aticeret
Member
- Jan 23, 2023
- 29
I feel your breath upon my neck
A soft caress as cold as death
That's it, kids, attempting today.
Stat dose, 20M, healthy as a horse. No chronic conditions. Taking ibuprofen, SN (98% purity, don't ask me where I got it, I just live in a shithole where nobody cares about suicide) and meto. I also have methylene blue in case I go insane after downing SN and call the ambulance. My SN is tested with aquarium strips and reagents, also did a blood test. It's legit.
Background: 12 days of 75 mg venlafaxine with zero side effects (self-medicating, probably it has pushed me to suicide finally). Not going to be found at least for 5 hours.
Presumptive diagnosis: unrecognized in this country atypical depression.
If any of my friends find this website and this particular post (jk they won't lift a finger to do so much research), I am truly sorry.
I'll post updates, also I'm up for some chit-chat in case you need to vent or just talk.
SaSu is the only place where I felt seen and understood. Cannot thank all of you enough.
See you on the other side, folks.
Also, my birthday is on the 27th of November. Please celebrate it! Just without me.
A soft caress as cold as death
That's it, kids, attempting today.
Stat dose, 20M, healthy as a horse. No chronic conditions. Taking ibuprofen, SN (98% purity, don't ask me where I got it, I just live in a shithole where nobody cares about suicide) and meto. I also have methylene blue in case I go insane after downing SN and call the ambulance. My SN is tested with aquarium strips and reagents, also did a blood test. It's legit.
Background: 12 days of 75 mg venlafaxine with zero side effects (self-medicating, probably it has pushed me to suicide finally). Not going to be found at least for 5 hours.
Presumptive diagnosis: unrecognized in this country atypical depression.
I just simply don't want to cope with life's bullshit anymore, I'm tired as fuck.
I've been fighting my gaming addiction for a few years, and now it came back in full force with ≈12 hours of playing non-stop when it's my day off at college. I don't talk to my classmates, I don't go out and just rot in my room. I'm failing my classes, I feel like I'm fucking brain damaged. I can't concentrate, focus or learn at least something. My lab results are fine, my MRI scans are fine. Physically, I'm healthy. My mother firmly believes that I'm not sick, but I am sick. I've tried to follow my suicide protocol several times, but chickened out almost immediately because of my distant thought of "it's not that bad". It is. Recently she told me that psychiatrists are useless (despite her looking for one), what I'm experiencing is transitional age and from now on I'm paying for my doctors myself, fully aware I'm barely functional. She tried to beat me once when I was young, literally threw on the floor my laptop and jumped on it, had a habit of taking away my stuff and a few months ago she told me to jump out of the window. We never talked about my suicidality, obviously. She can sense it, it seems, but doesn't give a flying fuck or wants me to die. Although she has threatened me to lock me up in a psych ward until senility if I fail my attempt so she doesn't have to bury me by herself.
I do understand that I'm a grown-ass adult and I should do something with my life. I'm angry that I can't. I'm done trying. I have nothing to live for. I'm too weak, no one would mourn me. Everyone leaves me eventually. I bet my mother would sigh with relief. As for my bio father, I have no idea where the fucker is. All I know he's homeless since he's lost all of his life savings to the gambling addiction. He was abusive towards my mother, beat her up once and threw both of us out on the streets when I was 13. My mother's friends helped us to get a place to live in, but I feel like I'm still traumatized. This shit haunts you, especially when your life gets worse by year.
I have no idea why am I writing this. It seems like only some fucking divine intervention can save me, but we're not living in a fairytale. I've exhausted all possible options. I need someone to drag me somewhere and just physically help me, but that ain't happening. All my IRL acquaintances simply don't know, I don't trust them enough. Fuck.
Thanks for reading this, I guess.
I've been fighting my gaming addiction for a few years, and now it came back in full force with ≈12 hours of playing non-stop when it's my day off at college. I don't talk to my classmates, I don't go out and just rot in my room. I'm failing my classes, I feel like I'm fucking brain damaged. I can't concentrate, focus or learn at least something. My lab results are fine, my MRI scans are fine. Physically, I'm healthy. My mother firmly believes that I'm not sick, but I am sick. I've tried to follow my suicide protocol several times, but chickened out almost immediately because of my distant thought of "it's not that bad". It is. Recently she told me that psychiatrists are useless (despite her looking for one), what I'm experiencing is transitional age and from now on I'm paying for my doctors myself, fully aware I'm barely functional. She tried to beat me once when I was young, literally threw on the floor my laptop and jumped on it, had a habit of taking away my stuff and a few months ago she told me to jump out of the window. We never talked about my suicidality, obviously. She can sense it, it seems, but doesn't give a flying fuck or wants me to die. Although she has threatened me to lock me up in a psych ward until senility if I fail my attempt so she doesn't have to bury me by herself.
I do understand that I'm a grown-ass adult and I should do something with my life. I'm angry that I can't. I'm done trying. I have nothing to live for. I'm too weak, no one would mourn me. Everyone leaves me eventually. I bet my mother would sigh with relief. As for my bio father, I have no idea where the fucker is. All I know he's homeless since he's lost all of his life savings to the gambling addiction. He was abusive towards my mother, beat her up once and threw both of us out on the streets when I was 13. My mother's friends helped us to get a place to live in, but I feel like I'm still traumatized. This shit haunts you, especially when your life gets worse by year.
I have no idea why am I writing this. It seems like only some fucking divine intervention can save me, but we're not living in a fairytale. I've exhausted all possible options. I need someone to drag me somewhere and just physically help me, but that ain't happening. All my IRL acquaintances simply don't know, I don't trust them enough. Fuck.
Thanks for reading this, I guess.
If any of my friends find this website and this particular post (jk they won't lift a finger to do so much research), I am truly sorry.
I'll post updates, also I'm up for some chit-chat in case you need to vent or just talk.
SaSu is the only place where I felt seen and understood. Cannot thank all of you enough.
See you on the other side, folks.
Also, my birthday is on the 27th of November. Please celebrate it! Just without me.
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best wishes and good luck 
hope you've found eternal peace 
