disillusionment
Member
- Oct 22, 2020
- 67
Anyone else grow up being very sensitive and emotional in a family where everyone claims to not have emotions, or can't feel the full range of emotions, or understand others' emotions at all?
1) My brother thinks our mom is a sociopath, I'm not entirely sure about that but she doesn't understand others' emotions, doesn't care about hurting others emotionally, lies compulsively, and generally treats people (and animals) as background characters in her own fantasy life, or objects to use and throw away when they're not serving a purpose. I don't think she does it on purpose or knows what she's doing. She was absent for much of my life, lived in another province. our father had custody but we saw her for maybe two weeks once a year sometimes, except sometimes she'd float back into our lives, say it was for good, but then leave once again even though we cried and begged her to stay.
2) My father claims he is "unemotional" and "logical", says he doesn't have emotions, although he was prone to fits of rage where he would abuse me. But generally, he doesn't understand others emotions and mocks others for having them. I've seen him cry over the death of pets, so he's not entirely unemotional, but he claims he is. He thinks emotions are illogical and thinks you can just turn them off.
3) My brother just recently told me he is autistic. Nobody knew this growing up. He says he can't understand facial expressions, doesn't really feel emotions, he looks at everything like nothing matters. He looks at everything in what he says is a logical way, completely detached from emotions. He says that if someone is upset or crying or yelling he really doesn't understand it. Growing up, he was pretty cruel to me, and I guess he didn't understand how his actions affected others.
My father would laugh at me when I cried and mock me, pretending to cry himself. Or he'd tell me I'm on my period and that I need to hold off on being upset until next week, and then If I'm still upset I can cry. When I started self harming, he made it a joke, saying "Maybe we should cut ourselves together." He didn't ask why I was doing it, ask whats wrong, or try to help me in any way. My mom would make fun of me too. I remember one time when I was 12 I was beaten up badly at school by a much older, larger girl, and I had never even spoken to her once. She simply didn't like my face. We sat at the dining table after, and my brother, my mother, and her boyfriend all laughed and made fun of me for getting beaten up by her. I was bullied constantly from grade 4 and up and not once did my family ever care.
I was always super sensitive, probably because I had terrible self esteem (being rejected by peers, bullied, abused and told things like "you're worthless" and "your mother left because she doesn't love you" can do that to a kid). My brother thinks that I was just too sensitive and that if I wasn't, I would have turned out fine. But I don't know how to change that, any more than my family members know how to change. I guess it would involve building up my self-esteem, but I have no clue how to.
Lately I'm scared I'm becoming like my mother, and if she really is a sociopath, that terrifies me and I don't want to be like that. I have some of the traits but not all. I take after my father in loving animals and not connecting with people. But I have some of my mom's traits. I do have empathy though. I feel like sometimes I really do just turn it off. Or I have limited empathy.
1) My brother thinks our mom is a sociopath, I'm not entirely sure about that but she doesn't understand others' emotions, doesn't care about hurting others emotionally, lies compulsively, and generally treats people (and animals) as background characters in her own fantasy life, or objects to use and throw away when they're not serving a purpose. I don't think she does it on purpose or knows what she's doing. She was absent for much of my life, lived in another province. our father had custody but we saw her for maybe two weeks once a year sometimes, except sometimes she'd float back into our lives, say it was for good, but then leave once again even though we cried and begged her to stay.
2) My father claims he is "unemotional" and "logical", says he doesn't have emotions, although he was prone to fits of rage where he would abuse me. But generally, he doesn't understand others emotions and mocks others for having them. I've seen him cry over the death of pets, so he's not entirely unemotional, but he claims he is. He thinks emotions are illogical and thinks you can just turn them off.
3) My brother just recently told me he is autistic. Nobody knew this growing up. He says he can't understand facial expressions, doesn't really feel emotions, he looks at everything like nothing matters. He looks at everything in what he says is a logical way, completely detached from emotions. He says that if someone is upset or crying or yelling he really doesn't understand it. Growing up, he was pretty cruel to me, and I guess he didn't understand how his actions affected others.
My father would laugh at me when I cried and mock me, pretending to cry himself. Or he'd tell me I'm on my period and that I need to hold off on being upset until next week, and then If I'm still upset I can cry. When I started self harming, he made it a joke, saying "Maybe we should cut ourselves together." He didn't ask why I was doing it, ask whats wrong, or try to help me in any way. My mom would make fun of me too. I remember one time when I was 12 I was beaten up badly at school by a much older, larger girl, and I had never even spoken to her once. She simply didn't like my face. We sat at the dining table after, and my brother, my mother, and her boyfriend all laughed and made fun of me for getting beaten up by her. I was bullied constantly from grade 4 and up and not once did my family ever care.
I was always super sensitive, probably because I had terrible self esteem (being rejected by peers, bullied, abused and told things like "you're worthless" and "your mother left because she doesn't love you" can do that to a kid). My brother thinks that I was just too sensitive and that if I wasn't, I would have turned out fine. But I don't know how to change that, any more than my family members know how to change. I guess it would involve building up my self-esteem, but I have no clue how to.
Lately I'm scared I'm becoming like my mother, and if she really is a sociopath, that terrifies me and I don't want to be like that. I have some of the traits but not all. I take after my father in loving animals and not connecting with people. But I have some of my mom's traits. I do have empathy though. I feel like sometimes I really do just turn it off. Or I have limited empathy.
