminded of why I want to CTB in the first place … (the more time I spent with my mom lol)

The guilt I once felt has slowly been fading over the last weekend

I mean, of course my mom does not want to bury her own daughter and she is trying to make me feel better but she is doing an awful job (although it's not her job— nothing can make me feel better except death)

but honestly I am so fucking miserable living in her house again and being completely dependent on her (I'm NEET and not ready to be independent/in society anyways)

Anyways, after this weekend I feel like I'm closer to saying goodbye to this world

Hi dear, I completely understand this feeling. Even now I feel the same. I think what can help is perhaps writing a letter, whether as an email scheduled to be sent in the future or a handwritten one, that can help your loved ones cope. Thinking back on friends and family who have left my life via ctb, I think the part that I never knew their struggles and what they were feeling in their last moments haunted me. I know I'm not entitled but if there had been some words, some diary, some email, some letter etc., it may have been much easier to process. I would try to make my exit as smooth as possible, such as selling possessions to get in some cash to help out our loved ones, leave behind a small memento for them to remember us in our most beautiful moments by, pictures etc. then the grieving process may be a little bit more peaceful. I want to let my loved ones know that I truly loved them and was at peace. These are my two cents, but this really depends on your relationship with the ones you feel guilty about and what kind of effort you'd like to put in in your last days. I give you all my love dear, I wish nothing but peace or you, whether that's in life or in death.

 

[ADBoy777]

I feel it. My mom is the only reason I kept hesitating about committing for years. Couldn't imagine her sadness when she hear about it I know it would break her and it makes it so difficult for me

 

[nozomu]

I feel like when I lost that guilt is when my suicide began. I lost a piece of my humanity when I finally lost the guilt, and could make attempts.