I didn't want to make a goodbye thread and instead wanted to make a profile post about it so that it wouldn't detract from someone else, but the 500 character limit per post made it difficult to fit. It also felt unfair to people who are dying if I'm not committing suicide in the moment. But I need to leave SS and feel it's necessary to say something, so I'll leave my goodbye here. I'm 99% writing this for myself.
I'm an overly sensitive person and always have been. I had a bad reputation as a kid as being a crybaby, and unfortunately I have as an adult managed to cry at jobs. I try to keep it under wraps and do so in privacy, but it wasn't always possible. All communities fall somewhere on a spectrum of how honest people are, with one end of the spectrum being authenticity and the other end being "hugbox"(for lack of a better word). The more "hugbox" a place is, the more plastic, hollow and suffocating it feels because everyone has their real feelings hidden. The more authentic, the more friction and conflict and contempt between people arises.
I don't feel equipped to handle either type of community, as I would rather be alone than in a hollow community, but I also do not have thick enough skin to handle the friction and conflict and contempt of more honest people. The most minor insults would turn my world upside because I do not have a healthy minded adult's emotions or ability to handle these things. I wouldn't say anything because I knew I would look stupid if I expressed that private part of myself outloud. I knew it was unreasonable and crazy of me to feel that way over minor things, but I couldn't get myself to stop for the last 10 years no matter how much I want it to. I always felt anxious and afraid to come back after an incident but would force myself to because I wanted to be normal and stay somewhere for once.
I always end up running away from any community where I wasn't anonymous. In anonymous communities (such as 4chan) I could thrive for years on end because I didn't have a name or identity that builds a reputation and allows for people to form an opinion of. Each post you make is its own island, isolated from every other post you ever make. Someone might get angry at something you say in one thread, but they might be your best ally in another thread. Any praise and any ire runs off you like water in these spaces due to this lack of any permanent identity. Despite how nasty and toxic these places are, I was immune to my usual pattern of getting emotionally overwhelmed, abandoning and ghosting people, since I was no one whenever I said something.
In 2020 I started taking a step away from these anonymous communities because even though I didn't participate in it, I didn't want to have people who use racial slurs and believe in various forms of earnest bigotry as my company anymore. I still haven't returned to them because life feels better when you aren't surrounded by people who think you're subhuman. What ended up happening is I felt frequent loneliness and boredom. I needed to fill the void but had to turn to things I had come avoid after running away so often. I tried discord servers and videogame clans, but ended up in this loop of joining -> gaining confidence over the course of months-> start feeling insecure -> emotionally implode and have a private breakdown -> leave. It was a pattern that caused grief and undeserved worry from people who might have formed a small bond over time. From their perspective it would seem to come out of nowhere because I always kept under wraps how crazy and dysfunctional I am. I would swear off the act of joining these communities and say it wasn't for me, but would eventually try again, then do it to a new group of people. I can never apologize to all the people I've ghosted and abandoned over the years.
When I came to SS I genuinely was just looking to express myself with other suicidal people and had no intention to treat it like a social activity. I understood exit bag, SN, hanging, etc. and didn't need an account to find this information. I just needed somewhere to be honest about suicidality and trauma because as everyone on this website knows, the general public makes these topics very alienating. At some point between september 2021 and today my intentions transformed and I started treating it like a friend club. It's hard to decide at exactly what point that transformation happened but I've been aware of it recently. More and more of my time was spent in offtopic and I wasn't speaking about mental health as much. I formed attachment and belonging because I kept speaking about intimate parts of my life that I do not normally express. Posting and checking my notifications turned into a major part of my day.
I get so high off of the prospect of fitting in and being liked by people that I get so caught up by the emotional intensity of the moment. I desperately wanted fit in and belong somewhere. I didn't mean to be inauthentic or try to strategically make posts or fake compassion to climb some social ladder. I didn't intend to make hollow messages to anyone or join cliques, or steal attention away from others. I'm so narcissistic I don't know when I'm being real or fake. I don't know what parts of me are real or fake at all anymore. Despite being 29 years old I've cried for hours on and off and soaked my pillow with snot over self hatred for the past day. I try so hard to act my age but I have stunted emotional development. I always humiliate myself and look like a childish dumbass because I don't ever know how to behave like a reasonable person. I need to either go back to anonymous spaces or I need to learn to socialize how people did before the internet. My head is so full of instability and emotional-retardation I don't know how to belong to something properly. I'm turning 30 this year, I need to just stop this stupid fucking cycle for good and learn to live without repeating this mistake over and over.
I need to delete my account for my own sanity. I'm going to disable my account after I post this thread and after 72 hours it should be gone. I know old dogs can't learn new tricks and I need to just stay away from places. I'm never going to change the fundamental flaws and negative aspects at the core of who I am. I'm privileged enough to have 2 close longterm friendships and a romantic relationship outside of internet communities. I am going to maintain them as best I can. I will work to finish my education. I have an 18 year old cat and a dying father to take care of before I can kill myself. I do wish I shot myself when I had the opportunity to. Still when covid stops being a thing I would like to go to concerts and festivals and try to experience real life some. I don't know if I'll kill myself before 40 but I probably will. In the meantime I am going to try to fill the gap in my freetime with activities I can do alone.
There are a lot of good people here on SS, and I hope you're able to find a decent life or find peace with everything someday. Thank you to everyone who has given kind words and their time of day. I'm sorry for any issues I've caused and I'd undo them if I could. I'm too ashamed and anxious to read anything after this post, so don't worry about saying anything. I promise I will not see it.
Goodbye and best of luck in everything you do.
I'm an overly sensitive person and always have been. I had a bad reputation as a kid as being a crybaby, and unfortunately I have as an adult managed to cry at jobs. I try to keep it under wraps and do so in privacy, but it wasn't always possible. All communities fall somewhere on a spectrum of how honest people are, with one end of the spectrum being authenticity and the other end being "hugbox"(for lack of a better word). The more "hugbox" a place is, the more plastic, hollow and suffocating it feels because everyone has their real feelings hidden. The more authentic, the more friction and conflict and contempt between people arises.
I don't feel equipped to handle either type of community, as I would rather be alone than in a hollow community, but I also do not have thick enough skin to handle the friction and conflict and contempt of more honest people. The most minor insults would turn my world upside because I do not have a healthy minded adult's emotions or ability to handle these things. I wouldn't say anything because I knew I would look stupid if I expressed that private part of myself outloud. I knew it was unreasonable and crazy of me to feel that way over minor things, but I couldn't get myself to stop for the last 10 years no matter how much I want it to. I always felt anxious and afraid to come back after an incident but would force myself to because I wanted to be normal and stay somewhere for once.
I always end up running away from any community where I wasn't anonymous. In anonymous communities (such as 4chan) I could thrive for years on end because I didn't have a name or identity that builds a reputation and allows for people to form an opinion of. Each post you make is its own island, isolated from every other post you ever make. Someone might get angry at something you say in one thread, but they might be your best ally in another thread. Any praise and any ire runs off you like water in these spaces due to this lack of any permanent identity. Despite how nasty and toxic these places are, I was immune to my usual pattern of getting emotionally overwhelmed, abandoning and ghosting people, since I was no one whenever I said something.
In 2020 I started taking a step away from these anonymous communities because even though I didn't participate in it, I didn't want to have people who use racial slurs and believe in various forms of earnest bigotry as my company anymore. I still haven't returned to them because life feels better when you aren't surrounded by people who think you're subhuman. What ended up happening is I felt frequent loneliness and boredom. I needed to fill the void but had to turn to things I had come avoid after running away so often. I tried discord servers and videogame clans, but ended up in this loop of joining -> gaining confidence over the course of months-> start feeling insecure -> emotionally implode and have a private breakdown -> leave. It was a pattern that caused grief and undeserved worry from people who might have formed a small bond over time. From their perspective it would seem to come out of nowhere because I always kept under wraps how crazy and dysfunctional I am. I would swear off the act of joining these communities and say it wasn't for me, but would eventually try again, then do it to a new group of people. I can never apologize to all the people I've ghosted and abandoned over the years.
When I came to SS I genuinely was just looking to express myself with other suicidal people and had no intention to treat it like a social activity. I understood exit bag, SN, hanging, etc. and didn't need an account to find this information. I just needed somewhere to be honest about suicidality and trauma because as everyone on this website knows, the general public makes these topics very alienating. At some point between september 2021 and today my intentions transformed and I started treating it like a friend club. It's hard to decide at exactly what point that transformation happened but I've been aware of it recently. More and more of my time was spent in offtopic and I wasn't speaking about mental health as much. I formed attachment and belonging because I kept speaking about intimate parts of my life that I do not normally express. Posting and checking my notifications turned into a major part of my day.
I get so high off of the prospect of fitting in and being liked by people that I get so caught up by the emotional intensity of the moment. I desperately wanted fit in and belong somewhere. I didn't mean to be inauthentic or try to strategically make posts or fake compassion to climb some social ladder. I didn't intend to make hollow messages to anyone or join cliques, or steal attention away from others. I'm so narcissistic I don't know when I'm being real or fake. I don't know what parts of me are real or fake at all anymore. Despite being 29 years old I've cried for hours on and off and soaked my pillow with snot over self hatred for the past day. I try so hard to act my age but I have stunted emotional development. I always humiliate myself and look like a childish dumbass because I don't ever know how to behave like a reasonable person. I need to either go back to anonymous spaces or I need to learn to socialize how people did before the internet. My head is so full of instability and emotional-retardation I don't know how to belong to something properly. I'm turning 30 this year, I need to just stop this stupid fucking cycle for good and learn to live without repeating this mistake over and over.
I need to delete my account for my own sanity. I'm going to disable my account after I post this thread and after 72 hours it should be gone. I know old dogs can't learn new tricks and I need to just stay away from places. I'm never going to change the fundamental flaws and negative aspects at the core of who I am. I'm privileged enough to have 2 close longterm friendships and a romantic relationship outside of internet communities. I am going to maintain them as best I can. I will work to finish my education. I have an 18 year old cat and a dying father to take care of before I can kill myself. I do wish I shot myself when I had the opportunity to. Still when covid stops being a thing I would like to go to concerts and festivals and try to experience real life some. I don't know if I'll kill myself before 40 but I probably will. In the meantime I am going to try to fill the gap in my freetime with activities I can do alone.
There are a lot of good people here on SS, and I hope you're able to find a decent life or find peace with everything someday. Thank you to everyone who has given kind words and their time of day. I'm sorry for any issues I've caused and I'd undo them if I could. I'm too ashamed and anxious to read anything after this post, so don't worry about saying anything. I promise I will not see it.
Goodbye and best of luck in everything you do.
