Story Got into an accident and my friend didn't survive

[mcrmybeloved]

I haven't logged into this account for a while now but I feel this is the only place that will understand me.

A couple weeks ago I got into a really nasty accident on a motorcycle, my friend was driving us when a car ran a stop sign, hit us from the side and left, I was unconscious on and off so I don't remember much but I have a vague memory of hearing someone saying that my friend didn't survive the accident, I halfway woke up in the ambulance (second one since apparently I was rushed to one hospital just to be taken to another one) and my mom was there so I asked about my friend and she told me I shouldn't worry which basically confirmed everything, I was hospitalized since I fractured a bunch of bones and ended up getting surgery to be able to walk again which I'm still recovering from, this whole time I've been told I should be grateful I survived and stuff along those lines but I can't, I feel guilty for surviving and deep down I also feel envious, both my friend and I have dealt with suicidal thoughts and somewhat I feel happy they were relieved from this reality but also they actually had dreams they were following while I've been waisting my time doing nothing with my life, seems like a bad joke that I'm the one that survived.

I can't seem to find the words to describe how I'm feeling, I couldn't even attend their funeral and everyone wants me to be happy about being alive when I'm in constant pain and I can't stand up...

 

[bellaisdonewithlife]

Oh man that's so sad. I'm sorry to hear this. I hope the physical pain improves for you. I know it's easy to say, but you shouldn't feel guilty for surviving.

 

[scary]

I'm so goddamn sorry you had to go through that. The person who ran the stop sign should be the one facing the consequences, not you and your friend. Please don't feel "guilty" for this, mcr. I really hope you recover physically and the pain lessens. I've personally never been in a car accident but one of my family members has and it's terrible all around, I'm sorry I can't do anything besides giving my condolences through a message board.
The envy for other people passing away in one's life is not lost on me, I very much experience that too and it's a weird feeling. You of course feel like shit for someone passing away but the suicidal ideation in your brain just can't help but wish you were in their shoes and situation. Again I'm sorry you had to go through that, I don't think you should beat yourself up for having these thoughts and feelings

 

[bun]

My deepest condolences, i say this with all of my empathy that your friend felt so safe and secure with you up until the moment they passed, the incident most likely happened very fast that what was happening didn't register to them, your friend would not want you to carry this guilt, they died in the good hands of someone they trusted, neither of you knew what the inevitable was, I pray for you, and your friend to be at peace, i wish you good health and healing 'mcrmybeloved' you are stronger than you know, this won't be the last time you see your friend, just remember.

Lots of love, Bun.