Discussion "Guilt" and some Fear about CTB

[jeevasO-o]

Hey SS,

Just wanted to ask, how do you usually handle feelings of guilt when you're thinking about the idea of CTB? I wouldn't say I feel guilty exactly, but I do hesitate about leaving everything behind. The main reason I'm holding on right now is because of an online friend/crush, even though we haven't spoken in a month. Also I'm somewhat scared of not existing anymore.

I'm not planning to go through with CTB immediately, but I honestly am sure I will eventually, just not right now. I want to CTB, only when I'm absolutely sure about it.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Does anyone have some advice how to deal with that?

 

[SufferingDev]

Well, there is this general opinion that "suicide is an act of selfishness" - but, who is really selfish here?

You: You are suffering, you know you cannot take it anymore, you want to end this because you know staying alive will only be hurting you.

Others: They think that THEY will suffer if you do it - but do they think that they actually just want to keep you suffering?

Yes, I would suffer if my best friend would CTB - but...what is the alternative? Should I keep him in his suffering ONLY because I want him to be around? What friend am I if I would force him to all of these just because I want it.

Living everything behind is hard - that's why if I were to CTB (which maybe Ill be planning on doing) - I will just destroy my life in every way possible that includes loose my job, destroy every posessions, lose all money, make everyone (including friends) hate me - from my experience of previous attempts - that seems like the only option to allow me to take the decission.

 

[RyleIsRiledUp]

Been there, gone thru it, even tried it. I tell you, sugarplum. It's not worth it. First of all, I'm so sorry that you have to feel this way. I dunno what's going on in your life but i just wanna say, if you've made it this far, you're like batshit crazy strong. Give yourself some credit there.
Second, abt ctb... I won't foce you or anything but just ell you my experience and sm others' i've heard of.

Most of us who have tried to ctb regret it. Most survivors I've met say they regretted it once they went thru with it. Chances of dying frm ctb methods are really really low. If anything, there are more chances of you not dying and gettinf disabled i.e. suffering more. It's not worth the risk really. I tried to Od, once the effect kicked in I got so scared and panicked abt it. I tried to do it before school but time management was cooked so i was at school when the effects kicked in (i was so worried the whole time). my teachers took me to the nearest hospital and lemme tell you, it was a nightmare. I was scared af. soon I was suspended frm school for like 4 months and police got involved (my family managed to make an excuse to get em to back off).

Then I got pneumonia too (im really cooked health wise). I was like in a 'prolly will die' stage. i used to always like "i want it to end. i want out. this is not it." but when i was there in the hospital bed. I was bawling my ass out cuz i was so scared i was gonna die. I had to call my therapist to my room for emergency therapy (i was admitted in the same hospital where she works). It's scary; death i mean.

Ik it's hard to fight those demons off but ctb is a sucky option in my opinion. Most regret it. I do too. You can start slow. Is there anything you currently do to help yourself? I usually listen to music and try to go to sleep. if that doesnt work, I keep a notebook where I vent out my feelings. You can start it too. It can be messy, weird, crazy even. It helps get things off ye chest at times.

Also, I hope you the best. Please take care. The decision is yours.
I believe in you and I hope it gets better for you.
<3

 

[outofthisworld2]

Most of us who have tried to ctb regret it. Most survivors I've met say they regretted it once they went thru with it.

Tbh, the only thing I regret from my past attempts is failing at them…

 

[SufferingDev]

To comment on two posts above - I want to explictly state - that CTB is YOUR choice - and what I wrote was about the guilt - not whether you should do it or not. I will not encourage anyone to do anything because I believe only one can take such decission on himself.

 

[RyleIsRiledUp]

Tbh, the only thing I regret from my past attempts is failing at them…

Aww, honey... :(
I'm so sorry you feel this way... How are you right now though...?