I fucked up because I hesitated. I got 5150'd. Said my good byes to someone. Texted and spoke to them on the phone. I became tired after the talk, after crying. After saying "bye" to end the call, I drove to head home from where I planned to end it. By the time I got home, I got a call from a new number. It was my fucking coworker, with my now ex and the paramedics on the line asking me where I was. Aggressively asking where I was and eventually switching the call over to the cop. She spoke to me and kept asking me whether I said I wanted to kill myself. I was far too vulnerable that night and fell for their psychological tactics.
Realizing that the gun was right next to me, I dropped it off a few blocks away to hide it.
They cuffed me, went to the facilities, then got checked-in.
I spent the next 48+ hours surrounded by unstable patients. I lost control of everything. Lost control of how I can deal with my own life. They fed me meds and it made me feel mostly numb until it finally left my system today. While it did made me feel numb, I still wanted to kill myself deep inside and kept thinking about the gun I left somewhere. Hoping it hasn't been found by someone else.
Got out finally and got the gun back. I got close again yesterday, but I can't seem to do it. After causing more problems with the person whom I spoke to last night, I was hoping it'd be enough to motivate me, but it wasn't. I sat in my car just staring at the windshield. I've ruined relationships, hurt someone I care about, and now I'm truly alone. Yet I still can't do it. I've even practiced dry firing inside my mouth so I can get the aim as correctly as possible.
I know I don't want to live this life. Does this mean a part of me wants to live miserably? Does this mean deep inside I like the suffering that I get from all of this?
I haven't gone back to work since the person I hurt is in the same shift. And another knows about my attempt. I don't want to go work anymore either.
Someone help me find my motivation. The courage to go through with this. I'm tired, broken, and lonely. I want it all to end.
Realizing that the gun was right next to me, I dropped it off a few blocks away to hide it.
They cuffed me, went to the facilities, then got checked-in.
I spent the next 48+ hours surrounded by unstable patients. I lost control of everything. Lost control of how I can deal with my own life. They fed me meds and it made me feel mostly numb until it finally left my system today. While it did made me feel numb, I still wanted to kill myself deep inside and kept thinking about the gun I left somewhere. Hoping it hasn't been found by someone else.
Got out finally and got the gun back. I got close again yesterday, but I can't seem to do it. After causing more problems with the person whom I spoke to last night, I was hoping it'd be enough to motivate me, but it wasn't. I sat in my car just staring at the windshield. I've ruined relationships, hurt someone I care about, and now I'm truly alone. Yet I still can't do it. I've even practiced dry firing inside my mouth so I can get the aim as correctly as possible.
I know I don't want to live this life. Does this mean a part of me wants to live miserably? Does this mean deep inside I like the suffering that I get from all of this?
I haven't gone back to work since the person I hurt is in the same shift. And another knows about my attempt. I don't want to go work anymore either.
Someone help me find my motivation. The courage to go through with this. I'm tired, broken, and lonely. I want it all to end.
