Rugnificent
Tree
- Jul 3, 2019
- 36
To preface I decided to give all I had for one year. My estimated ctb date is still on, but I still have half a year to go.
It all started in late November. My first actual job. I started working at Walmart and it S U C K E D. I felt like garbage working in the deli having to interact with customers and such. The pay and extrodinarily cheap college was the only thing that made it worth it.
Around early December though something completely weird happened. I started talking to an old childhood friend (also my first childhood gf). She is practically like me in a lot of ways, especially how we feel inside. But I didn't realize what problems could come from dating a "me"
We got to talking and before I knew it we were dating. I havent felt what I felt in a long while. It was like breathing in a fresh breath. Talking to her was hard because she's been througha lot, she had and has a lot of pain. Just I'm terrible at putting on supportive mode for people for extended periods of time. After a few weeks of messaging I drove to go get her (1hr drive) and we hooked up. Just I couldn't "get it up" and that fucking B I G H U R T E D. Same thing in the morning when we woke up. That's when things started to go off. After I'd say two weeks I did the dumbest thing. I got blackout drunk and vomited just pure verbal abuse. I told her to leave me and she was replaceable but also telling her she was the most important thing to me. I understand that drunk me wanted her to be with someone who can allow her to grow, but NOT like that. I was so fuckung disgusted when she told me in the morning. It was rocky until early February until B R E A K (thanks for not waiting till Valentine's day). I was beyond heartbroken, I even quit my job. For some reason though. I found I could get back up on my feet. Then I realised that she had given me something no other person has in my life. Strength. I've had hope, love, even materialistics. Never has someone made me feel like I could do something. Ill for sure give her one last apology. At this point i figured nowhere but up right? Well...
Mid March, My besties bday. We got the boys together to have drinks and chill at the lake. I was looking forward to it except for one thing, my old love interest (who we'll call W). Now W is something different. A pure heart who would do anything to protect the ones he loves. He was the first person in school to not only be there for me, but do anything for me. His hug felt like I'd taken a microdose of mdma. Just one glaring problem S T R A I G H T. That's really the only reason I've never showed actual interest to him. Well fast forward my buddy is too drunk and crying on the ground so me and a few of the boys get him into W's car and since my bud wanted me to go with him I had to. On the way to the house I said stupid drunk things, nothing too bad. After he leaves me and my buds dad start drinking. I dont even know what happened, but I was kicked out. I almost walked home without shoes.. After that night i realised I was making no actual progress. I knew I had to change battle tactics, and i did, even started working at my moms restaurant. But that's when "he" sunk his claws into me
One of my biggest hold back has always been not being able to see a happy future. Ever since a young age I have wanted to ctb. I've never been able to see myself alive for long. But W did/does something to me, I can see a future that makes me happy. He is everything I admire. He's smart, handsom, even strong mentally and physically. Hes my actual Superman. Hes one of my best friends but to him I'm just another person really. Just picturing a life with him makes me feel like all of my problems are non existent, I can see a goal and it fills me with such utter hope. A bacon in all this darkness. With that hope I've even been trying to put my foot into writing and stocks It's just really upsetting that he just doesn't talk to me anymore really (he has a lot going on so I cant be mad). It especially hurts knowing what hes been through and not being able to do a thing because I'm not supposed to know. He keeps his cards at his chest. I know I cant have him . Ive accepted it surface level. For the past year and half I've been slowly trying to get him off my mind. I'm gonna be roommates with him starting in August and I'm terrified. I like to tell myself I've made progress. I mean hell I dont even dream of him every night. But just thinking about him I can feel myself slipping back into it. What will I do when I'm confronted with this head on? I have no clue... There is a silver lining though. All of this has has drastically changed how I view everything more so than any drugs ive taken. I truly do want to have a life. But a painful life just isn't one worth living. Like I said, I'm gonna see this through till then. It just might pay off..hopefully.
It all started in late November. My first actual job. I started working at Walmart and it S U C K E D. I felt like garbage working in the deli having to interact with customers and such. The pay and extrodinarily cheap college was the only thing that made it worth it.
Around early December though something completely weird happened. I started talking to an old childhood friend (also my first childhood gf). She is practically like me in a lot of ways, especially how we feel inside. But I didn't realize what problems could come from dating a "me"
We got to talking and before I knew it we were dating. I havent felt what I felt in a long while. It was like breathing in a fresh breath. Talking to her was hard because she's been througha lot, she had and has a lot of pain. Just I'm terrible at putting on supportive mode for people for extended periods of time. After a few weeks of messaging I drove to go get her (1hr drive) and we hooked up. Just I couldn't "get it up" and that fucking B I G H U R T E D. Same thing in the morning when we woke up. That's when things started to go off. After I'd say two weeks I did the dumbest thing. I got blackout drunk and vomited just pure verbal abuse. I told her to leave me and she was replaceable but also telling her she was the most important thing to me. I understand that drunk me wanted her to be with someone who can allow her to grow, but NOT like that. I was so fuckung disgusted when she told me in the morning. It was rocky until early February until B R E A K (thanks for not waiting till Valentine's day). I was beyond heartbroken, I even quit my job. For some reason though. I found I could get back up on my feet. Then I realised that she had given me something no other person has in my life. Strength. I've had hope, love, even materialistics. Never has someone made me feel like I could do something. Ill for sure give her one last apology. At this point i figured nowhere but up right? Well...
Mid March, My besties bday. We got the boys together to have drinks and chill at the lake. I was looking forward to it except for one thing, my old love interest (who we'll call W). Now W is something different. A pure heart who would do anything to protect the ones he loves. He was the first person in school to not only be there for me, but do anything for me. His hug felt like I'd taken a microdose of mdma. Just one glaring problem S T R A I G H T. That's really the only reason I've never showed actual interest to him. Well fast forward my buddy is too drunk and crying on the ground so me and a few of the boys get him into W's car and since my bud wanted me to go with him I had to. On the way to the house I said stupid drunk things, nothing too bad. After he leaves me and my buds dad start drinking. I dont even know what happened, but I was kicked out. I almost walked home without shoes.. After that night i realised I was making no actual progress. I knew I had to change battle tactics, and i did, even started working at my moms restaurant. But that's when "he" sunk his claws into me
One of my biggest hold back has always been not being able to see a happy future. Ever since a young age I have wanted to ctb. I've never been able to see myself alive for long. But W did/does something to me, I can see a future that makes me happy. He is everything I admire. He's smart, handsom, even strong mentally and physically. Hes my actual Superman. Hes one of my best friends but to him I'm just another person really. Just picturing a life with him makes me feel like all of my problems are non existent, I can see a goal and it fills me with such utter hope. A bacon in all this darkness. With that hope I've even been trying to put my foot into writing and stocks It's just really upsetting that he just doesn't talk to me anymore really (he has a lot going on so I cant be mad). It especially hurts knowing what hes been through and not being able to do a thing because I'm not supposed to know. He keeps his cards at his chest. I know I cant have him . Ive accepted it surface level. For the past year and half I've been slowly trying to get him off my mind. I'm gonna be roommates with him starting in August and I'm terrified. I like to tell myself I've made progress. I mean hell I dont even dream of him every night. But just thinking about him I can feel myself slipping back into it. What will I do when I'm confronted with this head on? I have no clue... There is a silver lining though. All of this has has drastically changed how I view everything more so than any drugs ive taken. I truly do want to have a life. But a painful life just isn't one worth living. Like I said, I'm gonna see this through till then. It just might pay off..hopefully.
