Lupgevif
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- Jul 23, 2020
- 928
Today (November 30th, 2023), exactly at 10 pm UTC-3, I will drink SN. I will not share my regimen because there are a few things I am doing differently and I do not want to induce mistakes on others if they don't work. I take full responsibility if I end up failing. I also take full responsibility if I chicken out. Feel free to ban me in 48 hours, if I survive I don't think I'll be able to get back here too soon.
My mental ailments (depression, bipolar personality disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder) started manifesting in a solid manner in the second semester of 2014 (I had a melancholic mood since around 2010, but it doesn't feel fair to consider it the fruit of mental illness at that point). I remember reaching the point of clear suicidal thoughts by 2015. I started going to therapy in June of 2017. In August 2017, I finally started to feel the strongest urges to act according to my ideations, unlike anything I've ever felt before (yes, after starting therapy). I started seeing a psychiatrist and taking medicine in September or October 2017, I can't exactly remember when. I did not see a therapist during the entirety of 2018 (which, ironically, was one of the best years of my life, despite it being filled with strong suicidal urges), but I kept seeing the psychiatrist and taking meds. In 2019, I went back to therapy, but the new therapist was inconsistent and would cancel appointments frequently; the psychiatrist remained consistent. In 2020, I started seeing a third therapist, and ended up distanced from the first psychiatrist due to the pandemic. I started seeing a new psychiatrist by the recommendation of the third therapist in October 2020 (taking meds all along, just changing some with the new doctor). I still see this psychiatrist and I have been with this third therapist from January 2020 until now. I even consulted with her last monday. I haven't taken meds for a few weeks now, but I stopped them only after deciding my final date for good in the first week of November. I am not emotionally distraught right now, nor have I been since I stopped taking medication. I am calm and at peace with my decision.
I sought help from professionals, and it was not enough. I acted to change what I could by myself, and it was not enough. I was loved by friends and family, from whom I also sought help, and it was not enough. I had food, shelter and leisure, and it was not enough. I tried to distract myself, and it was not enough. I had coping mechanisms, both healthy and unhealthy, but none were enough. I tried to gaslight myself that being 26 is far too young and that I have a lot to live yet, but this world is going to shit, therefore, it was not enough. I tried gaslighting myself throughout my whole life that I am able to solve all of my problems solely by putting more effort into them, but this illusion never proved to be true, therefore, it was not enough.
I wish well to everyone who stays, that you all conquer the freedom you deserve and become in full control of your destinies.
My mental ailments (depression, bipolar personality disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder) started manifesting in a solid manner in the second semester of 2014 (I had a melancholic mood since around 2010, but it doesn't feel fair to consider it the fruit of mental illness at that point). I remember reaching the point of clear suicidal thoughts by 2015. I started going to therapy in June of 2017. In August 2017, I finally started to feel the strongest urges to act according to my ideations, unlike anything I've ever felt before (yes, after starting therapy). I started seeing a psychiatrist and taking medicine in September or October 2017, I can't exactly remember when. I did not see a therapist during the entirety of 2018 (which, ironically, was one of the best years of my life, despite it being filled with strong suicidal urges), but I kept seeing the psychiatrist and taking meds. In 2019, I went back to therapy, but the new therapist was inconsistent and would cancel appointments frequently; the psychiatrist remained consistent. In 2020, I started seeing a third therapist, and ended up distanced from the first psychiatrist due to the pandemic. I started seeing a new psychiatrist by the recommendation of the third therapist in October 2020 (taking meds all along, just changing some with the new doctor). I still see this psychiatrist and I have been with this third therapist from January 2020 until now. I even consulted with her last monday. I haven't taken meds for a few weeks now, but I stopped them only after deciding my final date for good in the first week of November. I am not emotionally distraught right now, nor have I been since I stopped taking medication. I am calm and at peace with my decision.
I sought help from professionals, and it was not enough. I acted to change what I could by myself, and it was not enough. I was loved by friends and family, from whom I also sought help, and it was not enough. I had food, shelter and leisure, and it was not enough. I tried to distract myself, and it was not enough. I had coping mechanisms, both healthy and unhealthy, but none were enough. I tried to gaslight myself that being 26 is far too young and that I have a lot to live yet, but this world is going to shit, therefore, it was not enough. I tried gaslighting myself throughout my whole life that I am able to solve all of my problems solely by putting more effort into them, but this illusion never proved to be true, therefore, it was not enough.
I wish well to everyone who stays, that you all conquer the freedom you deserve and become in full control of your destinies.
