Some place nice
This world makes me sick
- Oct 18, 2023
- 471
I have kept my method quiet bc I know how bad it is. My family always thought I was happy even when I told them I wasn't. So for that, I will carve a smile in my cheeks. Ik what my profile pic is and it has no influence on this decision. For those who don't know, the guy on my profile is Liu woods just look him up. Than I will slice my arms as deep as I can get it than slice my throat open.
I am tired of feeling guilty that I am 21 and have no job. I don't want one and its been hard to get one. I am a burden on my family... Its probably why they hate me. I do blame them for the trauma they have so nicely put on me. For context my mom and dad are both mentally and emotionally abusive. My dad is an alcoholic narcissistic piece of shit. My mom is a narcissistic gaslighter, who picks the fights and blames me.
I've really tried to help her change but, she only listens to the middle child. She'll take all her anger out on me and my oldest sister (when she was living with us). Though, I do agree, the older sister had the worse of it. I tell the middle child what she does and all she does is stare and say "I'm sorry."
I will miss my cats and dog so so so much. I will miss my only niece and Ik she'll miss me too. I was always her favorite aunt. But she is only 2 so she wont remember me anyway.
All I ever wanted in life was to be good at witchcraft (and I was getting there) and to find love. I had a brief encounter but, I wasn't able to be held by him. I really wanted to find my person and merry them. I have so much love to give that it overflows in my heart. The world finds it funny to make me suffer though. I thought teh world was supposed to like witches. We give back to the Earth and spread love and joy into the universe. I guess I'm the exception. I really did find beauty in everything and unfortunately everyone.
Listen to me.
Not everyone deserves your time.
Not everyone deserves you.
If I'd known that maybe I could've had friends that didn't ignore my SH or ctb attempts. I wouldn't have been emotionally abused by them and I wouldn't have tennitous bc of one of them. I would still be alone but happier. I did have a few good friends in high school, the first group split off so I found someone else. He ended up ruining my prom tho. All he wanted to do was get drunk. I couldn't be around that so I had to break off our friendship. The one guy I did date in high school was an old friend and I did actually like him back. My mom kept telling me "he's gonna rape you" so I kept pushing our date back. He was so understanding about it too. There is a rain ditch next to my house so I took him there for your first date. I showed him my favorite graffiti in the tunnels. I thought it was actually better than a café, but he was nice so I ran. I regret that decision every day. I almost had it but I fucked it up like always.
I woke my dad one morning when he was passed out drunk. My sisters kept annoying me when I was trying to tell my mom that I needed help. So I opened the sliding glass door and screamed at the in their rooms. I slammed it shut. My dad jumped up and threw the door open, he grabbed my arm like her did when I was a child, till it was red, and threw me inside. He yelled at me not to slam the door. I was so scared that I could only stare at him from the floor. I ran to my room and never told anyone about my depression.
A few nights later I was so desperate and I know it wouldn't work but I had to do something. I tried to choke myself to death. Stupid Ik but, I was suffering. The hospitals I've been to were good but they didn't work. I was forced to stay in a room with the doctor until I agreed to take meds. I was 18 on the adults unit. So I don't mind the hospitals, they are like a second home to me. I am slow and the routine helped a bite. The stuff was always iffy at the first one but the second one was always good. Ig where I live there are just good ones.
Ik I'm just rambling at this point but there are what my final thoughts are. I aaw New Orleans before I died like I wanted. My mom is working with my cat instead of putting her down. So I will be putting her through more stress sadly. My cat has some mental problems just like her mama.
I will be in my other world as I bleed out. I will not be alone in my head and I will be happy. I do wish I had sex at least once before I go but, its fine I guess. I'll die pure bodied but not pure minded, I kinda find that funny in some weird way. I also wish I could've played the Lyre one last time...
Thank you all. Y'all were my real world family and I love you all so so much that y'all can't know. I have cried so much everytime I have seen someone who was hurting.
The tears I will cry
For you
For the pain
And for the release on this life
My true family
I hope I see you all again
I love you all.
Thank you, all of you.
- Jess
I am tired of feeling guilty that I am 21 and have no job. I don't want one and its been hard to get one. I am a burden on my family... Its probably why they hate me. I do blame them for the trauma they have so nicely put on me. For context my mom and dad are both mentally and emotionally abusive. My dad is an alcoholic narcissistic piece of shit. My mom is a narcissistic gaslighter, who picks the fights and blames me.
I've really tried to help her change but, she only listens to the middle child. She'll take all her anger out on me and my oldest sister (when she was living with us). Though, I do agree, the older sister had the worse of it. I tell the middle child what she does and all she does is stare and say "I'm sorry."
I will miss my cats and dog so so so much. I will miss my only niece and Ik she'll miss me too. I was always her favorite aunt. But she is only 2 so she wont remember me anyway.
All I ever wanted in life was to be good at witchcraft (and I was getting there) and to find love. I had a brief encounter but, I wasn't able to be held by him. I really wanted to find my person and merry them. I have so much love to give that it overflows in my heart. The world finds it funny to make me suffer though. I thought teh world was supposed to like witches. We give back to the Earth and spread love and joy into the universe. I guess I'm the exception. I really did find beauty in everything and unfortunately everyone.
Listen to me.
Not everyone deserves your time.
Not everyone deserves you.
If I'd known that maybe I could've had friends that didn't ignore my SH or ctb attempts. I wouldn't have been emotionally abused by them and I wouldn't have tennitous bc of one of them. I would still be alone but happier. I did have a few good friends in high school, the first group split off so I found someone else. He ended up ruining my prom tho. All he wanted to do was get drunk. I couldn't be around that so I had to break off our friendship. The one guy I did date in high school was an old friend and I did actually like him back. My mom kept telling me "he's gonna rape you" so I kept pushing our date back. He was so understanding about it too. There is a rain ditch next to my house so I took him there for your first date. I showed him my favorite graffiti in the tunnels. I thought it was actually better than a café, but he was nice so I ran. I regret that decision every day. I almost had it but I fucked it up like always.
I woke my dad one morning when he was passed out drunk. My sisters kept annoying me when I was trying to tell my mom that I needed help. So I opened the sliding glass door and screamed at the in their rooms. I slammed it shut. My dad jumped up and threw the door open, he grabbed my arm like her did when I was a child, till it was red, and threw me inside. He yelled at me not to slam the door. I was so scared that I could only stare at him from the floor. I ran to my room and never told anyone about my depression.
A few nights later I was so desperate and I know it wouldn't work but I had to do something. I tried to choke myself to death. Stupid Ik but, I was suffering. The hospitals I've been to were good but they didn't work. I was forced to stay in a room with the doctor until I agreed to take meds. I was 18 on the adults unit. So I don't mind the hospitals, they are like a second home to me. I am slow and the routine helped a bite. The stuff was always iffy at the first one but the second one was always good. Ig where I live there are just good ones.
Ik I'm just rambling at this point but there are what my final thoughts are. I aaw New Orleans before I died like I wanted. My mom is working with my cat instead of putting her down. So I will be putting her through more stress sadly. My cat has some mental problems just like her mama.
I will be in my other world as I bleed out. I will not be alone in my head and I will be happy. I do wish I had sex at least once before I go but, its fine I guess. I'll die pure bodied but not pure minded, I kinda find that funny in some weird way. I also wish I could've played the Lyre one last time...
Thank you all. Y'all were my real world family and I love you all so so much that y'all can't know. I have cried so much everytime I have seen someone who was hurting.
The tears I will cry
For you
For the pain
And for the release on this life
My true family
I hope I see you all again
I love you all.
Thank you, all of you.
- Jess
