Venting Guilt about wanting to die and suicide being my only real "purpose" in life

[porteduniform10]

I've always been afraid of trying to end my life, because I think it'll always be painful, or maybe I'll fail in attempting it and I'm gonna screw my existence even further, there's always something stoping me, I'm sick of feeling forever attached to life

It's not even out of spite, I don't necessarily hate life itself,. I'm just completely tired, depleted, unmotivated, stuck and I don't see any enjoyable future for myself

I believe there's nothing I wouldn't give for the 100% sure and certain chance of dying and finally being in peace, but here's where the other situation comes

I end up feeling guilty for wanting to die so badly, I've seen a lot of people in my life with such sad and depressing outcomes, that I think they're having it way worse than me, and they do, and they're still here, I don't feel deserving of suicide, because I always see those people who have more adverse circumstances, or far worse problems than mine, and I can't justify my desire to end my life

I have come to the conclusion that it would require an actual act of God or a miracle to put my life back to a sure, safe and enjoyable state, that I don't even know if I ever experienced in the past to begin with

Even worse is, that my biggest purpose on life, is to actually just go ahead with suicide, my biggest fantasy is being at peace through death, I'm so sensitive and useless for this kind of world, that I think I'm only left with regrets, things I wish I had donde, experiences, people I kinda wish I had given myself the chance to meet, places to see beyond my hometown

And, I really don't want to think that this is my only purpose, but I hope to either be okay with living, and learning about happiness in living, or just seing the day where I can post my final message here knowing that my life will end for sure by my own means, and all unnecessary suffering will be over. Simply put, I wish, wholeheartedly, to die.

 

[No More Tears]

I used to feel guilty about wanting to do suicide and then worry about hurting people by doing it. After years of being treated like shit, kicked around like shit, and stabbed in the back, I no longer have those guilty feelings. Because people have proved to me how they really feel.

I used to have a normal life, but in one single day, I lost everything, my life shattered, and since then it's been all downhill.