ko1toz
I regret you all the time
- Aug 19, 2023
- 17
I've been unsure of my exact CTB date for a while now, but now that my notes are written out, I want to get it over with before i risk someone finding them and stopping me. I plan to OD tomorrow afternoon. I've eaten, showered, and I now want to sleep for a good while before I wake up tomorrow and do it. I plan to dress nice and keep myself put-together so I at least keep some of my dignity in death, though I know it will still be an unpretty sight. SS has helped me clear up some of my final questions and for that I'm so thankful. This is an amazing community and if I survive (which I unfortunately know is a possibility since ODing is unreliable, however I have no other options) I will absolutely be returning.
Major TW - Why I'm CTBing
I'm going to discuss a variety of traumatic things here, so don't read if you don't want to, I just want to finally tell someone what I've been dealing with. I've been suicidal since the 4th grade, I used to want to hang but it's less appealing now. I don't really know what inspired it, mostly the people I was around I guess, but my home life's always been shitty. My parents were alcoholics, my mother an addict, and my parents fought so much that it was often only one of them actually sleeping in the house. Then my brother came, and I had to protect him from the fighting with no support system of my own. I began self-harming in 4th grade, and my parents found out. I've actively done it since then, and they've caught me a few times, but they never sought therapy or aid for me. My best friend passed away almost 2 years ago. I held her as she passed, it was incredibly traumatic-- without going into too much detail she consumed something poisonous, so her passing was unexpected. Even after this, nobody bothered to find me mental support. I've been plagued with visions and dreams of this day, and I've had multiple horrible nightmares concerning her passing. I've only ever told my ex, who ended up being abusive, and I had to live for that with two years. After I broke that off, I met my current boyfriend, who's certainly better but still widely unconsiderate of my feelings. I was sexually assaulted on my 13th birthday, by a man who followed me home. That was years and years ago, but I'm still uncomfortable walking home. I'm never at peace, and I feel it's finally my time, especially with school approaching.
There's no specific reason why tomorrow has to be the day, I'm just impatient honestly. Do I think therapy would've helped me? No, but it might've been nice. The only time I've come close to CTBing is when I poured a bunch of pills into my mouth in 5th grade, though I spit them out as I was nervous. I'm no longer afraid, I've been anxiety-ridden for so long that the promise of finally resting sounds beautiful for me. I know it will be a painful process but I'd rather go through with it than another year of academic torture. Again, I cannot thank the SS community enough for supporting me in my final days. I'd love to talk to anybody with similar experiences, or anybody who wants to talk while I still can. I hope you all find peace <3.
Major TW - Why I'm CTBing
I'm going to discuss a variety of traumatic things here, so don't read if you don't want to, I just want to finally tell someone what I've been dealing with. I've been suicidal since the 4th grade, I used to want to hang but it's less appealing now. I don't really know what inspired it, mostly the people I was around I guess, but my home life's always been shitty. My parents were alcoholics, my mother an addict, and my parents fought so much that it was often only one of them actually sleeping in the house. Then my brother came, and I had to protect him from the fighting with no support system of my own. I began self-harming in 4th grade, and my parents found out. I've actively done it since then, and they've caught me a few times, but they never sought therapy or aid for me. My best friend passed away almost 2 years ago. I held her as she passed, it was incredibly traumatic-- without going into too much detail she consumed something poisonous, so her passing was unexpected. Even after this, nobody bothered to find me mental support. I've been plagued with visions and dreams of this day, and I've had multiple horrible nightmares concerning her passing. I've only ever told my ex, who ended up being abusive, and I had to live for that with two years. After I broke that off, I met my current boyfriend, who's certainly better but still widely unconsiderate of my feelings. I was sexually assaulted on my 13th birthday, by a man who followed me home. That was years and years ago, but I'm still uncomfortable walking home. I'm never at peace, and I feel it's finally my time, especially with school approaching.
There's no specific reason why tomorrow has to be the day, I'm just impatient honestly. Do I think therapy would've helped me? No, but it might've been nice. The only time I've come close to CTBing is when I poured a bunch of pills into my mouth in 5th grade, though I spit them out as I was nervous. I'm no longer afraid, I've been anxiety-ridden for so long that the promise of finally resting sounds beautiful for me. I know it will be a painful process but I'd rather go through with it than another year of academic torture. Again, I cannot thank the SS community enough for supporting me in my final days. I'd love to talk to anybody with similar experiences, or anybody who wants to talk while I still can. I hope you all find peace <3.
