Got an unexpected text tonight and I’m struggling

[its-about-time]

If you actually read all this, thank you. I'm just really struggling.

I got a text someone I ended contact with a little over a month ago. I've talked about her on here before but basically she's someone I have been very emotionally close to and dependent on for years.

I've never been able to hide anything from her. I was a huge emotional burden. After my attempt in November I just couldn't forgive myself. I put her through so much emotional suffering because of my self-hatred. We love each other. I just couldn't keep hurting her. I ended contact for other reasons too, but that was most of it.

She texted me tonight and I damn near had a heart attack. She said she has tried to keep silent but needed to check in to make sure I'm alright. Said she's been having nightmares about me a lot recently.

I swear that woman has a telepathic connection to me.

She asked if I'm suicidal. I've always told her and she's the one who has had to call police multiple times to get me help. I ruin my own suicide plans every time by doing that. Not this time. I don't want help this time. I wanted desperately to tell her everything tonight but knew I couldn't.

So I told her about what's going on with my physical health instead. The whole maybe-cancer thing. I didn't want to tell her that either until I know for sure but well it was all I could do to not tell her "oh yeah I bought poison to kill myself."

God I feel like shit. Just fucking shit. I want to never hurt her again. I wanted and tried so hard for years to be better for her and I just kept crashing and burning. I don't want to go back to torturing her with my suffering. I just want her to be okay. I distanced myself so she could recover from me and here I am. Torturing her again. At least not as bad as telling her what I've been up to.

I want to kill myself. But I don't believe that my suffering is more important than hers. I'd rather suffer for a thousand years than do something that would hurt her so badly. The no contact has given me space to pretend she'd be okay if I died. But she's having nightmares every night about me dying just from not knowing. She always said if I died, she'd have to die too. Maybe it was just a guilt trip but how could I ever put her through something like that.

I just hate all this. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Period. But I wish she had never known me, for her sake. I'd give up all those years if it meant she wouldn't have to go through the pain of me dying. Or the years of pain I've already put her through.

Sorry guys I'm just venting. I feel so sad. I'm crying. I never cry anymore. I wish things were so different. I wish I wasn't such a burden on those I love. I wish I could just get better but I've tried so so hard for so so long and I just can't get there.

 

[todestrieb]

Sounds like you're making decisions for her on her behalf, when she's very much capable of making her own. I think, since you've already gotten yourself to cut ties anyway, you should lay it all bare for her. Tell her why you chose to step away, tell her how much she means to you and why you feel like leaving was the best choice. If nothing else, she gets closure but so do you. I know as well as anybody what it feels like to be an emotional leech draining everybody you love, trust me, but I often wish I had that one person who showed a glimmer of care so I could bleed my heart dry and see if they stay. You're already low, what if reconciling these emotions takes a heavy burden off your soul?

 

[its-about-time]

Sounds like you're making decisions for her on her behalf, when she's very much capable of making her own. I think, since you've already gotten yourself to cut ties anyway, you should lay it all bare for her. Tell her why you chose to step away, tell her how much she means to you and why you feel like leaving was the best choice. If nothing else, she gets closure but so do you. I know as well as anybody what it feels like to be an emotional leech draining everybody you love, trust me, but I often wish I had that one person who showed a glimmer of care so I could bleed my heart dry and see if they stay. You're already low, what if reconciling these emotions takes a heavy burden off your soul?

Thanks for taking the time. What you've described is 100% what I've always done, right up to ending contact. And she has amazed me by staying. I will never understood why she stayed with me through everything I put her through. I just figured it was because she was secretly worried I'd kill myself if she left. Honestly that's not a far-fetched fear. So, I felt she was just stuck with me. She does love me though, in the sense she really cares about me. I just can't comprehend that. I'm not worth that in my eyes.

I could consider laying everything bare as you mentioned but it would result in her taking action. She knows me very very well and knows that my having SN on hand means I am a pretty big risk to impulsively taking it, despite all the guilt I'd feel over hurting her. Simply, she'd call either the police or my mom (who would then call police), and wham, we're right back to me putting her in an awful position where she's yet again trying to save my life. Just back to emotionally torturing her with my self-hatred and death wish. Precisely what I'm trying to avoid.

Honestly, all the pain she'd feel aside, my death is the better option. She will never have to worry about me again, regardless whether we're speaking or not. She will have to grieve, but it would be the last time I hurt her. Better than tormenting her repeatedly for years to come.

 

[Al_stargate]

Sorry, it's a lot harder when you have someone who really cares for you and you have a deep connection too. I had a person like that but they're out of my life for a long time. I can't imagine how hard it would be if that person was still around. To see me in this position would be crushing for me and her. I take some comfort knowing that she'll likely not know I'm gone and think everything is fine. Don't know your problems but sorry about what you're dealing with.

 

[its-about-time]

Sorry, it's a lot harder when you have someone who really cares for you and you have a deep connection too. I had a person like that but they're out of my life for a long time. I can't imagine how hard it would be if that person was still around. To see me in this position would be crushing for me and her. I take some comfort knowing that she'll likely not know I'm gone and think everything is fine. Don't know your problems but sorry about what you're dealing with.

Thank you, I appreciate that I guess we're lucky to have experienced it at all in life. I think unconditional love is rare. Just breaks my heart further.

 

[rationaltake]

I think unconditional love is rare. Just breaks my heart further.

I get this. One of the reasons I want to ctb is that I can never be the person others deserve me to be.

 

[Al_stargate]

I get this. One of the reasons I want to ctb is that I can never be the person others deserve me to be.

Well, you can try being that person for yourself, life is not about others. But I don't wanna be a smartass.

 

[rationaltake]

Well, you can try being that person for yourself, life is not about others. But I don't wanna be a smartass.

I understand what you're saying. I refuse to accept certain things I can never change. And I'm old too.

 

[its-about-time]

I get this. One of the reasons I want to ctb is that I can never be the person others deserve me to be.

Well, you can try being that person for yourself, life is not about others. But I don't wanna be a smartass.

It sucks to give something your best effort, not just once but repeatedly over half a decade, and still fail miserably every single time.

I've tried learning to love myself or to be my own motivation for "being better." It doesn't work. The best I have ever been able to do is someone else being my motivation to live and do well. And even then, I inevitably go off the deep end regularly…

 

[rationaltake]

It sucks to give something your best effort, not just once but repeatedly over half a decade, and still fail miserably every single time.

I've tried learning to love myself or to be my own motivation for "being better." It doesn't work. The best I have ever been able to do is someone else being my motivation to live and do well. And even then, I inevitably go off the deep end regularly…

I find I can't unlearn OCD. Or any of my other mental conditions.

Sorry things haven't worked out for you either.

 

[Britvik]

She will have to grieve, but it would be the last time I hurt her. Better than tormenting her repeatedly for years to come.

Unfortunately, it might not be the last time you hurt her. I'm sorry. I don't want to make you feel worse, but if I don't say what I believe, what's the point? It sounds like she loves you. In which case, your ctb would probably affect her repeatedly throughout her life. Pain can lessen with time, though, which might offer some small comfort.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

It sucks to give something your best effort, not just once but repeatedly over half a decade, and still fail miserably every single time.

I've tried learning to love myself or to be my own motivation for "being better." It doesn't work. The best I have ever been able to do is someone else being my motivation to live and do well. And even then, I inevitably go off the deep end regularly…

I know right? I'm so tired of giving my best to others and never being enough. I'm always the person who falls in love and it's not reciprocated.

 

[todestrieb]

Thanks for taking the time. What you've described is 100% what I've always done, right up to ending contact. And she has amazed me by staying. I will never understood why she stayed with me through everything I put her through. I just figured it was because she was secretly worried I'd kill myself if she left. Honestly that's not a far-fetched fear. So, I felt she was just stuck with me. She does love me though, in the sense she really cares about me. I just can't comprehend that. I'm not worth that in my eyes.

I could consider laying everything bare as you mentioned but it would result in her taking action. She knows me very very well and knows that my having SN on hand means I am a pretty big risk to impulsively taking it, despite all the guilt I'd feel over hurting her. Simply, she'd call either the police or my mom (who would then call police), and wham, we're right back to me putting her in an awful position where she's yet again trying to save my life. Just back to emotionally torturing her with my self-hatred and death wish. Precisely what I'm trying to avoid.

Honestly, all the pain she'd feel aside, my death is the better option. She will never have to worry about me again, regardless whether we're speaking or not. She will have to grieve, but it would be the last time I hurt her. Better than tormenting her repeatedly for years to come.

You don't have to include specifics. She knows about your ideation and it's already implied the details aren't important, the emotions are. She's well aware of your current mindset, she's in tune with you. Talk to her. Let her be your comfort for a minute, so that you can be hers too.

 

[its-about-time]

Unfortunately, it might not be the last time you hurt her. I'm sorry. I don't want to make you feel worse, but if I don't say what I believe, what's the point? It sounds like she loves you. In which case, your ctb would probably affect her repeatedly throughout her life. Pain can lessen with time, though, which might offer some small comfort.

She does love me, and I love her, neither of us question that. What do you mean by that it could affect her repeatedly throughout her life? That would be even worse…

You don't have to include specifics. She knows about your ideation and it's already implied the details aren't important, the emotions are. She's well aware of your current mindset, she's in tune with you. Talk to her. Let her be your comfort for a minute, so that you can be hers too.

Okay, I'll figure out what to say to her. I think I have some ideas. Thank you for saying that and helping me come to this decision. I think you're right it would comfort her to know what's going on with me because it's obvious not knowing is hurting her.

 

[Britvik]

She does love me, and I love her, neither of us question that. What do you mean by that it could affect her repeatedly throughout her life? That would be even worse…

I know plenty of people who mourn the loss of a loved one years after they've passed away. I don't think the sadness is reduced if the loved one died by suicide. It's even possible it could make the person feel more sad, especially if they ruminate over what they could've done to prevent it. My worst nightmare is that one of my children decides to end their life. That would break me. I don't know how I'd ever recover from that.

I obviously don't know the details of your life and I would never judge someone for deciding to ctb. You must do with your life what you want. I just don't think someone who loves you would get over it as easily as you might want. Again, I'm sorry. I could also be wrong.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are struggling, it sounds painful what you are going through. It really is so dreadful when everything seems hopeless. I hope you find relief from your pain in whatever happens.

 

[its-about-time]

I know plenty of people who mourn the loss of a loved one years after they've passed away. I don't think the sadness is reduced if the loved one died by suicide. It's even possible it could make the person feel more sad, especially if they ruminate over what they could've done to prevent it. My worst nightmare is that one of my children decides to end their life. That would break me. I don't know how I'd ever recover from that.

I obviously don't know the details of your life and I would never judge someone for deciding to ctb. You must do with your life what you want. I just don't think someone who loves you would get over it as easily as you might want. Again, I'm sorry. I could also be wrong.

Thanks for explaining. I don't think you're wrong. If anything you're just confirming things she's said to me in the past. It's easier to think she'd just grieve then move on. The distance I've had from her the last 5 weeks has let me more easily pretend she'd be fine if I died. But the reality is probably far from that. I see a couple other users here who want to ctb because they lost their life love (through suicide or other death). I'd be doing that to her. The thought destroys me.

I don't know what my ultimate course of action will be. But this is a significant factor that will tip the scale one way or another for me. It's heavy to think about. Really heavy. I'll talk to her about it and my therapist next week.

 

[Britvik]

Thanks for explaining. I don't think you're wrong. If anything you're just confirming things she's said to me in the past. It's easier to think she'd just grieve then move on. The distance I've had from her the last 5 weeks has let me more easily pretend she'd be fine if I died. But the reality is probably far from that. I see a couple other users here who want to ctb because they lost their life love (through suicide or other death). I'd be doing that to her. The thought destroys me.

I don't know what my ultimate course of action will be. But this is a significant factor that will tip the scale one way or another for me. It's heavy to think about. Really heavy. I'll talk to her about it and my therapist next week.

You sound very self-aware, compassionate and intelligent. It's no wonder she loves you! Take care and keep us informed (if you want to, obviously).

 

[its-about-time]

You sound very self-aware, compassionate and intelligent. It's no wonder she loves you! Take care and keep us informed (if you want to, obviously).

I will. Thank you. I'm in tears but it's good to be feeling something. Thank you for your conversation

 

[todestrieb]

You seem like a pretty cool person. It'd be a waste of good opportunity to disappear into the nether without ever trying. Sometimes we all need a little glimmer of hope. I do so hope you find some kind of comfort. You seem to be unwinding the more I read your replies, and that gives me feels.

 

[its-about-time]

You seem like a pretty cool person. It'd be a waste of good opportunity to disappear into the nether without ever trying. Sometimes we all need a little glimmer of hope. I do so hope you find some kind of comfort. You seem to be unwinding the more I read your replies, and that gives me feels.

Thanks. I have certainly tried. I've been in intensive outpatient programs and in and out of the hospital since I was 19, when my brain up and left the planet. Don't feel like it ever quite returned. Sometimes it's better sometimes it's worse. But I'm about to turn 26 and 7 years of working my ass off in therapy, taking every anti psychotic on the market among other meds, committing myself to being better just to have another episode come pull me back into space… I dunno. I'm just over trying. I'm a jellyfish now. Riding the tide out to sea. Things may be unstable right now but I really just don't care anymore.

It's hard. I feel so calm and cool right now. Slowed down. But throughout the day my brain lately has just been going haywire. I can't explain why. But I know exactly where this leads. Back into the hole of another episode. I don't want this anymore. But, jellyfish. Just be a jellyfish.

I hope I find comfort too. Thanks for saying that. I hope the same for you. We all deserve it. I just don't believe it will ever actually come. I'm done hoping. I think many others here (maybe you even) are familiar with that mindset. It just is what it is I guess. If I was truly a jellyfish, I don't think I'd have to endure consciousness.

 

[todestrieb]

Thanks. I have certainly tried. I've been in intensive outpatient programs and in and out of the hospital since I was 19, when my brain up and left the planet. Don't feel like it ever quite returned. Sometimes it's better sometimes it's worse. But I'm about to turn 26 and 7 years of working my ass off in therapy, taking every anti psychotic on the market among other meds, committing myself to being better just to have another episode come pull me back into space… I dunno. I'm just over trying. I'm a jellyfish now. Riding the tide out to sea. Things may be unstable right now but I really just don't care anymore.

It's hard. I feel so calm and cool right now. Slowed down. But throughout the day my brain lately has just been going haywire. I can't explain why. But I know exactly where this leads. Back into the hole of another episode. I don't want this anymore. But, jellyfish. Just be a jellyfish.

I hope I find comfort too. Thanks for saying that. I hope the same for you. We all deserve it. I just don't believe it will ever actually come. I'm done hoping. I think many others here (maybe you even) are familiar with that mindset. It just is what it is I guess. If I was truly a jellyfish, I don't think I'd have to endure consciousness.

My husband always told me "it is what it is" so when he left me so abruptly that resonated with me. I never wanted to lose him, but he couldn't hold on anymore. He was my little jellyfish, lost in the ocean. I like that metaphor you have there. I feel the same way you do, but I've never been one to roll over without a fight. I've just about lost all the fight in me, but I think we all deserve the opportunity to stick it to the world first.

 

[affinity]

Honestly, all the pain she'd feel aside, my death is the better option. She will never have to worry about me again, regardless whether we're speaking or not.

Dude…I know this isn't a popular sentiment here, but I really, and I mean really, doubt this is or would be true.

We women folk are pretty good at predicting such things and I've myself have had multiple predictive dreams. She's having nightmares because she senses you're in danger. You sound like you are.

I don't know your personal circumstances or what factors have lead you to why you're here, so I won't pontificate. But…it sounds like you have someone who loves you very much and she sounds like someone who is worth fighting through whatever you're experiencing. You wouldn't be in such distress after having the call if you didn't agree deep down. You're conflicted and that's a pretty rational way of thinking.

This isn't to say that you need to be miserable for forever to avoid hurting someone. This is to say that with time & assistance (remember, you are still very, very young), maybe, just maybe, you could have something very worthwhile where you're both content for the most part.

 

[its-about-time]

My husband always told me "it is what it is" so when he left me so abruptly that resonated with me. I never wanted to lose him, but he couldn't hold on anymore. He was my little jellyfish, lost in the ocean. I like that metaphor you have there. I feel the same way you do, but I've never been one to roll over without a fight. I've just about lost all the fight in me, but I think we all deserve the opportunity to stick it to the world first.

I'm sorry you have had to go (and continue to go) through that kind of loss. It's difficult to even imagine.

I've lost my desire to keep trying to make things better. The jellyfish thing is working for now because I'm just coasting and not really feeling much of what's happening. Misery feels just elating and fun if anything. Everything I've put into deciding and planning suicide over the last couple weeks has been an emotionless experience until she texted me yesterday. I'm going to try to invoke your stubbornness to keep fighting for awhile

Dude…I know this isn't a popular sentiment here, but I really, and I mean really, doubt this is or would be true.

We women folk are pretty good at predicting such things and I've myself have had multiple predictive dreams. She's having nightmares because she senses you're in danger. You sound like you are.

I don't know your personal circumstances or what factors have lead you to why you're here, so I won't pontificate. But…it sounds like you have someone who loves you very much and she sounds like someone who is worth fighting through whatever you're experiencing. You wouldn't be in such distress after having the call if you didn't agree deep down. You're conflicted and that's a pretty rational way of thinking.

This isn't to say that you need to be miserable for forever to avoid hurting someone. This is to say that with time & assistance (remember, you are still very, very young), maybe, just maybe, you could have something very worthwhile where you're both content for the most part.

I really appreciate you saying that. It has always felt like she has some telepathic connection to me and I believe that. She just knows things. Even after a month of no contact, she just knew. That blows my mind.

I was very happy with my decision to die before she reached out yesterday. My SN will be here this week and I'm impulsive often enough, I don't think it would've taken me too long to take it. You are spot on that I am absolutely conflicted now. Hearing from her was the last thing I ever expected but it has slapped me in the face with how much I would wreck her by killing myself. I was telling myself how much better off she is without me and how relieved she must be. Not accurate I guess.

I don't really know what's going to happen next, with anything. I'm going to have a conversation with her though about where my mindset has been in these last weeks. She knows anyways I'm just going to confirm. I'm not willing to get rid of my SN at this time though. No telling if I'll wind up taking it or not. But in this moment, I'd rather stay alive for her sake. She doesn't deserve that kind of pain, ever. If I end up killing myself, I hope I'd go to hell to suffer for it.

 

[affinity]

I don't really know what's going to happen next, with anything. I'm going to have a conversation with her though about where my mindset has been in these last weeks. She knows anyways I'm just going to confirm. I'm not willing to get rid of my SN at this time though. No telling if I'll wind up taking it or not. But in this moment, I'd rather stay alive for her sake. She doesn't deserve that kind of pain, ever. If I end up killing myself, I hope I'd go to hell to suffer for it.

I don't know your history as a couple, nor do I know where her mental state is at, but having a frank convo with her might be wise and it will at least answer her questions/worries.

I appreciate it's likely eye roll inducing to recommend, but it would be helpful for you both to sit down with a therapist so that you could safely share what you need to share and she could be given the supports she needs for both herself and for you. Kind of like a support system for both of you.

I know treating mental health conditions is a long, annoying AF and often without reward process. You end up wondering whether this is really worth it, especially when you're not seeing the changes you want.

From the sounds of things, you are wayyyy too hard on yourself. Like, I know you wouldn't talk to someone else like you talk to and about yourself. Finding a way to address your self loathing or hatred can go a lonnng ass way. It's just figuring out how to do that with your set of circumstances. I'll shut up now before I receive the downvotes or accusations of being a pro-lifer. Hope you stick around though (not here, but in general), sounds like you've got some great things to stick around for and again, it may not feel like it, but 26 is still very young and believe me, things can turn around in a New York minute. Okay I'll shut up.

One last comment….

RE SN: just based on the materials here, this isn't a substance that should be taken impulsively. I appreciate you're not going to throw it away as it's not exactly the easiest to obtain these days, but please keep this is mind (you probably already know, but just in case).

 

[its-about-time]

I don't know your history as a couple, nor do I know where her mental state is at, but having a frank convo with her might be wise and it will at least answer her questions/worries.

I appreciate it's likely eye roll inducing to recommend, but it would be helpful for you both to sit down with a therapist so that you could safely share what you need to share and she could be given the supports she needs for both herself and for you. Kind of like a support system for both of you.

I know treating mental health conditions is a long, annoying AF and often without reward process. You end up wondering whether this is really worth it, especially when you're not seeing the changes you want.

From the sounds of things, you are wayyyy too hard on yourself. Like, I know you wouldn't talk to someone else like you talk to and about yourself. Finding a way to address your self loathing or hatred can go a lonnng ass way. It's just figuring out how to do that with your set of circumstances. I'll shut up now before I receive the downvotes or accusations of being a pro-lifer. Hope you stick around though (not here, but in general), sounds like you've got some great things to stick around for and again, it may not feel like it, but 26 is still very young and believe me, things can turn around in a New York minute. Okay I'll shut up.

One last comment….

RE SN: just based on the materials here, this isn't a substance that should be taken impulsively. I appreciate you're not going to throw it away as it's not exactly the easiest to obtain these days, but please keep this is mind (you probably already know, but just in case).

I ended up having a conversation with her about where my mindset has been and it was really helpful, to both of us I think. It was an emotional conversation and I'm glad I told her.

I do think that that conversation & having a much clearer image now of how my suicide would impact her (and others but I really mostly care about her) has had a strong effect on what will come next. I was happy with impulsively killing myself because I didn't care about getting better. I still don't, but I DO care about not hurting her, so that's a strong reason not to do it.

Impulsivity happens and I'm not going to try to remove all chance of me taking it—it's right in my closet (came early!) and will stay there. I just think it's far less likely now than it was before she texted me and before I got all these comments here. If I take it then I take it, but I don't feel as "guns ho" about the whole thing.

Continuing to jellyfish, basically!