Venting Growing up

[Fly🦋]

I remember when I was a little girl. I tear up just at the thought, jesus. I was so happy, so carefree, so oblivious. Nothing could touch me, all the evil was kept far abay, evil I couldn't even phantom. My parents were my knights in shining armor and had wonderful childhood friendships. However, I grew the fuck up I suppose. I'm constantly in a morbid mood. The only reason i'm still here to this day is because of my religion that im slowly starting to lose grip of just by being on this site and my "habit" I indulge in constantly. I'm a user. Of nothing too crazy but that's really only because i haven't had the opportunity. I do the occasional xans and a shit ton of marijuana and shrooms (wanna try lsd and that cactus shit or whatever one day). These substances and my baby sister is the only thing that keeps me going. We have a huge age gap but she feels almost like a child to me. She reminds me of my happy days and everytime i look at her i remember me holding her in the hospital. She is absolutely wonderful, she even said she would be my valentine so of course i cant ctb until after my date lmao. However this makes me feel ungrateful and highly selfish to want to end my life when i should have all that I need. This also makes me feel like i'm a bad christian which I probably am anyways considering I indulge in illegal substances and prefer a specific gender but I just felt like writing something yk? I am working on a plan which I'll probably post later under the prefix method but this is all I suppose.

 

[Rainy_days]

I really hope you don't hate yourself for being gay. There are so many real crimes and abuses in this world that people should hate themselves for. It's such a shame that being attracted to "the wrong gender" is inflated to such importance and loaded with so much hatred and judgement. You aren't hurting anyone just by being attracted to whatever gender.

Likewise with drug addiction, please don't turn it into "I'm a bad person" when it is merely a treatable condition. Seek help for it from people who don't treat it as a moral failing for them to judge.

 

[Fly🦋]

I really hope you don't hate yourself for being gay. There are so many real crimes and abuses in this world that people should hate themselves for. It's such a shame that being attracted to "the wrong gender" is inflated to such importance and loaded with so much hatred and judgement. You aren't hurting anyone just by being attracted to whatever gender.

Likewise with drug addiction, please don't turn it into "I'm a bad person" when it is merely a treatable condition. Seek help for it from people who don't treat it as a moral failing for them to judge.

You're a kind person truly. I dont hate myself for being gay but I wished it wouldn't pose as a problem to my religion and family. My drug addiction is another thing. I feel absolutely horrible and guilty about it considering my biological parents were addicts as well. I want to stop but it's almost like what would i do to survive then. They keep me from seeing the dark truth of reality, a distraction really.

 

[Rainy_days]

You're a kind person truly. I dont hate myself for being gay but I wished it wouldn't pose as a problem to my religion and family. My drug addiction is another thing. I feel absolutely horrible and guilty about it considering my biological parents were addicts as well. I want to stop but it's almost like what would i do to survive then. They keep me from seeing the dark truth of reality, a distraction really.

I don't know what addiction treatment is like but I would assume that everyone has to deal with those questions... might be worth at least trying before ending your life. I think the fact that your parents were addicts makes you less guilty, because we all copy the patterns of what we see as children. Anyway sorry for all the unsolicited advice but I just think you don't deserve to feel bad and guilty based on those things...

 

[Fly🦋]

I don't know what addiction treatment is like but I would assume that everyone has to deal with those questions... might be worth at least trying before ending your life. I think the fact that your parents were addicts makes you less guilty, because we all copy the patterns of what we see as children. Anyway sorry for all the unsolicited advice but I just think you don't deserve to feel bad and guilty based on those things...

No, don't apologize! i made the thread for advice and my own peace, it's like writing in a journal for me except i receive different perceptions and ideas. And to clarify, i don't like to think my parents were good people and i simply just don't want to be like them in any way if that makes sense. Also you're right about the addiction questions... if only I didn't try marijuana for the first time i wouldn't have opened myself up to become addicted to other substances in the first place lmao.

 

[Rainy_days]

No, don't apologize! i made the thread for advice and my own peace, it's like writing in a journal for me except i receive different perceptions and ideas. And to clarify, i don't like to think my parents were good people and i simply just don't want to be like them in any way if that makes sense. Also you're right about the addiction questions... if only I didn't try marijuana for the first time i wouldn't have opened myself up to become addicted to other substances in the first place lmao.

Yes that makes sense... sorry that you had to grow up that way. I guess try remember to have compassion for yourself and perhaps for your parents as well... I don't think anyone wants to become an addict, but life can be really shitty and we're all trying to cope in our own ways. I hope you can pull through for your and your little sister's sake, sounds like you guys have a real special relationship. I have an older sister too who I still look up to in some ways even though we are both adults now.

 

[Fly🦋]

Yes that makes sense... sorry that you had to grow up that way. I guess try remember to have compassion for yourself and perhaps for your parents as well... I don't think anyone wants to become an addict, but life can be really shitty and we're all trying to cope in our own ways. I hope you can pull through for your and your little sister's sake, sounds like you guys have a real special relationship. I have an older sister too who I still look up to in some ways even though we are both adults now.

thank you for your kind words and your sister sounds wonderful :)

 

[DaatiSimi]

I think that as long as you can be a functional addict and you are not hurting anyone else, do whatever you need to to help you cope with life.

You sound so young. I am all pro death but I hope you reconsider, it sounds that you could really enjoy this world.

I am also a deep believer, I am an orthodox Jew

I also hope you get to try Ayahuasca

 

[Fly🦋]

I think that as long as you can be a functional addict and you are not hurting anyone else, do whatever you need to to help you cope with life.

You sound so young. I am all pro death but I hope you reconsider, it sounds that you could really enjoy this world.

I am also a deep believer, I am an orthodox Jew

I also hope you get to try Ayahuasca

you're so kind and yes I am pretty young. I'm 22 and have dealt with depression for the last 12 years lmao. You make me feel hopeful somehow and I thank you for that also yeah I hope I get to try it too :)