H
hopeless08
Arcanist
- Dec 8, 2023
- 492
Hey, this is gonna be my goodbye thread, as well as a little vent :)
I never would've thought that I'd end my life. I was never in therapy, never diagnosed with depression or anxiety (which both I think I have). Basically no one of my family or friends know how shitty I am really doing. I must admit that I feel a little guilty about that. Never giving myself the chance to get better, just leaving this world without warning for anyone, probably sending my loved ones into a deep, deep spiral. So yes, maybe suicide is selfish idk.
My mother has told me multiple times, that if I were to die/kill myself she would want to kill herself too. I really hope she doesn't and as I said that's basically the only thing giving me a little bit of a doubt. I am sure of ending my life, but passing down my pain onto others is shitty and I'm already sorry for that.
It's weird because I feel like I have been in worse places, deeper holes and yet this is the moment where I want to end my life. It feels irrational knowing I am actually doing okay right now. But it's still not enough for me to stay. Because I know it will get worse again. Because even if I am okay, I am not good. I've become more and more numb these past months, something I've never experienced in this way before. Yeah I was often not happy, but then I was sad, feeling depressed. But this numbness is new to me. I haven't cried in idk how long which is unusual for me lol. And I finally get the people, that wish they could cry to just get it all out, because this numbness is always worse than sobbing and crying your heart out.
I've reflected a lot on my life in these past weeks. And even if I may have some doubts I am kinda… happy? Happy knowing that it'll all end soon.
Anyway, here's my plan: I have decided on using SN, I picked it up from the post office today, after some complications it really arrived just in time lol. I'm gonna prepare at least 2 glasses, each 20g with 50ml of water. I will take an anti-nausea medicament (Dimenhydrinate aka Vomex), probably 2 pills a 50g 40min before drinking the SN. I will probably try drinking it with a straw to reduce the taste. I don't have any pain medication apart from ibuprofen, maybe I will take those, better than nothing, eh?
For now the exact time table is:
(The times are for the European time zone (CET))
2:00am: take 1 Ibuprofen
3:20am: take 2x Vomex + 1 Ibuprofen
Mix SN
4:00am: take SN with a straw
I've got a pretty good immune system and basically never throw up so I hope I can keep the SN down and everything goes as planned. I am honestly a bit afraid of the taste and the physical reactions, for some people there are stomach aches and such, would love to avoid those haha. I just hope I pass out quickly and that's it. I'd love to just lay in bed and slowly fade away from reality. An unrealistic wish, but maybe SN will guarantee me something similar.
I know some people don't do it or advise against it, but I'm gonna send goodbye texts. At first I wanted to ctb in the evening, but I'm gonna do it at night, when most are sleeping. I love the night anyway, it's so peaceful. I will write a short text to my parents, they're not gonna see it while they're asleep, so I'm pretty safe there. But I also wanna send a text to one of my best friends, and they have a fucked up sleep schedule like me, so it's possible that they see my text. They probably could connect the dots and maybe try to interfere… I know it's risky, so I'm thinking about sending the message last minute. Maybe I'm lucky and they won't see it and even if they do, Idk if they could get an ambulance that fast to me, bc I don't think they know my apartment number and stuff.
I also wrote letters that I'm gonna place on my desk. A longer, more detailed one for my parents and one for the friend I want to text. Another one for another friend, and I will dedicate some passages in my parents letter to other people, other family members etc, that my parents are supposed to share with the appropriate people.
The last weeks and days I behaved normally, went to university, just hung around at home doing random stuff. I wanted to see the people from uni for the last time, make peace with my goodbye, yk? Maybe more for myself than for them…
I made myself a last cozy night, watched my comfort series, drank some alcohol. I'd honestly love to drink some alc today before I ctb too, but I know it would be stupid so I won't lol. But maybe smoke some cigs. I'll probably be on my phone or watch my comfort series, just stuff I like to do, safe spaces for me. Also gonna listen to music, my "listen before I go" playlist (cheesy I know), just really dwell in these last moments. I still have much stuff to do tho, I hope I am able to do all of it.
I hope my SI doesn't kick in that hard. I think the closer the end is coming, the more anxious I'm gonna be. I want to do it, but I'm a little scared that I'm gonna chicken out. Mainly because of the consequences of my death, the mess I will leave. Everybody thinks I'm happy and content, this will destroy and hurt them so fucking bad.
I turned 21 not even a month ago, probably rather young for what I'm about to do. I would be lying if I were saying I'm not afraid of the next hours.
I will update here before I'll do it, maybe after that too. I'll update if SI kicked in or I somehow survived, otherwise when I'm not posting anymore I'm gone.
Thanks to the people who messaged me and helped me on here. Especially one person (you
I just took the SN, it was very fucking salty, I hope I don't puke. Trying to calm my breathing because I am so nervous. Just sent the goodbye texts to my parents and best friend. My bestie is still awake, and it hurts me knowing they could read it now as I am dying, I love them so much, but I just needed to do it tonight.
Getting dizzy and a bit nauseous rn. I still feel the Sn in my throat every time I swallow. My heart is beating very fast, maybe it's also my anxiety a bit. I just wanna pass out. It's not painful bit uncomfortable.
know who you are) I basically chatted with every day for the last weeks, thanks for being by my side. I hope you can find peace in one way or the other too. <3
I will post updates in the next hours.
I'm here with youI just took the SN, it was very fucking salty, I hope I don't puke. Trying to calm my breathing because I am so nervous. Just sent the goodbye texts to my parents and best friend. My bestie is still awake, and it hurts me knowing they could read it now as I am dying, I love them so much, but I just needed to do it tonight.
Getting dizzy and a bit nauseous rn. I still feel the Sn in my throat every time I swallow. My heart is beating very fast, maybe it's also my anxiety a bit. I just wanna pass out. It's not painful bit uncomfortable.
