Story Grief, loss, bereavement.

[JOT]

"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things." - Lemony Snicket

6 months ago, I was happy. Then, one day, I received a phone call telling me that my best friend was dead.

I wanted to create this thread to share my story of that day and I did briefly but have since edited it as honestly it's too hard to have out there for the world to see.

So instead, I'd like to welcome members to share their experiences of loss and bereavement if they feel able to.

 

[TheCrow]

I'm so sorry about your friend. Your life doesn't make sense now without your best friend, right? I lost mine this summer to an overdose. We found out later that there was fentanyl in her dope. She was like my older sister. She really was my everything. I refuse to be here without her; I'm going to ctb and find her.

 

[JOT]

I'm so sorry about your friend. Your life doesn't make sense now without your best friend, right? I lost mine this summer to an overdose. We found out later that there was fentanyl in her dope. She was like my older sister. She really was my everything. I refuse to be here without her; I'm going to ctb and find her.

I empathise with you completely. He was so important to me, I feel utterly robbed of him.
The world has lost it's spark for me and although I have a lot of love from my family and other friends, it's unfortunately not enough to fill the gap he's left behind.

I hope you find her, I hope you close your eyes and when you open them again... she's there x

 

[TheCrow]

That is so heartbreaking. I know exactly what you mean.

What a nice sentiment! I hope it comes true.

 

[LostBoy]

I'm similar to you, 6 months ago I too got a phone that changed my life forever, I lost my son.
He could of been anything in this world as he was so clever and charismatic however that wasn't enough for him and CTB.

I wish I could go back in time and just have the chance to talk to him, just to hear it from him that this wasn't ever going to be enough, to try and understand, to try and offer support and help. I think I get it, life isn't for everyone and he didn't ask to be born and then forced to play the shit game that is life in a corporate world of greed, power, conspiracy and famin.

Realy, how could anyone blame him for wanting out.

Now what's left is a very sad dad who's
kind of lost his way.

 

[JOT]

I'm similar to you, 6 months ago I too got a phone that changed my life forever, I lost my son.
He could of been anything in this world as he was so clever and charismatic however that wasn't enough for him and CTB.

I wish I could go back in time and just have the chance to talk to him, just to hear it from him that this wasn't ever going to be enough, to try and understand, to try and offer support and help. I think I get it, life isn't for everyone and he didn't ask to be born and then forced to play the shit game that is life in a corporate world of greed, power, conspiracy and famin.

Realy, how could anyone blame him for wanting out.

Now what's left is a very sad dad who's
kind of lost his way.

I can feel the pain in your words. I think that unless you've experienced that kind of loss, you can't ever truly understand.
Every day I wake up and think "he's still dead!". Grief rips a hole in your heart that never ever heals. It makes you question your sanity, your belief systems, your choices and decisions.
And for the grieving, time moves differently. You can only think of things as "before they died and after they died".

I am so sorry that you lost your boy. I am sorry that the world lost out on someone incredible and intelligent and good.

 

[21Neberg]

I'm similar to you, 6 months ago I too got a phone that changed my life forever, I lost my son.
He could of been anything in this world as he was so clever and charismatic however that wasn't enough for him and CTB.

I wish I could go back in time and just have the chance to talk to him, just to hear it from him that this wasn't ever going to be enough, to try and understand, to try and offer support and help. I think I get it, life isn't for everyone and he didn't ask to be born and then forced to play the shit game that is life in a corporate world of greed, power, conspiracy and famin.

Realy, how could anyone blame him for wanting out.

Now what's left is a very sad dad who's
kind of lost his way.

I can't imagine the pain you must have gone through. I wish you the best of luck regardless of whether you decide to live or CTB.

 

[LostBoy]

I can't imagine the pain you must have gone through. I wish you the best of luck regardless of whether you decide to live or CTB.

Thankyou, I have no choice at the moment as I have a wife and daughter to be around for, there is no way I could CTB and do this to them all over again.
Also, I have hope that life will become more bearable and maybe even pleasurable and I extend that hope to all in this forum too, I wish everyone could be happy and peaceful.

 

[LostBoy]

I can feel the pain in your words. I think that unless you've experienced that kind of loss, you can't ever truly understand.
Every day I wake up and think "he's still dead!". Grief rips a hole in your heart that never ever heals. It makes you question your sanity, your belief systems, your choices and decisions.
And for the grieving, time moves differently. You can only think of things as "before they died and after they died".

I am so sorry that you lost your boy. I am sorry that the world lost out on someone incredible and intelligent and good.

Thank you, I hope the world's loss was his gain, I could live with life a lot easier if I knew he was happier where ever he is.

And yes I agree life if full of disbelief that he is actually gone. I look at his picture everyday as I sit in my couch, I also have a picture of him doing a wheely on his motorbike which I look at all the time, his happy days !
But where is sit in my house to my left on the table right night to me is his ashes which I get some comfort from although one day I should scatter them to set them free I'm just not ready yet.

I hope your pain eases, I have also had a friend of mine CTB, my best man at my wedding, he went about 18 months ago.
Life is shit at times but we must hang to hope it'll get better and that this moment in time will pass.

Good luck to you.

 

[JOT]

Thank you, I hope the world's loss was his gain, I could live with life a lot easier if I knew he was happier where ever he is.

And yes I agree life if full of disbelief that he is actually gone. I look at his picture everyday as I sit in my couch, I also have a picture of him doing a wheely on his motorbike which I look at all the time, his happy days !
But where is sit in my house to my left on the table right night to me is his ashes which I get some comfort from although one day I should scatter them to set them free I'm just not ready yet.

I hope your pain eases, I have also had a friend of mine CTB, my best man at my wedding, he went about 18 months ago.
Life is shit at times but we must hang to hope it'll get better and that this moment in time will pass.

Good luck to you.

I have photos up everywhere of my bf too. In life I felt drawn to him, he was like a magnet to me. Now he's dead, I still feel that pull. I don't want to die but I don't want to live without him.

When I'm all set up and ready to ctb, if I feel scared I'm going to keep telling myself that I could be moments away from seeing him again. I miss him so much, it never stops hurting.

 

[LostBoy]

I have photos up everywhere of my bf too. In life I felt drawn to him, he was like a magnet to me. Now he's dead, I still feel that pull. I don't want to die but I don't want to live without him.

When I'm all set up and ready to ctb, if I feel scared I'm going to keep telling myself that I could be moments away from seeing him again. I miss him so much, it never stops hurting.

I hope you don't CTB, not yet anyway give yourself a chance at this new normal, I know it's torturous without him just now but remember he would want you to be happy although in what way I wouldn't know.
Did he give a reason why ? And it's OK if you don't want to share that.

 

[JOT]

I hope you don't CTB, not yet anyway give yourself a chance at this new normal, I know it's torturous without him just now but remember he would want you to be happy although in what way I wouldn't know.
Did he give a reason why ? And it's OK if you don't want to share that.

His cause of death was never released by his next of kin so I don't actually know how he died. I did see his body when he was found though so from that and various other things, I'm fairly positive it wasn't intentional.
I believe that it may have been an underlying health issue or something heart related.

 

[daikon]

I have photos up everywhere of my bf too. In life I felt drawn to him, he was like a magnet to me. Now he's dead, I still feel that pull. I don't want to die but I don't want to live without him.

My boyfriend was murdered last year, and everything you're saying here really hits home. Waking up everyday with the knowledge that he's dead, seeing things differently (I'll think, oh that song was released when he was still alive — that song was released the month he died, the month after, etc.) Life doesn't make sense anymore — how can I be here when the most important thing in my world was taken from me? Why bother?

Suicide is probably going to be agony, and the fear of pain and failure stays my hand, but at the same time I can't imagine living out the rest of my life with this grief.

 

[JOT]

My boyfriend was murdered last year, and everything you're saying here really hits home. Waking up everyday with the knowledge that he's dead, seeing things differently (I'll think, oh that song was released when he was still alive — that song was released the month he died, the month after, etc.) Life doesn't make sense anymore — how can I be here when the most important thing in my world was taken from me? Why bother?

Suicide is probably going to be agony, and the fear of pain and failure stays my hand, but at the same time I can't imagine living out the rest of my life with this grief.

I have a playlist that is just songs that we listened to together two weeks before he died. In the first few months after his passing I played them on repeat, I listened to voice recordings he sent me, looked at photos, watched videos, re-read his text messages.
I wanted to drown myself in him. Now I avoid all of that at all costs. I can't bear any of it.

I understand you completely, there is no joy in this world for me anymore. I have a good life tbh but it's not enough to keep me here.
I have cried (more like howled) for him. I have begged, pleaded, prayed for a sign and I've had nothing. So if he can't reach me, my only option is to look for him and I'll not stop until I find him.

 

[JOT]

"Don't cry for me, no. Because if you cry, I grieve. Sing to me instead, if you sing I live and never die"

 

[borntodie777]

This one's sad to read, hope it works out eventually. Losing one of the most important people in your life is pretty damn hard

 

[JOT]

This one's sad to read, hope it works out eventually. Losing one of the most important people in your life is pretty damn hard

It's unbearable. I'll see him again soon though.

 

[daikon]

I have a playlist that is just songs that we listened to together two weeks before he died. In the first few months after his passing I played them on repeat, I listened to voice recordings he sent me, looked at photos, watched videos, re-read his text messages.
I wanted to drown myself in him. Now I avoid all of that at all costs. I can't bear any of it.

I understand you completely, there is no joy in this world for me anymore. I have a good life tbh but it's not enough to keep me here.
I have cried (more like howled) for him. I have begged, pleaded, prayed for a sign and I've had nothing. So if he can't reach me, my only option is to look for him and I'll not stop until I find him.

Oh, me too. I go through phases where I'll look at pictures of him every spare moment, listen to songs we recorded together and videos of us playing guitar and singing, and then sometimes I'll have to avoid all of that. He made me a playlist for a flight I took to visit him once, and it's like a soundtrack for his death. (The Phil Ochs' song "When I'm Gone" seems like morbidly fitting choice.) That's are really hard to listen to, since it's so intimately linked to better times.

There are times when screaming seems like the only way to mourn, and I'll just scream and scream until I burn myself out. It drives me crazy that he's not here, when he was such a vibrant and beautiful part of my life. Sometimes I'll walk around in a daze, just absolutely shocked he's gone -- literally obliterated, since he was cremated and his ashes were scattered. It's interesting that you say you wanted to drown yourself in your friend -- my boyfriend wrote a little, and I found a phrase in one of his notebooks. In French it's "se noyer ou s'y noyer?", which is "to drown or to drown in it?" He'd seen a lot of death and pain in his life, and that resonates so strongly for me now. The only choices left to me are to slowly suffocate in grief for the rest of my years, or end it all while I still can.

I don't believe in the soul or the afterlife, and all I can hope for is non-existence. Still, it seems like something is haunting me (I now live next to a building and a park that coincidentally both bear my boyfriend's name, and I keep meeting men who look like him.) I'm so happy you believe in an afterlife where you'll be together, and I hope that brings you peace, or at least an end to your pain. Lots of cultures have methods of attempting to contact the dead -- have you ever looked into those?

Also, if you ever think that you might be able to live life without your friend, I found out that what I'm experiencing (and maybe what you are too) is called complicated grief (with a smattering of PTSD for me), and there are special therapeutic resources for it. I only mention it because all the therapists and grief counselors I've met with seemed too freaked out by my story/my SI to help, so maybe you could look into that? I'm not saying it'll fix all your problems, but it might help to ease things before the end (at least that's my hope for it.)

 

[daikon]

It's also just so good to talk to someone who feels grief similarly to me. I'm so tired of people telling me I have my whole life ahead of me, that "we have to keep going" and "put it out of our minds," like all that happened was I didn't get my dream job or some shit.

 

[JOT]

It's also just so good to talk to someone who feels grief similarly to me. I'm so tired of people telling me I have my whole life ahead of me, that "we have to keep going" and "put it out of our minds," like all that happened was I didn't get my dream job or some shit.

I've heard of the term "complicated grief". I'm reading a book called "It's ok if you're not ok" by Megan Devine. It is all about her experience of being a therapist and losing her husband in an accidental drowning.
I'm finding it somewhat helpful although it's been a while since I last picked it up.
I had therapy for just over 4 months and whilst it was good to talk to someone, I can't say it did much to end my pain. I've also been taking anti depressants for the past three months and I do think they're helping me to go on with normal day to day tasks as well as my job.

In terms of trying to contact him I've tried; ouiji board, been to see a medium, tried to listen for him via an electronic voice recording thing, I've prayed, I've asked him to send me signs. There's been a couple of things that could have been something but at the same time could have been coincidence.

 

[JOT]

For example; we really liked watching black mirror on Netflix and one episode is called SAN junipero. It's about how people's conciousnesses are uploaded to a digital afterlife when they die so that they can continue on. The ending credits plays out to Belinda Carlisyles - Heaven is a place on earth. We both loved that episode and talked about it. A week after he died, my amazon echo started playing heaven is a place on earth. I'd not asked it to and when I checked it's history, I could see that it had not received a command to do so.

 

[JOT]

There's been a few other things as well which would require lengthy explanations so I'll not make you endure that. However, I've dreamt of him maybe 8 times since he died. Two of those dreams felt very real and one of them woke me up with a feeling like he'd just been in my bedroom.

But then I just talk myself down and tell myself it's wishful thinking.

How long has it been since you lost your boyfriend? I'm hoping that you'll tell me it gets easier but I'm guessing not since you're on SS.

 

[daikon]

There's been a few other things as well which would require lengthy explanations so I'll not make you endure that. However, I've dreamt of him maybe 8 times since he died. Two of those dreams felt very real and one of them woke me up with a feeling like he'd just been in my bedroom.

But then I just talk myself down and tell myself it's wishful thinking.

How long has it been since you lost your boyfriend? I'm hoping that you'll tell me it gets easier but I'm guessing not since you're on SS.

Eight months. Everyone tells me it gets easier, but I've wanted to kill myself for a long time and his murder seems to confirm my original feelings that life isn't worth living. Still, the timeline seems pretty grim — most people who grieve really close loved ones like parents, children, or partners seem to feel acute grief for about one to three years. I don't want to be alive for the anniversary of his death though.

If you want to PM me, I'd love to hear about all the signs you've received. So many supernatural-seeming things happened around my boyfriend's death that it feels like he was cursed, somehow. I'd be happy to talk to someone experiencing a similar thing.

 

[JOT]

Eight months. Everyone tells me it gets easier, but I've wanted to kill myself for a long time and his murder seems to confirm my original feelings that life isn't worth living. Still, the timeline seems pretty grim — most people who grieve really close loved ones like parents, children, or partners seem to feel acute grief for about one to three years. I don't want to be alive for the anniversary of his death though.

If you want to PM me, I'd love to hear about all the signs you've received. So many supernatural-seeming things happened around my boyfriend's death that it feels like he was cursed, somehow. I'd be happy to talk to someone experiencing a similar thing.

That would be really nice, I'll send a pm now

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

This thread is so beautiful and painful, guys *hugs everyone*

 

[lost_soul83]

I was asleep.....I didn't hear the knock at our front door. The dog's bark woke me....who in God's name is here at 1:30a?? I get out of my nice warm bed, walk down the hall, lift the curtain on the door and see a flashlight shining in.....and it hits me, it hits me like a ton of bricks. My brother.....I just knew he was finally gone....I let the two police officers into my living room. My mom had been trying to call me and couldn't get a hold of me. It was the middle of the night and I had silenced my phone. I looked at one of the officers and said, "it's my brother, isn't it? He's dead, isn't he?" He said yes. I fell to my knees and sobbed uncontrollably. I dialed my mom's number and sobbed inaudibly into the phone. "What happened," I screamed into the phone. She told me he had died of an overdose that evening.....my brother.....my other half, the only one on this planet that truly understood me, was gone.....Wtf was I gonna do?! I didn't know then, but I know now. I want to ctb to where he is so we can be together again. RIP bro, I will forever love you. October 7th, 2018.

 

[JOT]

I was asleep.....I didn't hear the knock at our front door. The dog's bark woke me....who in God's name is here at 1:30a?? I get out of my nice warm bed, walk down the hall, lift the curtain on the door and see a flashlight shining in.....and it hits me, it hits me like a ton of bricks. My brother.....I just knew he was finally gone....I let the two police officers into my living room. My mom had been trying to call me and couldn't get a hold of me. It was the middle of the night and I had silenced my phone. I looked at one of the officers and said, "it's my brother, isn't it? He's dead, isn't he?" He said yes. I fell to my knees and sobbed uncontrollably. I dialed my mom's number and sobbed inaudibly into the phone. "What happened," I screamed into the phone. She told me he had died of an overdose that evening.....my brother.....my other half, the only one on this planet that truly understood me, was gone.....Wtf was I gonna do?! I didn't know then, but I know now. I want to ctb to where he is so we can be together again. RIP bro, I will forever love you. October 7th, 2018.

It's strange how you just kind of know isn't it. I had a similar experience with my best friend where I knew he was dead before anyone actually told me. I still kept telling myself everyone had made a mistake but something in me knew.

I won't offer you the usual platitudes because it's far too raw for you right now. What I will say is that I am truly sorry you lost your brother and it really is as bad as you think it is. It fucking hurts, there's nothing that will fix it, it's a pain you carry every day.

 

[lost_soul83]

It's strange how you just kind of know isn't it. I had a similar experience with my best friend where I knew he was dead before anyone actually told me. I still kept telling myself everyone had made a mistake but something in me knew.

I won't offer you the usual platitudes because it's far too raw for you right now. What I will say is that I am truly sorry you lost your brother and it really is as bad as you think it is. It fucking hurts, there's nothing that will fix it, it's a pain you carry every day.

Thank you. I try to explain that to people, that I'm not "okay," that I'm fucking destroyed inside, but they don't get it. I don't blame them, but it's nice to be on here with people like you, who truly "get it." Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

 

[JustAboutDone]

I was asleep.....I didn't hear the knock at our front door. The dog's bark woke me....who in God's name is here at 1:30a?? I get out of my nice warm bed, walk down the hall, lift the curtain on the door and see a flashlight shining in.....and it hits me, it hits me like a ton of bricks. My brother.....I just knew he was finally gone....I let the two police officers into my living room. My mom had been trying to call me and couldn't get a hold of me. It was the middle of the night and I had silenced my phone. I looked at one of the officers and said, "it's my brother, isn't it? He's dead, isn't he?" He said yes. I fell to my knees and sobbed uncontrollably. I dialed my mom's number and sobbed inaudibly into the phone. "What happened," I screamed into the phone. She told me he had died of an overdose that evening.....my brother.....my other half, the only one on this planet that truly understood me, was gone.....Wtf was I gonna do?! I didn't know then, but I know now. I want to ctb to where he is so we can be together again. RIP bro, I will forever love you. October 7th, 2018.

@lost_soul83
Like as @JOT says I won't offer meaningless platitudes to you. There is nothing I can say :-( but I just so wanted you to know that what you wrote touched my heart and I'm so desperately sorry for your pain :-(
I hope you meet your brother in your dreams or he is with you wherever you go. Sending you my love xx

 

[lost_soul83]

@lost_soul83
Like as @JOT says I won't offer meaningless platitudes to you. There is nothing I can say :-( but I just so wanted you to know that what you wrote touched my heart and I'm so desperately sorry for your pain :-(
I hope you meet your brother in your dreams or he is with you wherever you go. Sending you my love xx

Thank you so much honey. Your kind words mean a lot. I just can't live without my brother, we're so much alike. He will always be the only one who understands me.