GloomySunday79
GloomySunday
- Sep 14, 2018
- 20
I think that I always had a sadness. I remember my thoughts from Kindergarten and throughout my school years and I always felt sad and less then everyone else. My mom was stressed, depressed (and who knows, maybe even suicidal) while pregnant with me. I was the result of an affair and she worried about everything. I sometimes wonder if her having these feelings while I was in the womb caused some of my suicidal feelings now and deep depression. She has even confessed to me that she thinks it has effected me. My need to be wanted led me to some abusive relationships and was married to a womanizer. I think maybe I write this to try to even make sense of it to myself. My young self was very submissive and naive. Seems I was in a constant relationship from the ages of 18-32. I was very attractive but didn't know it. Now I've gained weight, lost all hope of having someone that will love me. I'm 38 almost 39. I'm an animal rights activist and the things humans do to animals and the earth really make me want to not be apart of this world. I'm lonely and scared. I tried overdosing on 40 ambien 3 years ago. I woke up angry and confused in the ICU. I had a roommate that wasn't supposed to be home that night but he found me. Nothing ever made me realize if I ever try to kill myself I better succeed the next time because everyone at the hospital treats you like shit when you fail. I tried about 6 different antidepressants (not at the same time) all just made me feel detached and numb but never better. I tried natural remedies. I tried diet, exercise, yoga. My depression has only worsened. I fell guilty for my depression and it caused me to push family away because none of them understand it. I push friends and coworkers away. I function enough to get a pay check because I have to but then I come home and just sleep. Sometimes I have crazy horrible nightmares. I have pets and that is the only reason I haven't done IT yet but sometimes think of taking them with me. I know how cruel this world is and how animals are treated especially bad. My mom is 75 years old and she is really the last human that cares if I live or die. I have really considered sealing myself and my pets in my bathroom and having 2 charcoal grills. I won't right now but I get worse it seems daily.
