Guilt is driving me to suicide

[gu1klh]

I feel like I'm about to go insane and then do it. I broke up with my boyfriend three weeks ago. It was alright, I didn't want us to get back together, it didn't seem like he wanted it either. The first couple days I felt really sad, after that I had a small conversation with him in which he said he needs time to think about everything again. I gave him that time. After that he said that we are done and that was okay for me. I got used to being alone and wasn't even sad or anything. I was happy that I got away from him because the relationship got toxic towards the end. I started talking to guys, without interest, just because it happened. My hobby is cars, the car community consists mostly of guys, it just happened. Yes, they flirted with me but I didn't do anything back. I wasn't interested in anyone and didn't want a relationship. And I made that clear with people online. There was this one classmate who also tried and I just let him because it was very entertaining and he does that with all of them. It was really just funny and I would have never let him get any more than a friend, not even that honestly.

After another week, my boyfriend reached out because he wasn't feeling good and wanted to talk again. We talked and decided that we would try again but had to meet in person again to discuss everything. I kept talking to my new friends and people because again, I didn't have any interest.

Yesterday we met, and he told me that it was not okay of me to talk to others. I told him that we weren't together during that time and that he has no right to complain because he could have done the same if he wanted. I wasn't interest in relationships, I just wanted distraction.

He is just hurt because of me and my actions and I feel like the worst human on earth. I'm thinking about ending it all, also my life. I can't deal with all this guilt and all this blood on my hands for doing something I didn't think will end like this. I wanna end myself, but I got goals and dreams. Thinking about it makes me cry, I don't want to die. But I also don't want to keep living.

I feel so sorry and wish I could change everything.

 

[Sleeper System]

Silly human. Making mistakes is part of existing. Feelings come and go. What feels like the end of the world today might be a pleasant day tomorrow. Relationships are tough. Sounds like you don't know what you want.

 

[FallingGrace]

This story went from maybe a 5 to 100 real quick. I don't see where blood was shed anywhere so I don't know how it got on your hands. No dick is worth death. He's being dumb, immature and honestly, abusive. If you genuinely enjoy life, have goals, dreams and aspiration, aim for them. Don't be made to feel guilt by some stupid little boy. Remember, dick is abundant and low value. Bin the boy, not yourself

 

[gotomrg]

he felt like the relationship wasn't really over and considers it cheating, basically. you dont. and its okay. you weren't together after all. talk to him. validate his feelings, because he really is hurt, but don't blame yourself too much. you couldn't know.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

So what did you do that was wrong? It sounds like he's the problem here, not you. You should cut yourself off from that dude. He doesn't sound like great person to be wasting your energy on.

 

[CC123]

he told me that it was not okay of me to talk to others

He is a control freak and manipulative
run away
be glad he showed his true colors
give yourself some time
he is not worth your time
thank you for sharing

 

[dragalia_xp]

The guy is clearly going through his own issues, and it is best he takes time to resolve them. You shouldn't have to nor feel the need to suffer the consequences of his actions. If you two were apart, you two were apart! You can talk to whoever you want. It's easier said than done, but the sooner you move on the better.

 

[gu1klh]

Silly human. Making mistakes is part of existing. Feelings come and go. What feels like the end of the world today might be a pleasant day tomorrow. Relationships are tough. Sounds like you don't know what you want.

I definitely don't know what I actually want. I like the thought of being a silly human though

 

[dreamingofrest]

Yeah, I'm going to second everyone else here who's saying that you did nothing wrong and your boyfriend seems manipulative and controlling. You shouldn't have to force yourself to be in a relationship it sounds like you're not sure you really want, especially with someone who does not treat you with enough respect and kindness.

 

[gu1klh]

he felt like the relationship wasn't really over and considers it cheating, basically. you dont. and its okay. you weren't together after all. talk to him. validate his feelings, because he really is hurt, but don't blame yourself too much. you couldn't know.

He's blaming me and telling me that I hurt him and yeah, basically cheated on him. But he also isn't fully allowing me to feel bad and doesn't want to hear the argument "We weren't together". We definitely did break up, like it was clear that it was a break up. Just because he had interest and didn't show it doesn't mean that I did something wrong. I tried talking to him and I'm still talking to him but he is just hurt and doesn't even let me like explain myself or tries to understand me. He just thinks that he is right and thinks that I don't understand him

Yeah, I'm going to second everyone else here who's saying that you did nothing wrong and your boyfriend seems manipulative and controlling. You shouldn't have to force yourself to be in a relationship it sounds like you don't really want, especially with someone who does treat you with respect and kindness.

I'd love a relationship with him, he is a cool and awesome person but it's moments like these that make me rethink it all. I don't want to feel guilty for something that wasn't even wrong from my side. I just feel like I did nothing and am still the bad person

 

[Sleeper System]

I definitely don't know what I actually want. I like the thought of being a silly human though

Go with the flow until the flow dont go. >_>

 

[gu1klh]

Go with the flow until the flow dont go. >_>

and what do I do once the flow don't go anymore?

 

[Sleeper System]

and what do I do once the flow dont go

Time to start looking for ways to die I guess.

 

[tidal1]

Although I have other issues, I'll most likely off myself because of a guy. In this scenario though, it sounds like you have such a bright life ahead of you. You have goals, dreams, aspirations. Follow through on those and do yourself a service!!