Help Got want I wanted but now what

[DSPinkman]

Hey, so over the past few months I've slowly been distancing away from all my friends and family to prepare myself for when I actually decide to CTB. I've succeeded in doing this and no one even really knows who I am anymore. Even though I got what I wanted I still feel sad and upset when I don't receive any text messages or anything from friends. I still want my friends but I don't want them to be hurt or anything when I decide to CTB hence the reason I've been cutting everyone off. I'm just not too sure where to go from here, I want my friends but It's already done I've already ghosted, gotten rid of, lost all my friends. Do I just stay isolated and alone until I have the courage to actually CTB? Or do I try to fix my friendships? I don't want to fix them because that would defeat the whole purpose of why I did it. I'm just confused not really sure what to do and I'd like to know if anyone else has had an experience like this and maybe some tips of where to go from here. (Also side note this is my first post, I've been an anonymous user for quite sometime)

 

[Holu]

You and me both lol. I still look through the messages hoping, and even when I do get a message I continue to ghost it or nonchalantly say, "I'm gud". I want to die, but even still I can't bring myself there. Maybe someday but not today. Since we are in somewhat similar boats I don't really have any good advice. I guess do whatever you feel is best. I hate to be the person to say sometimes there's no hope but honestly it really feels like there's no escaping or learning to live with the pain. Some of us were just doomed from the start.

 

[uniqueusername39]

I wouldn't CTB if I'm not 100% sure of it. If I were in your position, and I had doubts about CTBing, I would abort mission and contact friends and family again. However, if I'm still 100% determined, I probably would suck up the situation and entertain myself with something else, like a book or a hobby or a show or some other thing.

Personally, I don't think I'm capable of pushing the people I love away. I've tried but I keep coming back to them. I don't think I want to purposefully fuel my desire to CTB, because isolating myself will do just that. (I'm not saying you're causing your own suffering, this is just the way it is for me--you have your own way of loving them and that is to protect them from emotional harm. I think I'm too selfish to ever do what you're doing.) This desire just is. It ebbs and flows. I want to be helped and am struggling to help myself. It's just that some days are harder than others. :/

 

[Holu]

I wouldn't CTB if I'm not 100% sure of it. If I were in your position, and I had doubts about CTBing, I would abort mission and contact friends and family again. However, if I'm still 100% determined, I probably would suck up the situation and entertain myself with something else, like a book or a hobby or a show or some other thing.

Agreed, one should never catch that shit unless they are in a semi cognitive headspace. That being said as someone who has cut everyone off at least for me nothing fills that fucking void. No videogame, no amount of time at the gym, nothing. I just sink lower into my isolation and honestly I want it. Just another step closer to the end ig. Still tho, your advice is 100% correct just giving my horrible pessimistic perspective one why someone might not follow good advice.

 

[slugcat]

Hey, so over the past few months I've slowly been distancing away from all my friends and family to prepare myself for when I actually decide to CTB. I've succeeded in doing this and no one even really knows who I am anymore. Even though I got what I wanted I still feel sad and upset when I don't receive any text messages or anything from friends. I still want my friends but I don't want them to be hurt or anything when I decide to CTB hence the reason I've been cutting everyone off. I'm just not too sure where to go from here, I want my friends but It's already done I've already ghosted, gotten rid of, lost all my friends. Do I just stay isolated and alone until I have the courage to actually CTB? Or do I try to fix my friendships? I don't want to fix them because that would defeat the whole purpose of why I did it. I'm just confused not really sure what to do and I'd like to know if anyone else has had an experience like this and maybe some tips of where to go from here. (Also side note this is my first post, I've been an anonymous user for quite sometime)

God i wish i could help you, i wish i could give you some advice.

Saddly im in a similar situation, i had been dealing with great feelings of loneliness that simultaneously made me want to interact more and less with the people i cared about. But saddly, iv been feeling so tired of everything lately, i can't talk with them, i can't be with them, so i don't answer for days and hope that they will give up. Most of them did, but a few (2) of them still stayed and i don't know what i should do.

They are still here despite my awful mood swings, constant brain fog and the fact that im very inconsistant.
The only thing is that im actually a bad person, i'v done things that i haven't told them yet and that might destroy everything for good.
Leaving me alone with myself and leaving me to finaly die.
But the thing is, i still haven't told them the thing, and i keep pushing the moment where i will. I somhow still desperatly need them.
These questions give me great anxiety and i can't seem to solve them.

So ye seems like you are in a loosly similar situation and sadlly i have no solution. The only thing i could recommend, is not to ctb if you are still doubting, and try to talk to your remaining friends sometimes (in my situtation, even if i don't want to talk to them, when i start doing it, it sometimes makes me feel a little bit better, and for me its worth it). But ye don't know if the advice applies, sorry.

 

[uniqueusername39]

No videogame, no amount of time at the gym, nothing. I just sink lower into my isolation and honestly I want it. Just another step closer to the end ig.

I've been there, but I didn't want it. It's miserable to want to connect but can't. Until recently I've found a reason to hold on, but it doesn't feel enough to carry my weight, which is why I'm here.

 

[DSPinkman]

Agreed, one should never catch that shit unless they are in a semi cognitive headspace. That being said as someone who has cut everyone off at least for me nothing fills that fucking void. No videogame, no amount of time at the gym, nothing. I just sink lower into my isolation and honestly I want it. Just another step closer to the end ig. Still tho, your advice is 100% correct just giving my horrible pessimistic perspective one why someone might not follow good advice.

Man this is exactly what I mean. I've been trying to fill the void with other things to distract myself like going to the gym a ton but nothing has worked. I want to Die because I don't feel like there's anything else left for me to do. I'm not CTBing anytime soon I don't think but my social anxiety and everything have really took a turn for the worse, and I honestly don't know how I would go about getting my friends back. It's done and over with I just wish there was some sort of solution out of this pit I've dug myself in. Also I feel you on the fact that I also want the isolation, I feel like i deserve it. Just stuck between wanting to have friends, and not wanting to having friends, wanting to be isolated, and wanting a better life for myself. Feels like I want both options to a degree. It's all just very confusing

 

[Holu]

Man this is exactly what I mean. I've been trying to fill the void with other things to distract myself like going to the gym a ton but nothing has worked. I want to Die because I don't feel like there's anything else left for me to do. I'm not CTBing anytime soon I don't think but my social anxiety and everything have really took a turn for the worse, and I honestly don't know how I would go about getting my friends back. It's done and over with I just wish there was some sort of solution out of this pit I've dug myself in. Also I feel you on the fact that I also want the isolation, I feel like i deserve it. Just stuck between wanting to have friends, and not wanting to having friends, wanting to be isolated, and wanting a better life for myself. Feels like I want both options to a degree. It's all just very confusing

Wicked and unholy cant be saved :P. If your sticking around I suggest getting medication(if your not already on). Honestly I've done 12 years(I'm literally fucking 20) of therapy and shit doesn't work. Meds def helped, at least a bit. Might put you in that better headspace, which will allow you to make a better decision.
Hopefully this isn't too positive lmao ik recovery isn't always the right option but just figured I'd leave this out there

 

[DSPinkman]

God i wish i could help you, i wish i could give you some advice.

Saddly im in a similar situation, i had been dealing with great feelings of loneliness that simultaneously made me want to interact more and less with the people i cared about. But saddly, iv been feeling so tired of everything lately, i can't talk with them, i can't be with them, so i don't answer for days and hope that they will give up. Most of them did, but a few (2) of them still stayed and i don't know what i should do.

They are still here despite my awful mood swings, constant brain fog and the fact that im very inconsistant.
The only thing is that im actually a bad person, i'v done things that i haven't told them yet and that might destroy everything for good.
Leaving me alone with myself and leaving me to finaly die.
But the thing is, i still haven't told them the thing, and i keep pushing the moment where i will. I somhow still desperatly need them.
These questions give me great anxiety and i can't seem to solve them.

So ye seems like you are in a loosly similar situation and sadlly i have no solution. The only thing i could recommend, is not to ctb if you are still doubting, and try to talk to your remaining friends sometimes (in my situtation, even if i don't want to talk to them, when i start doing it, it sometimes makes me feel a little bit better, and for me its worth it). But ye don't know if the advice applies, sorry.

Even if you haven't technically got any advice hearing your situation helps, it really does feel like sometimes I'm the only one experiencing things like this. It's oddly comforting knowing I'm not the only one. I'm happy you've got some friends that have stuck with you no matter what, I've done some terrible things that I've never told anyone and probably never will. I wish there was an easy solution out of these messes

 

[Holu]

I've been there, but I didn't want it. It's miserable to want to connect but can't. Until recently I've found a reason to hold on, but it doesn't feel enough to carry my weight, which is why I'm here.

Not that you are saying that it gets better but honestly I have no hope or belief that it will. Life just seems to become worse. That being said I'm very very happy you found a reason to hold on. Maybe I'm wrong and shit will get better lmao. In that case it's for the best.
Hopefully both you and I, the OP and everyone on this fucking planet find something truly powerful enough to keep us going.

 

[DSPinkman]

Wicked and unholy cant be saved :P. If your sticking around I suggest getting medication(if your not already on). Honestly I've done 12 years(I'm literally fucking 20) of therapy and shit doesn't work. Meds def helped, at least a bit. Might put you in that better headspace, which will allow you to make a better decision.
Hopefully this isn't too positive lmao ik recovery isn't always the right option but just figured I'd leave this out there

I appreciate the advice. I've been thinking about getting on medication, should probably do that sooner rather than later :p

 

[uniqueusername39]

Man this is exactly what I mean. I've been trying to fill the void with other things to distract myself like going to the gym a ton but nothing has worked. I want to Die because I don't feel like there's anything else left for me to do. I'm not CTBing anytime soon I don't think but my social anxiety and everything have really took a turn for the worse, and I honestly don't know how I would go about getting my friends back. It's done and over with I just wish there was some sort of solution out of this pit I've dug myself in. Also I feel you on the fact that I also want the isolation, I feel like i deserve it. Just stuck between wanting to have friends, and not wanting to having friends, wanting to be isolated, and wanting a better life for myself. Feels like I want both options to a degree. It's all just very confusing

Maybe having your friends back is worth it. In my opinion happiness is worth every effort. Do you think you'll be happier when you're connected? Only if happiness is impossible would I forgo the idea and go through with CTB. Maybe you could invite one person for coffee with your treat and catch up to things? Man, sorry, I suck at advice, especially since I too want to CTB lol. But maybe reconnecting could be as simple as texting a hello.

 

[Holu]

I appreciate the advice. I've been thinking about getting on medication, should probably do that sooner rather than later :p

Fuck dude I heavily recommend. Aside from the two times I chugged my meds and ended up being very fucked they have been all around very solid

 

[DSPinkman]

Maybe having your friends back is worth it. In my opinion happiness is worth every effort. Do you think you'll be happier when you're connected? Only if happiness is impossible would I forgo the idea and go through with CTB. Maybe you could invite one person for coffee with your treat and catch up to things? Man, sorry, I suck at advice, especially since I too want to CTB lol. But maybe reconnecting could be as simple as texting a hello.

Facts. Any amount of happiness I could experience would be worth it. It's just hard, I haven't talked to most of them in several months. I really do just need to get the courage to text one of them but even that seems so hard now. I hover over the send button for several minutes sometimes. I've also seen my friends after I left them, they seem happier. Feels like they're better off without me, I don't like the thought of being a burden on them either which is another reason I've disassociated from them

Fuck dude I heavily recommend. Aside from the two times I chugged my meds and ended up being very fucked they have been all around very solid

I'm glad to hear that, most the time I hear medication never works in any way shape or form. But I'm glad it's had a mostly positive effect on you even if it is just a little bit, I'll definitely consider it. Thanks

 

[Veronica Sawyer]

Just stuck between wanting to have friends, and not wanting to having friends, wanting to be isolated, and wanting a better life for myself. Feels like I want both options to a degree. It's all just very confusing

I also relate to having confusing, contradictory feelings. I think it's something pretty common in mental illnesses - simultaneously wanting to do something in theory but also not wanting to due to depression and lack of motivation, stuff like that. It's really confusing and often people don't understand. It's really fucking tough, and I don't have any advice for this, but I can offer some empathy.

With regards to your original post, I think I can relate. My feelings fluctuate between wanting to cut myself off from everybody in my life and trying to be on my own, to feeling desperate for social connection, to the point where it feels unbearable. It just sucks because none of my current social connections feel satisfying in any way, like as soon as I'm away from people I just don't want to talk to anyone, I would rather be alone and sometimes the thought of interacting with others triggers such intense anxiety it's unbearable. So whenever I wish I had more friends or more people reaching out to me, it feels like just a fantasy, because I know even if I had more people reaching out to me, it wouldn't solve anything because the issue is with me and how I think about and engage with social situations.

I guess my reason for not ghosting everyone in my life yet is that, I think my social interactions still bring me some level of happiness, even if it's low and been getting worse with every month, so I am still clinging onto it for now. And second, I figure that if I CTB then I'm already inflicting pain upon these people, I imagine even if I hadn't talked with them for a year they would still be sad about it. So if you feel it's within your power to reach back out to those people you cut contact with, I would try it. I know the 12 steps has a thing about making amends with people, so maybe it can be healing to be honest about it. But ultimately, I haven't reached the point of cutting off people in my life, so I can't really say concretely what would work for you.

 

[Lon]

cutting everyone off is only worse for your own headspace, a lot worse. maybe try reaching out to some people? if you follow through, even the people you've cut off will be hurt, wish they had been there for you, wish they had noticed. Give them a chance to hear you, yeah?

 

[Holu]

cutting everyone off is only worse for your own headspace, a lot worse. maybe try reaching out to some people? if you follow through, even the people you've cut off will be hurt, wish they had been there for you, wish they had noticed. Give them a chance to hear you, yeah?

Ngl I'm pretty sure thats OP's intended point. Corrupt that headspace a bit more in order to make it easier to find the bus. That being said if you aren't already 6 feet deep in your own burial site then yes I agree wholeheartedly with wat ur sayin. Reach out, they still luv u

 

[Lon]

Ngl I'm pretty sure thats OP's intended point. Corrupt that headspace a bit more in order to make it easier to find the bus. That being said if you aren't already 6 feet deep in your own burial site then yes I agree wholeheartedly with wat ur sayin. Reach out, they still luv u

I can never agree with actively corrupting your own headspace. I always support exhausting every last option, no reason not to. Life can feel hopeless, and sometimes we find solace in despair as we become comfortable with it as a common headspace. I would only hope I can pull every person I can out of such a rut.

 

[DSPinkman]

I also relate to having confusing, contradictory feelings. I think it's something pretty common in mental illnesses - simultaneously wanting to do something in theory but also not wanting to due to depression and lack of motivation, stuff like that. It's really confusing and often people don't understand. It's really fucking tough, and I don't have any advice for this, but I can offer some empathy.

With regards to your original post, I think I can relate. My feelings fluctuate between wanting to cut myself off from everybody in my life and trying to be on my own, to feeling desperate for social connection, to the point where it feels unbearable. It just sucks because none of my current social connections feel satisfying in any way, like as soon as I'm away from people I just don't want to talk to anyone, I would rather be alone and sometimes the thought of interacting with others triggers such intense anxiety it's unbearable. So whenever I wish I had more friends or more people reaching out to me, it feels like just a fantasy, because I know even if I had more people reaching out to me, it wouldn't solve anything because the issue is with me and how I think about and engage with social situations.

I guess my reason for not ghosting everyone in my life yet is that, I think my social interactions still bring me some level of happiness, even if it's low and been getting worse with every month, so I am still clinging onto it for now. And second, I figure that if I CTB then I'm already inflicting pain upon these people, I imagine even if I hadn't talked with them for a year they would still be sad about it. So if you feel it's within your power to reach back out to those people you cut contact with, I would try it. I know the 12 steps has a thing about making amends with people, so maybe it can be healing to be honest about it. But ultimately, I haven't reached the point of cutting off people in my life, so I can't really say concretely what would work for you.

I wish I still had any sort of joy with social interactions. Whenever I have any I just try to make it funny and get out of there as quick as possible, I'm worried that if I did end up contacting my friends again I would definitely mess it up. It's been several months for most of them. And I still have strong feelings about wanting to CTB so I would just be causing them unnecessary worry and trouble which is the reason I've cut them off in the first place. I know people will still be sad if I go but of course they will, I just want to lessen the blow that my passing would have on their lives and I feel I've successfully done that. It's just now I'm stuck in this awful mental middle ground where I want them to care for me but I know that's exactly what I don't want. Every interaction I have now I make quick and unsuspecting no one knows who I really am and the things that I've done. My ability to actually socially interact is just gone, it's just quick quips to diffuse an interaction so I can make my escape. I don't even know if I'd be able to talk to my friends normally again is what I'm saying, I've been isolating for so long I'm not even sure how to build a relationship or connection (Sorry this kind of went off the rails, I appreciate your advice)