Goodbye thread?

[1001YellowDaffodils]

Well it's time. I've checked just about everything off my final to do list, just have get ready myself. Ten years in the making.

Later tonight I will drive to a different city and get high in a parking garage then take a short walk to a tall bridge. My s/o tells me the odds of death being the absolute end are impossibly slim, but I know and I don't care. It's not about where I end up it's just that I leave this place and this brain. I'd prefer for it to be nothing without me realizing anything just like sleep, but I don't get to choose that, leaving this reality is the only choice I can make and it will be the biggest exercise in freewill and control of my life I've ever done.

I don't want to say I will miss anyone because my hope is that when my body dies my consciousness will too, but for lack of something better to say, I will miss so many people I love so much. The person I love so much cried on the phone with me last night and said they weren't ready for me to die, I'm their everything. I have never heard someone so hurt and sobbing over me, even more than my mother, it breaks my heart. I don't want to leave them, but know I will never be okay and it will always be a struggle I will lose. They will move on and find someone who can give back as much as they put in which is something I can't do. Everyone will move on and worrying about me will no longer burden their thoughts and my actions will no longer hurt anyone.

I feel heavy and light. Very happy I won't be turning 20!

Thank you to the kind people on this site that promote discussion and empathy.

Peace, Love, Empathy, and Art.

 

[Crazy4u]

what you said is great. The people who love you will miss you too. I'm sorry you feel that way. You are NOT a burden on anyone. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best

 

[angiegirl30]

I don't know you but would like you to reconsider. Maybe you can hang around for a little while more. Ctb will always be there. My heart goes out to you. And may peace be with you.

 

[1001YellowDaffodils]

I don't know you but would like you to reconsider. Maybe you can hang around for a little while more. Ctb will always be there. My heart goes out to you. And may peace be with you.

Thank you. I think I might have hung around a little too long already lol and I don't see anything being able to improve so I don't want to keep being like this anymore.

 

[angiegirl30]

Thank you. I think I might have hung around a little too long already lol and I don't see anything being able to improve so I don't want to keep being like this anymore.

I will be thinking of you.

 

[miserableforever]

When I got to the point of you saying you're not even 20, that's where my heart sank.
Just please be sure you're sure. When we're very young we sometimes do things we regret later on.
I was married for 20 years to the worst person and didn't even know cause I met him so young.
Just please be sure. We're all here for you. All the best, whatever path you choose (please be 18).

 

[atlaSS]

Well it's time. I've checked just about everything off my final to do list, just have get ready myself. Ten years in the making.

Later tonight I will drive to a different city and get high in a parking garage then take a short walk to a tall bridge. My s/o tells me the odds of death being the absolute end are impossibly slim, but I know and I don't care. It's not about where I end up it's just that I leave this place and this brain. I'd prefer for it to be nothing without me realizing anything just like sleep, but I don't get to choose that, leaving this reality is the only choice I can make and it will be the biggest exercise in freewill and control of my life I've ever done.

Não quero dizer que sentirei falta de ninguém porque minha esperança é que quando meu corpo morrer minha consciência também, mas por falta de algo melhor para dizer, sentirei falta de tantas pessoas que tanto amo. A pessoa que eu amo tanto chorou no telefone comigo ontem à noite e disse que não estava pronta para eu morrer, eu sou tudo para eles. Eu nunca ouvi alguém tão magoado e soluçando por mim, ainda mais do que minha mãe, isso parte meu coração. Não quero deixá-los, mas sei que nunca ficarei bem e sempre será uma luta que perderei. Eles seguirão em frente e encontrarão alguém que possa retribuir tanto quanto eles colocaram, o que é algo que eu não posso fazer. Todo mundo vai seguir em frente e se preocupar comigo não vai mais sobrecarregar seus pensamentos e minhas ações não vão mais machucar ninguém.

Eu me sinto pesado e leve. Muito feliz por não fazer 20 anos!

Obrigado às pessoas gentis deste site que promovem a discussão e a empatia

Paz, Amor, Empatia e Arte.

Espero que você encontre a paz que tanto procurou. Que Deus tenha piedade.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Godspeed

 

[meetapple]

I wish you peace. If you need to talk you can PM me.

 

[1001YellowDaffodils]

When I got to the point of you saying you're not even 20, that's where my heart sank.
Just please be sure you're sure. When we're very young we sometimes do things we regret later on.
I was married for 20 years to the worst person and didn't even know cause I met him so young.
Just please be sure. We're all here for you. All the best, whatever path you choose (please be 18).

Thank you for your advice. I'm 19, would be 20 next month, still feel as lost and afraid as I did when I was a kid lol

I wish you peace. If you need to talk you can PM me.

Thank you I appreciate that <3

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that things are so hopeless. I understand the feeling that nothing will ever improve. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[angiegirl30]

Are you still here? Been thinking of you.

 

[1001YellowDaffodils]

Are you still here? Been thinking of you.

Unfortunately. I got there but had a panic attack and couldn't do it. Asked for help to go see a doctor the next day, then quickly changed my mind and ordered SN. I put a question mark in the title of this thread because I wasn't sure of the outcome, but really wish I did it. Third attempt's the charm I guess haha. Thanks for the check in :)

 

[Smart No More]

God that's so young. In just a year so much can change. I don't want to patronise you. I don't know what you're dealing with. If you're posting here about your end though it indicates a part of you wants life of some kind. Asking for help is obviously an indicator. I hope you will just explore that option. Go to your appointment. Talk it out. As someone else pointed out, ctb is always there. Once you do it there's no going back. You have nothing but time to lose from exploring some options. There's no shame in hanging around for a bit longer.

 

[1001YellowDaffodils]

God that's so young. In just a year so much can change. I don't want to patronise you. I don't know what you're dealing with. If you're posting here about your end though it indicates a part of you wants life of some kind. Asking for help is obviously an indicator. I hope you will just explore that option. Go to your appointment. Talk it out. As someone else pointed out, ctb is always there. Once you do it there's no going back. You have nothing but time to lose from exploring some options. There's no shame in hanging around for a bit longer.

If this is so young I don't want to know what old feels like lol. I don't find it patronizing, I know I'm impulsive and inconsistent, but I also know every time I ask for help or try to get better I can never do it and staying alive just continues the cycle. Doing anything is extremely hard for me and I know I'm never going to be happy and it's too late for me to do anything I wanted in life anyway so I don't see any good reason for living. Honestly this last time asking for help was the least sincere, I told them in the moment the feeling would pass and I didn't even feel like trying to get help when I said it.

 

[FinalPeace]

If this is so young I don't want to know what old feels like lol. I don't find it patronizing, I know I'm impulsive and inconsistent, but I also know every time I ask for help or try to get better I can never do it and staying alive just continues the cycle. Doing anything is extremely hard for me and I know I'm never going to be happy and it's too late for me to do anything I wanted in life anyway so I don't see any good reason for living. Honestly this last time asking for help was the least sincere, I told them in the moment the feeling would pass and I didn't even feel like trying to get help when I said it.

I can totally empathize with you.

I know what it is to be young and suicidal. When I was a teen I hated life. I attempted suicide. I was hospitalized for several months. After I was released my family punished me for it. They wouldn't allow me to pursue my dreams. It screwed up my chances to have what I wanted. I left to get away from them.

I thought when I left things would get better. I modified my dreams. I worked hard to attempt to get what I wanted. Not materialistic things but the important things in life. Well many years passed and despite my hard work none of it ever materialized.

Now, I know what it is to be older and suicidal. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. There is no-one who will be crying for me. You are lucky.

I don't know your situation, but I highlighted one specific phrase. I just can't see how you can be 20 and it be too late to do whatever it is you want to do.

I told you my experience not because I want you to feel hopeless. I just wanted you to know that I understand. Maybe the moral of this story is that I did get to do 1 or 2 things that I wanted, even though it was later on in life. Nothing was exactly as I originally planned but I was working toward my dreams. I was happy for a time because I was doing exactly what I wanted.

Honestly, I wish that my teenage attempt was successful. However, It's possible that if 1 or 2 things were different things could have worked out for me. Some people do wind up being successful. I just happened to be one of the unlucky ones. If I am an unlucky one maybe its possible you could be one of the lucky ones to balance the universe out. Yea, sounds a bit lame. I just wanted to give you something to consider. Probably didn't do that great of a job.


No matter what you decide, just please be sure about it. I would hate to see you injured or in a worse situation as a result of a failed attempt, like mine. If you feel like talking about the specifics of your situation, maybe someone on this site may have some suggestions.

 

[1001YellowDaffodils]

I can totally empathize with you.

I know what it is to be young and suicidal. When I was a teen I hated life. I attempted suicide. I was hospitalized for several months. After I was released my family punished me for it. They wouldn't allow me to pursue my dreams. It screwed up my chances to have what I wanted. I left to get away from them.

I thought when I left things would get better. I modified my dreams. I worked hard to attempt to get what I wanted. Not materialistic things but the important things in life. Well many years passed and despite my hard work none of it ever materialized.

Now, I know what it is to be older and suicidal. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. There is no-one who will be crying for me. You are lucky.

I don't know your situation, but I highlighted one specific phrase. I just can't see how you can be 20 and it be too late to do whatever it is you want to do.

I told you my experience not because I want you to feel hopeless. I just wanted you to know that I understand. Maybe the moral of this story is that I did get to do 1 or 2 things that I wanted, even though it was later on in life. Nothing was exactly as I originally planned but I was working toward my dreams. I was happy for a time because I was doing exactly what I wanted.

Honestly, I wish that my teenage attempt was successful. However, It's possible that if 1 or 2 things were different things could have worked out for me. Some people do wind up being successful. I just happened to be one of the unlucky ones. If I am an unlucky one maybe its possible you could be one of the lucky ones to balance the universe out. Yea, sounds a bit lame. I just wanted to give you something to consider. Probably didn't do that great of a job.


No matter what you decide, just please be sure about it. I would hate to see you injured or in a worse situation as a result of a failed attempt, like mine. If you feel like talking about the specifics of your situation, maybe someone on this site may have some suggestions.

I'm sorry that happened to you. May I ask what your dreams were and what you ended up achieving? No pressure if you don't want to share.

I feel the same about my attempt when I was like 9 or 10, would have saved a lot of trouble if it happened then. You did a fine job, but I'm not sure I'm one of the lucky ones either, at least in certain regards, I'm very privileged.

I don't even know where to begin with my own situation haha. I basically have no education, no talents or skills, extreme social anxiety, depression, eating disorder, just lots of jumbled up mental things. I wanted to go to art school and become an illustrator, or graphic novelist, or travel the country doing plein air painting at interesting spots talking with locals and meeting interesting people. Nothing achievable and nothing to fall back on. I can't even leave my room anymore.

 

[FinalPeace]

I'm sorry that happened to you. May I ask what your dreams were and what you ended up achieving? No pressure if you don't want to share.

Without getting specific, I wanted to attend a job related program outside of my locale. I also wanted to be in an environment where I could build a solid social network. That was my only chance at creating a normal life.

Instead I went to a local program for something else later in life. I went through so much to get there that all I wanted to do was finish the program to start making money. Going to a local program will never be the same as leaving your hometown. People don't make as much effort to build new social networks. They already have local friends.

Once I finished I worked in locales that did not help my social life. I tried to move but it didn't help. I couldn't afford to take more risks. I had to support myself.

I feel the same about my attempt when I was like 9 or 10, would have saved a lot of trouble if it happened then. You did a fine job, but I'm not sure I'm one of the lucky ones either, at least in certain regards, I'm very privileged.

If you are privileged, does that mean there is a chance to do what you want? I'm assuming monetary privilege.

I can't even leave my room anymore.

I got to this point at one time. A change of venue was helpful. Going to a place where no one knows you might help the anxiety. Leaving most of the triggering things behind makes you think less about them.

I don't even know where to begin with my own situation haha. I basically have no education, no talents or skills, extreme social anxiety, depression, eating disorder, just lots of jumbled up mental things. I wanted to go to art school and become an illustrator, or graphic novelist, or travel the country doing plein air painting at interesting spots talking with locals and meeting interesting people. Nothing achievable and nothing to fall back on.

Now that covid lockups are lifting maybe followthrough with the travel idea if you can muster up the strength to leave your room. There are innovative and inexpensive options to rent a private room and bathroom in another city/town/country. Ive heard of people doing social programs like planting trees to make some pennies. Maybe find some courses you can take from different artists local to that area. Artists are often known for being different and weird. You might blend in well with that group, which may also help the anxiety. Even if you don't blend Im sure there would be interesting landscapes you could draw. And 1 or 2 interesting people you could meet on a journey. Maybe take advantage of that privilege, if that is what you meant.

Traditional education is becoming over rated due to the amount of debt required and lack of employable circumstances to pay it off. Achievement rated on society's terms quantifies education, job, monetary and marital status. Somehow aChIeVeMeNt always figures out a way to exclude or make people feel inferior. See if you can just figure out how to be happy for a while.

Fuck aChIeVeMeNt! Its not going anywhere. Maybe focusing on aChIeVeMeNt is not for neuroatypicals. After all the concept was designed, created and is still controlled by normies. If just trying to be happy doesn't work then there's always ctb. Not encouraging ctb, just stating it as a choice like any other available to you.

Wanting to ctb makes us miserable because it feels like nothing can satisfy. At least you have an idea of some things that could possibly satisfy. No harm in attempting to try them out. Its possible going in this direction could make you move toward or away from ctb naturally.

The eating disorder part is rough. I'm sorry that you are going through that. I haven't experienced that but understand it can last a lifetime. Coupled with depression that can be heavy. Have you tried any programs to manage it?

 

[JoeyJoey]

Well it's time. I've checked just about everything off my final to do list, just have get ready myself. Ten years in the making.

Later tonight I will drive to a different city and get high in a parking garage then take a short walk to a tall bridge. My s/o tells me the odds of death being the absolute end are impossibly slim, but I know and I don't care. It's not about where I end up it's just that I leave this place and this brain. I'd prefer for it to be nothing without me realizing anything just like sleep, but I don't get to choose that, leaving this reality is the only choice I can make and it will be the biggest exercise in freewill and control of my life I've ever done.

I don't want to say I will miss anyone because my hope is that when my body dies my consciousness will too, but for lack of something better to say, I will miss so many people I love so much. The person I love so much cried on the phone with me last night and said they weren't ready for me to die, I'm their everything. I have never heard someone so hurt and sobbing over me, even more than my mother, it breaks my heart. I don't want to leave them, but know I will never be okay and it will always be a struggle I will lose. They will move on and find someone who can give back as much as they put in which is something I can't do. Everyone will move on and worrying about me will no longer burden their thoughts and my actions will no longer hurt anyone.

I feel heavy and light. Very happy I won't be turning 20!

Thank you to the kind people on this site that promote discussion and empathy.

Peace, Love, Empathy, and Art.

I am glad you didn't CTB

 

[1001YellowDaffodils]

Without getting specific, I wanted to attend a job related program outside of my locale. I also wanted to be in an environment where I could build a solid social network. That was my only chance at creating a normal life.

Instead I went to a local program for something else later in life. I went through so much to get there that all I wanted to do was finish the program to start making money. Going to a local program will never be the same as leaving your hometown. People don't make as much effort to build new social networks. They already have local friends.

Once I finished I worked in locales that did not help my social life. I tried to move but it didn't help. I couldn't afford to take more risks. I had to support myself.

I agree going to a community college or taking local courses isn't the same as leaving your hometown to do them because it keeps you in the same bubble, not a lot of outside views, new perspectives, opportunities, different communities to be a part of, etc. Difficult to create a new social group. It's still cool you completed the program even if it didn't lead where you wanted. I have a hard time finishing anything and committing to that is something to still be proud of. I also empathize with not being able to afford taking more risks.

If you are privileged, does that mean there is a chance to do what you want? I'm assuming monetary privilege.

Well, relatively speaking yes, but not really what I meant. My family has always been lower class, just above the poverty line, but we've always managed and have been able to have experiences not everyone can. I'm a white, able bodied, cisgender female, with supportive family and friends, but just like everyone shit happens too.

I got to this point at one time. A change of venue was helpful. Going to a place where no one knows you might help the anxiety. Leaving most of the triggering things behind makes you think less about them.

Strangers actually make my anxiety worse. My writing may not show it, because I try not to show it ever lol, but especially in person I just can't function. I always have a baseline of anxiety in my stomach, even right now, and I physically shake and try not to cry doing the simplest of things. I'm in constant doubt and get paralyzed with indecision because of how my choices/words/actions/appearance could affect other people and how they would react or perceive me. Goddamn I guess I'm shaking now too lol. I quit my last job because I liked my boss and co-workers so much I felt like I wasn't doing my job good enough for them and it would be better for them and the business if I was replaced with someone who could. I can't talk to my family, I can't talk to my friends, I can't drive in the daytime, I can't go to the store, or do literally anything without crippling anxiety, and so I just haven't since I quit my job, it was the last thing forcing me to get up everyday and see people but everyday I felt worse and worse physically and mentally and socially. I know there's no way I could move anywhere, nor do I want to anymore. I'm just a mess. I'm my own trigger that I can't leave.

Traditional education is becoming over rated due to the amount of debt required and lack of employable circumstances to pay it off. Achievement rated on society's terms quantifies education, job, monetary and marital status. Somehow aChIeVeMeNt always figures out a way to exclude or make people feel inferior. See if you can just figure out how to be happy for a while.

Fuck aChIeVeMeNt! Its not going anywhere. Maybe focusing on aChIeVeMeNt is not for neuroatypicals. After all the concept was designed, created and is still controlled by normies. If just trying to be happy doesn't work then there's always ctb. Not encouraging ctb, just stating it as a choice like any other available to you.

I agree, but still I tried to imagine realistic life paths for me and not what society thinks of. I knew I would never be able to go to college, but even if I had money I never made it past the 1st grade and have no high school diploma or GED, I knew in my heart it would never happen but it still makes me sad even if it's part of the conventional thing. I never wanted to be in a relationship, never wanted children, 'artist' is decidedly not a good career choice lol, but I just wanted to modestly live alone, make art part-time or eventually full-time, be active for things I support, have meaningful experiences, good friends, and be happy, but I can't even meet my own standards let alone the typical ones.

The eating disorder part is rough. I'm sorry that you are going through that. I haven't experienced that but understand it can last a lifetime. Coupled with depression that can be heavy. Have you tried any programs to manage it?

I haven't, but it's just part of me now, there's so many other things I find more distressing than it, it's not enjoyable, but I've had it for over half my life I just don't ever see that getting better, it's just what I do and what I am.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply :)

 

[FinalPeace]

I never made it past the 1st grade and have no high school diploma or GED, I knew in my heart it would never happen but it still makes me sad even if it's part of the conventional thing.

Wow...I totally understand why you feel the way you do. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Your anxiety is much worse than mine. I can't imagine that. That can be very crippling. It would be hard to move forward in life with all of that especially with the depression added in.

Have you ever considered art therapy instead of traditional therapy?

Am I reading that right, that you did not finish 1st grade or high school? What happened? Hopefully that's not too private to share.

 

[1001YellowDaffodils]

Yeahh, it's alright I really did it to myself mostly.

Have you ever considered art therapy instead of traditional therapy?

Actually the only two times I've been to therapy were both from art therapists. First time was good, second time was really not good lol.

Am I reading that right, that you did not finish 1st grade or high school? What happened? Hopefully that's not too private to share.

Yep, you are. I was taken out of public school to be unschooled after 1st grade. It can be different for every family, but mine was no curriculum learning or interest based learning which meant I only had to "study" the things I was interested in, no mandatory subjects like math or English, and the idea is through my interests I will pick up what I need to know. Spoiler alert, I didn't lol. I know a really great documentary about unschooling I could recommend if that's your kind of thing and want to know more.

 

[FinalPeace]

Yep, you are. I was taken out of public school to be unschooled after 1st grade. It can be different for every family, but mine was no curriculum learning or interest based learning which meant I only had to "study" the things I was interested in, no mandatory subjects like math or English, and the idea is through my interests I will pick up what I need to know. Spoiler alert, I didn't lol. I know a really great documentary about unschooling I could recommend if that's your kind of thing and want to know more.

I'm completely floored. I can't imagine going to a therapist if I were in your shoes. The fake positivity alone that the majority of them spew wild make me throw something at them.

Well you seem seem like a really amazing kind hearted person. I'd be so angry at my family for doing that. Man... I have no words...

I'm just thankful that you can read, write and be on SS. Just be kind to yourself until you make a decision.

 

[1001YellowDaffodils]

I'm completely floored. I can't imagine going to a therapist if I were in your shoes. The fake positivity alone that the majority of them spew wild make me throw something at them.

Well you seem seem like a really amazing kind hearted person. I'd be so angry at my family for doing that. Man... I have no words...

I'm just thankful that you can read, write and be on SS. Just be kind to yourself until you make a decision.

I'd say my first therapist was actually a pretty cool, down to earth person, I just didn't feel like I was making progress.

I can't be angry because I wanted to be taken out of school, though I was 7.

Thank god for spellcheck aha. I've definitely made a decision.

 

[downndone2]

You are young and have some of the best tears ahead 9f you. You obviously have people that love you so much. There is so much time to make your dreams come true. I do hope you take some time to reconsider.
Whatever your choice, may you find peace

 

[1001YellowDaffodils]

You are young and have some of the best tears ahead 9f you. You obviously have people that love you so much. There is so much time to make your dreams come true. I do hope you take some time to reconsider.
Whatever your choice, may you find peace

I really don't. There are too many unfixable problems I will have forever that I don't want to deal with, I'm running out of "the best years" of my life and don't really want to start "living" at 45. I'm sorry if I'm coming across harsh, I've had a bad couple of days. I know you mean well, but just because you consider me young doesn't mean that I haven't considered and reconsidered my entire life and always get to the same conclusion. This is not an impulsive decision, I've been thinking about this for like ten years, tried to get better countless times and I always end up back here feeling worse than I did the last time. I'm just so tired and want to be done with it. Any possible life I could have at this point is not one that I want. I failed last week not because I want to live but because the problems that make me want to die stopped me. I know this next time I will succeed. I probably would have started with SN if I knew it was so easy to get and you don't really have to get all the other drugs that make you feel better. I just hope it gets here soon because I can't handle anything. Thanks anyways.

 

[waitingforrest]

I really don't. There are too many unfixable problems I will have forever that I don't want to deal with, I'm running out of "the best years" of my life and don't really want to start "living" at 45. I'm sorry if I'm coming across harsh, I've had a bad couple of days. I know you mean well, but just because you consider me young doesn't mean that I haven't considered and reconsidered my entire life and always get to the same conclusion. This is not an impulsive decision, I've been thinking about this for like ten years, tried to get better countless times and I always end up back here feeling worse than I did the last time. I'm just so tired and want to be done with it. Any possible life I could have at this point is not one that I want. I failed last week not because I want to live but because the problems that make me want to die stopped me. I know this next time I will succeed. I probably would have started with SN if I knew it was so easy to get and you don't really have to get all the other drugs that make you feel better. I just hope it gets here soon because I can't handle anything. Thanks anyways.

I completely understand, there really are some unfixable problems that can't be changed or fixed no matter how hard we try. Some things really are sadly determined at birth.

It's okay to say how you feel about being called young and still have much to learn. I feel like there really is no age that makes us all wise to the purpose of life. I've met many young people that have experienced more than they should at their age sadly.

You don't need to justify how long you have been suffering to me at least. Even a day of pain can feel like years. And sometimes, it doesn't feel worth it to keep trying. It's your life in the end, and you should get to decide what happens to it regardless of what other people think.

I hope you don't do anything rash until the SN cones. Even holding on a bit longer makes me want to do the more dangerous methods.

 

[downndone2]

I really don't. There are too many unfixable problems I will have forever that I don't want to deal with, I'm running out of "the best years" of my life and don't really want to start "living" at 45. I'm sorry if I'm coming across harsh, I've had a bad couple of days. I know you mean well, but just because you consider me young doesn't mean that I haven't considered and reconsidered my entire life and always get to the same conclusion. This is not an impulsive decision, I've been thinking about this for like ten years, tried to get better countless times and I always end up back here feeling worse than I did the last time. I'm just so tired and want to be done with it. Any possible life I could have at this point is not one that I want. I failed last week not because I want to live but because the problems that make me want to die stopped me. I know this next time I will succeed. I probably would have started with SN if I knew it was so easy to get and you don't really have to get all the other drugs that make you feel better. I just hope it gets here soon because I can't handle anything. Thanks anyways.

I thought for some reason I read 19 yrs old. I am 43 and feel the same really. I'm sorry you are going through this. Whatever you decide, I do wish you peace....

 

[1001YellowDaffodils]

I thought for some reason I read 19 yrs old. I am 43 and feel the same really. I'm sorry you are going through this. Whatever you decide, I do wish you peace....

I am 19, I mean I don't want to spend all of my life trying to feel better which will take years and years only to get to a place where I am somewhat okay, but I doubt content or happy, later in life, not that that's a bad thing, I just don't want that.