I read other people's posts in this forum with a similar GPA though my story is different. In my country there is a different score system but my score is the counterpart in my country. However I am only studying part-time. I have extreme OCD and extreme anxiety and only being prepared for exams helps. And the anxiety becomes way too much if I study full-time. Further if I studied full-time I would never have such a good GPA.
I read the post of someone in this forum with autism, a GPA of 3.9, working part-time and an extreme difficult subject. I am clearly not that smart. But the person had the imposter syndrome and still hated their life. And I can relate so fucking much to both.
In college some people must think I had an IQ above 9000. Lol. I am just studying part-time and barely anyone knows that. Furthermore I am just an workaholic who is extremely neurotic and conscientious to a point that it tortures me every single day. It is a hell of a mix for one's life quality.
Soon I have exams. I am pretty good prepared but the anxiety is still skyrocketing. It will be extremely overwhelming. I still have college one day pretty early at morning which might drive me to another psychosis with a following suicide. I will go pretty hard on adictive medication. I warned my therapists and they kind of agreed on increasing the dosage in case things become heavy. Honestly my psychiatrist has a weird notion of "addiction". I once listened to a call of her with another patient. The person took 5 times the dosage of my benzodiazepine and the person told her about the fear of being an addict. And my psychiatrist called it auto-suggestion. Like WTF! Holy shit and other psychiatrists did not want to give me 5 pills despite the fact I begged them for it. She soon retires. And I desperately need someone like her. With one thing she is right. I am not someone who abuses such medication easily. Taking a benzo with a z-medication can feel so amazing. Especially combined to a manic epsiode. Taking manic benzos was amazing. The good feelings of the mania without agitation and less anxiety.
Though here comes the point. I have a weird relation to life quality. I sometimes ignore my pain and life quality despite the fact I whine about it in this forum on a daily basis. The thing is my compulsions and fears are way important for me than my own feelings. I was trained (abused) to be like that. I have an extreme self-discipline. I already did shit which required insane willpower. Like working despite major depression and severe psychosomatic pain. This was even way worse than to study with reaching a GPA of 3.9. Or when I had a psychosis I continued to study which was pretty insane. And my therapists were completely stunned by that fact that someone can have such a willpower.
I don't really have a good relation to my own well-being. I made progress for sure. When I was a teenager I hated myself so much that I had the goal to never do something else than studying in my life. I was in a mixed manic depressive epsiode while I had this great idea.
There are positive things about college. I think the disadvantages outweigh the positive factors a lot. And in a good society I should be able to live a somewhat good life without working due to the fact I am very very ill. I will kill myself in case I am dependent on welfare (which will happen). Therapists also came to that conclusion. Compared to my traineeship the courses are way more satisfying. Except in this and the next semester (in case I stay stable and survive)
The thing is my studying is probably completely worthless. I am not able to hold an average job. I am way too neurotic. So I have a GPA of fucking 3.9 for becoming unemployed. I am also not extremely intelligent so that any company would beg to hire me. When I will have job interviews there will be some pretty uncomfortable questions. (Like in the past all this nightmarish shit is repeating until I kill myself.) Why are there gaps in the CV? Why did the college take that long? Why are you such a fucking weirdo? Why don't you want to make a master, doctor become or a professor?
With every semster it becomes harder to motivate me. The stress is torturous. I enjoy the holidays however very much. At least there is the illusion of some hope. During the last holidays I always bought me shit. A new laptop, a new smartphone, then a new playstation. I thought now I really don't have any more wishes. I am pretty frugal usually and I saved a lot of money within the last years. I decided to spend a little bit more money. I will never have enough money to prevent my suicide except if I won the lottery which I never take part in. Lol. A friend of mine suggested to enjoy my hobbies as long as possible and this really improved my life quality. I simulated poverty in the past because I am so scared of welfare. Yeah this will drive me to commit suicide I know that.
However despite my bitching and moaning there are positive aspects of college. I realized the new start after the holidays is so torturous for me because the difference of life quality is insane. There are some positive things at college. I meet new people and I have more social interactions. Often the interactions overwhelm and trigger me. But sometimes I also feel less alone and it improved my social skills. I barely have contact with women so I will probably never find a gf especially if I behave totally mental like in the past because I often get psychotic symptoms. Well fuck my life.
I have the imposter syndrome so fucking much. Especially after the incident with the STEM professor at the clinic. He was the smartest and most educated person I have ever met in my life. He considered me ignorant, annoying and not very bright. And this shit fucking motivated me. It might be insane to think so much about it but this started a process in my life. I read way more science articles since then and I consume less media articles. I watched lectures even prior to my start in college. And I could impress peers and professors with my knowledge. Still I am just a fucking overachiever who is sort of a real imposter (with the imposter syndrome).
I am obsessed by how people perceive me and it feels great to be seen as a smartass. Though I think for real I am not as smart as I want to make others think of me. I am just as I said obsessed by studying. And it is kind of pathetic to act like an intellectual if one only scratches on the surface. For some moments such situations where people are stunned about me can give me a great feeling. Though I try not to be megalomaniac (manic) because of it. Most manic symptoms are completely useless. It does not matter what other people think of me when I am this fucking sad and unhappy. And my grades don't mean much when I am unable to work. Though I still have to acknowledge my success and I try to balance it. I try to be humble and I should not overestimate my abilities.
Congratulation for reading this self-absorbed and narcissistic thread! Holy fucking shit it is that long. Do I become manic again?
I read the post of someone in this forum with autism, a GPA of 3.9, working part-time and an extreme difficult subject. I am clearly not that smart. But the person had the imposter syndrome and still hated their life. And I can relate so fucking much to both.
In college some people must think I had an IQ above 9000. Lol. I am just studying part-time and barely anyone knows that. Furthermore I am just an workaholic who is extremely neurotic and conscientious to a point that it tortures me every single day. It is a hell of a mix for one's life quality.
Soon I have exams. I am pretty good prepared but the anxiety is still skyrocketing. It will be extremely overwhelming. I still have college one day pretty early at morning which might drive me to another psychosis with a following suicide. I will go pretty hard on adictive medication. I warned my therapists and they kind of agreed on increasing the dosage in case things become heavy. Honestly my psychiatrist has a weird notion of "addiction". I once listened to a call of her with another patient. The person took 5 times the dosage of my benzodiazepine and the person told her about the fear of being an addict. And my psychiatrist called it auto-suggestion. Like WTF! Holy shit and other psychiatrists did not want to give me 5 pills despite the fact I begged them for it. She soon retires. And I desperately need someone like her. With one thing she is right. I am not someone who abuses such medication easily. Taking a benzo with a z-medication can feel so amazing. Especially combined to a manic epsiode. Taking manic benzos was amazing. The good feelings of the mania without agitation and less anxiety.
Though here comes the point. I have a weird relation to life quality. I sometimes ignore my pain and life quality despite the fact I whine about it in this forum on a daily basis. The thing is my compulsions and fears are way important for me than my own feelings. I was trained (abused) to be like that. I have an extreme self-discipline. I already did shit which required insane willpower. Like working despite major depression and severe psychosomatic pain. This was even way worse than to study with reaching a GPA of 3.9. Or when I had a psychosis I continued to study which was pretty insane. And my therapists were completely stunned by that fact that someone can have such a willpower.
I don't really have a good relation to my own well-being. I made progress for sure. When I was a teenager I hated myself so much that I had the goal to never do something else than studying in my life. I was in a mixed manic depressive epsiode while I had this great idea.
There are positive things about college. I think the disadvantages outweigh the positive factors a lot. And in a good society I should be able to live a somewhat good life without working due to the fact I am very very ill. I will kill myself in case I am dependent on welfare (which will happen). Therapists also came to that conclusion. Compared to my traineeship the courses are way more satisfying. Except in this and the next semester (in case I stay stable and survive)
The thing is my studying is probably completely worthless. I am not able to hold an average job. I am way too neurotic. So I have a GPA of fucking 3.9 for becoming unemployed. I am also not extremely intelligent so that any company would beg to hire me. When I will have job interviews there will be some pretty uncomfortable questions. (Like in the past all this nightmarish shit is repeating until I kill myself.) Why are there gaps in the CV? Why did the college take that long? Why are you such a fucking weirdo? Why don't you want to make a master, doctor become or a professor?
With every semster it becomes harder to motivate me. The stress is torturous. I enjoy the holidays however very much. At least there is the illusion of some hope. During the last holidays I always bought me shit. A new laptop, a new smartphone, then a new playstation. I thought now I really don't have any more wishes. I am pretty frugal usually and I saved a lot of money within the last years. I decided to spend a little bit more money. I will never have enough money to prevent my suicide except if I won the lottery which I never take part in. Lol. A friend of mine suggested to enjoy my hobbies as long as possible and this really improved my life quality. I simulated poverty in the past because I am so scared of welfare. Yeah this will drive me to commit suicide I know that.
However despite my bitching and moaning there are positive aspects of college. I realized the new start after the holidays is so torturous for me because the difference of life quality is insane. There are some positive things at college. I meet new people and I have more social interactions. Often the interactions overwhelm and trigger me. But sometimes I also feel less alone and it improved my social skills. I barely have contact with women so I will probably never find a gf especially if I behave totally mental like in the past because I often get psychotic symptoms. Well fuck my life.
I have the imposter syndrome so fucking much. Especially after the incident with the STEM professor at the clinic. He was the smartest and most educated person I have ever met in my life. He considered me ignorant, annoying and not very bright. And this shit fucking motivated me. It might be insane to think so much about it but this started a process in my life. I read way more science articles since then and I consume less media articles. I watched lectures even prior to my start in college. And I could impress peers and professors with my knowledge. Still I am just a fucking overachiever who is sort of a real imposter (with the imposter syndrome).
I am obsessed by how people perceive me and it feels great to be seen as a smartass. Though I think for real I am not as smart as I want to make others think of me. I am just as I said obsessed by studying. And it is kind of pathetic to act like an intellectual if one only scratches on the surface. For some moments such situations where people are stunned about me can give me a great feeling. Though I try not to be megalomaniac (manic) because of it. Most manic symptoms are completely useless. It does not matter what other people think of me when I am this fucking sad and unhappy. And my grades don't mean much when I am unable to work. Though I still have to acknowledge my success and I try to balance it. I try to be humble and I should not overestimate my abilities.
Congratulation for reading this self-absorbed and narcissistic thread! Holy fucking shit it is that long. Do I become manic again?
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