Got into college. Still probably gonna CtB

[Kerock]

Like the title says I was able to achieve one of my goals of getting into university(in community college so basically I got good universities to transfer). Originally if I was in Highschool I'd be super stoked and excited. But I feel the exact opposite. Even though this is like super duper good news, I can't feel much other than, "Oh wow I got into a good uni....Fucckkkkkkkkkkk". Im not sure if it's the now added pressure of getting out of my comfort zone and actually start trying or something else. I honestly can't see myself doing well and just end up dropping out and wasting everyones time. I mean looking back the only reason why I still continued academia and not get a job right after fucking up in highschool was to prove both to myself and to my friends that im not a complete dumbass and I could get into a good uni if I tried. A bonafide mental dick measuring contest. But now that I achieved it I don't really see any real reason to continue moving forward and not just ending it now. I feel like even if I transfer, I wouldnt get the "full college experience" of drinking, partying, fucking n all that jazz. I would most likely just slow down in my major and eventually drop out. Wasting both my time and money. And after that I will most likely end it there. People say life starts once your 20 or out of college. Well I recently turned 20 and I realized how much I lost and how near my end is. Instead of being athletic and joyful back in highschool, Im basically a fat lazy shut-in/borderline NEET. I cant sleep without porn and all I do in my day is sleep via boredom, anime, or games. Im basically degenerating in my room. And while yeah college would be a great change in enviorment, my deppression/suicidal ideation stemming from health problems, child abuse, and mistakes wouldnt change my behavior. I feel like the amount of stress and genetic issues makes me feel like im 40 years old instead of 20. And that it's only downhill from here. People say im too lazy or self absorbed and maybe they have a point. But it honestly doesent change the fact that Im gonna end my life one way or another. Just only depends on the circumstances that lead up to that point and how dignified/respected Ill be at that moment.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Well, despite how you're feeling I believe some congratulations are in order.

If you feel your mental health isn't up to it it may make sense to put off transferring. But for many people school is beneficial to their mental health especially if they find little actual benefit in being idle and aimless as you say you are.

The college must have had faith in your academic abilities if it accepted you.

Why couldn't you still party and hook up? There are still two years left.

I don't think your future is as set as it seems to you.

 

[todienomore]

 

[Kerock]

Well, despite how you're feeling I believe some congratulations are in order.

If you feel your mental health isn't up to it it may make sense to put off transferring. But for many people school is beneficial to their mental health especially if they find little actual benefit in being idle and aimless as you say you are.

The college must have had faith in your academic abilities if it accepted you.

Why couldn't you still party and hook up? There are still two years left.

I don't think your future is as set as it seems to you.

I guess so. I guess it's just fear of the unknown aswell as a part of me feels like despite leaving the place of abuse and stress for 99% of my life(my parents and "home") I'm still gonna fuck up and then I may have to move back in. Especially how uncertain these times with covid and the economy. Im just always haunted by the thought of "No matter how far or where you are, your gonna fuck up and your gonna return to the hell hole you call your parents and home."

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I guess so. I guess it's just fear of the unknown aswell as a part of me feels like despite leaving the place of abuse and stress for 99% of my life(my parents and "home") I'm still gonna fuck up and then I may have to move back in. Especially how uncertain these times with covid and the economy. Im just always haunted by the thought of "No matter how far or where you are, your gonna fuck up and your gonna return to the hell hole you call your parents and home."

Well, that's not a given at all and you owe it to yourself to at least try first. Not to tell you "be positive!!!!" but for now you don't have any reason to jump to the worst-case scenario.

 

[endless_pain]

I feel like the amount of stress and genetic issues makes me feel like im 40 years old instead of 20.

I can relate to the feeling of being older than our age, in fact this is a real thing due to how we've grown in a toxic environment.

 

[Kerock]

I can relate to the feeling of being older than our age, in fact this is a real thing due to how we've grown in a toxic environment.

Yeah, the weird health issues like suddenly getting high cholesterol and that I may have to start getting statins aswell as hair loss and wrinkles from stress is honestly the icing on the cake for me and just confirms that I'll always feel and look 10-20 years older than I actually am

 

[Rob1984]

That's a great achievement. Good job!!

I wouldnt get the "full college experience" of drinking, partying, fucking n all that jazz

You watch too many movies lol. Yes, there are people who live out this fantasy. But there are a ton of people who don't drink, party, or fuck during college. I do get the feeling though that you feel you will waste your time at college if you don't do any of these things, which is a shame, because college can be an incredible experience without those hollywood cliches. You will be more independent, will be in a position to meet more people (especially more mature people compared to teens in HS), and you'll be in a great learning environment. Hopefully you would pick a major you actually enjoy. In my humble opinion, you should get the degree just for yourself. Up until this point, it was about proving to others that you are not a dumbass. But a college degree is much more than proving to people what you are capable of. It's an opportunity to expand your mind with some really intelligent individuals.

Anyway, whatever you choose... congrats on the achievement. I'm sure you put a good amount of work into it.