tiredplant777
Student
- Jul 23, 2021
- 196
I don't know what to say right now because it has made such a difference, I'm kind of shocked. First of all I want to say that I know meditation doesn't work for everyone and it hasn't always worked for me in the past either. I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't meditate or that it will save you, but I would say definitely try it if you feel open to it. If it works or helps in any way it's great because it's free (as long as you have free time, which I haven't in a while), no substances involved, it's pretty accessible. I have had spiritual experiences in the past, and survived some heavy trauma through listening to Eckhart Tolle, so that may be why it worked well for me in this instance.
In any case, for a while now I've had a pretty big crush on someone. I hardly see them though, and I think this crush ended up being more of a coping mechanism to latch onto something, some hope for human connection. I experienced emotional (and actually some physical) neglect as a child, as well as emotional abuse and sexual abuse, and I think this has caused me to have intense attachment issues that romantic love can exasperate. In any case, I had a small interaction with my "crush" and then realized, hey this person probably doesn't like me back. I spiralled really intensely, as unfortunately I had made this my only touchstone in my imagination. It was painful because I suddenly felt all of the loneliness and isolation I had been avoiding through living out this crush in my imagination. It became a huge trigger, and I fell into hopelessness, which was dumb because it was over a tiny interaction. But I also realized that like, I'm super isolated in general, I don't really have a strong community where I live. I do have friends, but they live far away from me mostly, and most of them are married and busy with work and kids. I'm in my 30's so this might help explain the weird flux a single person can fall into at this age.
So this morning I still felt suicidal and I was just like, ok I am going to meditate. I did so and I had this experience where it was like, I was able to come out of being in a really dense physical/material state that required only physical connection to feel love, and it was like I sort of got less dense and was able to connect with and be comforted by a more divine and unconditional love. It feels like I've literally been cleansed or something, and I don't feel hopeless and suicidal anymore.
I'm not saying this is going to fix or my problems or all of my suffering, but holy crap it feels so much better to be here and not in that hopeless space anymore. To feel connected to something and not feel like connection to others is such a desperate thing.
Thank you for reading.
In any case, for a while now I've had a pretty big crush on someone. I hardly see them though, and I think this crush ended up being more of a coping mechanism to latch onto something, some hope for human connection. I experienced emotional (and actually some physical) neglect as a child, as well as emotional abuse and sexual abuse, and I think this has caused me to have intense attachment issues that romantic love can exasperate. In any case, I had a small interaction with my "crush" and then realized, hey this person probably doesn't like me back. I spiralled really intensely, as unfortunately I had made this my only touchstone in my imagination. It was painful because I suddenly felt all of the loneliness and isolation I had been avoiding through living out this crush in my imagination. It became a huge trigger, and I fell into hopelessness, which was dumb because it was over a tiny interaction. But I also realized that like, I'm super isolated in general, I don't really have a strong community where I live. I do have friends, but they live far away from me mostly, and most of them are married and busy with work and kids. I'm in my 30's so this might help explain the weird flux a single person can fall into at this age.
So this morning I still felt suicidal and I was just like, ok I am going to meditate. I did so and I had this experience where it was like, I was able to come out of being in a really dense physical/material state that required only physical connection to feel love, and it was like I sort of got less dense and was able to connect with and be comforted by a more divine and unconditional love. It feels like I've literally been cleansed or something, and I don't feel hopeless and suicidal anymore.
I'm not saying this is going to fix or my problems or all of my suffering, but holy crap it feels so much better to be here and not in that hopeless space anymore. To feel connected to something and not feel like connection to others is such a desperate thing.
Thank you for reading.
