Greetings, need an advice

[tonygw]

Hello, I am new on this forum and in order to introduce myself i would like to share my story. I grew in a particular family, i never felt the love and the compassion every child has right to and my childhood is a scattered dream in my mind full of every sort of abuse. trough my life i tried every kind of help for this situation, psychologist, meds, tried suicide couple times, and by now i only want to find the strenght to ctb and that's why i am here. I feel locked in a prision and i have the key but not the bravery to use it, I am stuck in a sort of limbo and i think that's the worst situation ever, advices? Sorry for my poor english xD

 

[foxdie]

Greetings friend, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you've found your way here but I hope you can find some comfort. I'm in the same limbo as you, it's really difficult. I haven't figured it out yet either. You're English is excellent BTW

 

[profoundexperience]

by now i only want to find the strenght to ctb and that's why i am here.

Yes. Exactly the same here. For me, I have the "intellectual understandings"... overwhelming reasons for me personally to end my life... and I have the means, all ready to go... but I seem to lack the conviction/will to do it. I think I have at least 3 major things "holding me back"...

1. Cultural Conditioning: Throughout our whole lives, we have been "programmed" that death is a "bad thing" and we should be afraid of it... and, more precisely, we need to avoid it at all costs. It can be so very hard to break these ingrained (and very likely false) "beliefs".
2. Fear of What Happens Next: (of course a subset of "Cultural Conditioning") Although I'm personally 99+% sure there is no afterlife, I'm still afraid of the future after I die. Perhaps best summed-up by Shakespeare's Hamlet: 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause: there's the respect That makes calamity of so long life; For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, When he himself might his quietus make With a bare bodkin? ... But that the dread of something after death, The undiscover'd country from whose bourn No traveller returns, puzzles the will And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all; And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of great pith and moment With this regard their currents turn awry, And lose the name of action.
3. Egoism: There is a vain part of me who covets and cherishes this mind and its knowledge. I think it is a twisted form of "greed"... certainly there is nothing honorable in it. It just doesn't want to let-go.

I feel locked in a prision and i have the key but not the bravery to use it, I am stuck in a sort of limbo and i think that's the worst situation ever

Yes. But, it will end (by default) eventually... regardless.

So, is it not better for me to do it intentionally? Isn't there something more courageous, something with more integrity in doing it myself than merely "by default"?

In the end, I'm thinking for me, it may be necessary to whip myself up into some kind of "manic/'just do it' state. But, this is easier said than done.

Sorry for my poor english xD

No need to apologize: I thought you were a native speaker.

 

[Wrennie]

2. Egoism: There is a vein part of me who covets and cherishes this mind and its knowledge. I think it is a twisted form of "greed"... certainly there is nothing honorable in it. It just doesn't want to let-go.

Yes. But, it will end (by default) eventually... regardless.

This 100%. My entire life, It's been nothing but me and my mind. It's so hard to fathom no longer being "conscious" per say, and permanently casting aside the person I've come to know and come to be.

 

[tonygw]

Yes. Exactly the same here. For me, I have the "intellectual understandings"... overwhelming reasons for me personally to end my life... and I have the means, all ready to go... but I seem to lack the conviction/will to do it. I think I have at least 3 major things "holding me back"...

1. Cultural Conditioning: Throughout our whole lives, we have been "programmed" that death is a "bad thing" and we should be afraid of it... and, more precisely, we need to avoid it at all costs. It can be so very hard to break these ingrained (and very likely false) "beliefs".
2. Fear of What Happens Next: (of course a subset of "Cultural Conditioning") Although I'm personally 99+% sure there is no afterlife, I'm still afraid of the future after I die. Perhaps best summed-up by Shakespeare's Hamlet: 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause: there's the respect That makes calamity of so long life; For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, When he himself might his quietus make With a bare bodkin? ... But that the dread of something after death, The undiscover'd country from whose bourn No traveller returns, puzzles the will And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all; And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of great pith and moment With this regard their currents turn awry, And lose the name of action.
3. Egoism: There is a vain part of me who covets and cherishes this mind and its knowledge. I think it is a twisted form of "greed"... certainly there is nothing honorable in it. It just doesn't want to let-go.

Yes. But, it will end (by default) eventually... regardless.

So, is it not better for me to do it intentionally? Isn't there something more courageous, something with more integrity in doing it myself than merely "by default"?

In the end, I'm thinking for me, it may be necessary to whip myself up into some kind of "manic/'just do it' state. But, this is easier said than done.

No need to apologize: I thought you were a native speaker.

I always feel the time so slow and i am so confused about thi mess at all, but your answers are really well stated and give me points to think about, i really appreciate thank you

 

[Sherri]

Your English is perfect, welcome, I'm sorry you have been through hard times doing your childhood, that sure becomes something that is hard to forget. But you have to decide if you want to carry on and leave those memories behind. Scars are hard to heal and that limbo is what most of us feel here. Hope you find some comfort here. A big hug to you.

 

[oneanonymous]

I'm sorry that you're here, but welcome anyway. I hope you can find some comfort on this site, and peace in your life.

 

[profoundexperience]

I always feel the time so slow and i am so confused about thi mess at all

Could you please say a bit more about it? Especially about time being "slow"?

And, although I said what I said and it does apply to me... Your "limbo" could also be about you wanting something else (rather than ctb). Is that possible? I think it's important to at least try to recover... Yet, for me I've tried many things over >15 years and at some point, "enough is enough".

 

[tonygw]

I think my grief always comes by a sort of inability to accept me and the world just the way it is and this lead me to overthink and be disconnected from the things out of my mind, and i think that's the reason time is so slow by me. This said i am 28 and i have this problems since 16, i literally tried everything to recover and now i just feel so tired..

 

[profoundexperience]

a sort of inability to accept me and the world just the way it is and this lead me to overthink and be disconnected

It's possible that there's nothing wrong with you per se (i.e., inability to accept, overthinking, disconnection)... Quoting myself seems arrogant, but here I go...

And it's ironic... because it's possible that some of us may actually have a more accurate view of reality than the average person. As in "Depressive Realism".

I used to think my MDD was mainly something wrong with me. More recently, I've begun to realize that life/existence is fundamentally a bad thing & it's unfixable... and that the nature of reality itself is what has probably made me depressed all these years (or at least it is a very important cause).

So, I think it's less about "seeing reality as it truly is" and more about "seeing reality as human beings have decided to believe it should be". One has to agree with the consensus... otherwise you're "mentally ill",

Depressive realism - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

from: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/why-are-people-against-euthanasia.55596/#post-1018920