MysticPerception
I'm back and I'll still smile for you
- Dec 31, 2019
- 1,252
Alright I'm going to preface this with a sorry for everyone who misses me since I'm going in the morning. As in I'm going tomorrow morning. That's confusing as right now it's after midnight where I live so let me clarify. I'm going take my SN without meto(because fuck waiting I'm tired of that) on 2/4/20 at like I don't know 10AM? 11? I'm not good at being on time so I'm just going to say in the morning. This is EST timezone I'm talking about. It might even be a noon if I wake up late. If I wake up too late I missed my window. I very much expect I may screw up before even getting a chance so don't be surprised if I end up canceling this goodbye.
Furthermore this part is really important actually. I expect to screw up. I'm probably going to get caught. But I want to get caught. I was thinking of Azzy and how they did it and realized I never once actually got real help. I tried to get help like twice, a free therapist once and telling my mother(boy that was stupid) but that's not like real proper professional help. I was diagnosed with minor depression at one point in my life. I was given pills and offered therapy. I turned down the therapy and didn't take the pills. I realize I didn't really give the system a chance to even try and help me. So if I get caught at least I proved it's not just minor depression take me seriously please and if I wake up in a hospital I'm going to sincerely ask for help because I probably need it. I want to succeed and I want to fail. I know that seems like a stupid way to go about getting help but I'm a person who likes to take extreme measures when it feels like life has just put me in a really bad spot and nothing is changing for the better. Minor improvements just aren't enough for me. If it blows up in my face and the system fucks me over I'll just try again later it's fine. Okay preface over time for the proper goodbye.
I love each and every single one of you. Thank you for everything. This isn't goodbye, I WILL see you on the other side if it exists. Well that's if you want to see me if you don't that's okay too. Thank you for all of the support and love you've given me. The resources, the talks, everything. It all helped me feel tremendously better for a time knowing that I belonged and finding like minded people and knowing I could be open and honest about my feelings for once. I can't think of much else to say except I hope you have the courage to do what you want to do when the time comes. Rather than be recovery or ctb. It can be hard to do either and it takes a lot of courage either way.
My regimen is pretty simple.
1 hour before I drink SN I take two tylenol
30 minutes before I take a tums(or nothing not sure on this one)
Then I drink about three glasses of SN with 1 tablesoon in 50ml of water each.
I'm gonna drink the first glass, probably throw up and then drink the other two.
If that regimen sounds really off and lazy since there's no real measurements that's because I expect to screw it up and get caught anyway. As I said before I kind of want to get caught and wake up in a hospital. This is a cry for help as much as this is me really just wanting to end everything.
I suppose to end this I'll put the reason I'm ctbing. I never felt like I truly belong in this world. I've always felt displaced and like me being alive is just wrong. I can never quite place it really the feeling but it's unpleasant to say the least. That's just the start though, I refuse to work for the rest of my life and grow old. Both of those things are terrible. Society is going to shit in first world countries and I want nothing to do with that either. I can't live out life the way I want and being alive is a chore and just full of suffering so I want to be free of it once and for all. Well that's the basics of it anyway. My life has been pretty average but a terrible one none the less. Youngest child, always thought of myself as a spoiled brat who can't do anything right. Never amounted to anything, got into many accidents that nearly killed me and I had one time the scars to prove it that lasted two years. I was always an outcast and the weird kid in school. I still managed to some how have friends despite that but by senior year I lost them completely anyway and I was alone. I've always had online friends since highschool though so it's not like I was alone. In the end though nothing can defeat existential dread and realizing it's all pointless in the end and nothing truly matters. I tried to assign meaning to my life by saying I'll only live to have fun and that's good enough for me. It's not good enough. In fact it's trash and doesn't work at all. How much fun can you have when you have to work every week and you come home dead and hating life. How much fun can you have when you barely get any sleep every single day and struggle to stay awake even on days off? Not much honestly. I fixed my diet, I fixed my sleep, I got more in shape because of my job, none of it was the fix I needed. There is no fix. Life is pointless, the dread wins. But fuck the dread, I'm going to fight it if I fail to die to SN.
Anyway I see three outcomes to my attempt in the morning:
1. I die
2. I get saved and ask for help
3. I cower out after drinking it and call 911
The only other option is me backing down completely which will make this thread super awkward for me so let's hope I can at least pull it off to begin with. Anyway again thanks for everything I'll catch you on the flip side if I end up passing.
Whoops almost forgot to mention I will update the thread before I drink my SN. I'm not gonna just vanish on everyone.
Furthermore this part is really important actually. I expect to screw up. I'm probably going to get caught. But I want to get caught. I was thinking of Azzy and how they did it and realized I never once actually got real help. I tried to get help like twice, a free therapist once and telling my mother(boy that was stupid) but that's not like real proper professional help. I was diagnosed with minor depression at one point in my life. I was given pills and offered therapy. I turned down the therapy and didn't take the pills. I realize I didn't really give the system a chance to even try and help me. So if I get caught at least I proved it's not just minor depression take me seriously please and if I wake up in a hospital I'm going to sincerely ask for help because I probably need it. I want to succeed and I want to fail. I know that seems like a stupid way to go about getting help but I'm a person who likes to take extreme measures when it feels like life has just put me in a really bad spot and nothing is changing for the better. Minor improvements just aren't enough for me. If it blows up in my face and the system fucks me over I'll just try again later it's fine. Okay preface over time for the proper goodbye.
I love each and every single one of you. Thank you for everything. This isn't goodbye, I WILL see you on the other side if it exists. Well that's if you want to see me if you don't that's okay too. Thank you for all of the support and love you've given me. The resources, the talks, everything. It all helped me feel tremendously better for a time knowing that I belonged and finding like minded people and knowing I could be open and honest about my feelings for once. I can't think of much else to say except I hope you have the courage to do what you want to do when the time comes. Rather than be recovery or ctb. It can be hard to do either and it takes a lot of courage either way.
My regimen is pretty simple.
1 hour before I drink SN I take two tylenol
30 minutes before I take a tums(or nothing not sure on this one)
Then I drink about three glasses of SN with 1 tablesoon in 50ml of water each.
I'm gonna drink the first glass, probably throw up and then drink the other two.
If that regimen sounds really off and lazy since there's no real measurements that's because I expect to screw it up and get caught anyway. As I said before I kind of want to get caught and wake up in a hospital. This is a cry for help as much as this is me really just wanting to end everything.
I suppose to end this I'll put the reason I'm ctbing. I never felt like I truly belong in this world. I've always felt displaced and like me being alive is just wrong. I can never quite place it really the feeling but it's unpleasant to say the least. That's just the start though, I refuse to work for the rest of my life and grow old. Both of those things are terrible. Society is going to shit in first world countries and I want nothing to do with that either. I can't live out life the way I want and being alive is a chore and just full of suffering so I want to be free of it once and for all. Well that's the basics of it anyway. My life has been pretty average but a terrible one none the less. Youngest child, always thought of myself as a spoiled brat who can't do anything right. Never amounted to anything, got into many accidents that nearly killed me and I had one time the scars to prove it that lasted two years. I was always an outcast and the weird kid in school. I still managed to some how have friends despite that but by senior year I lost them completely anyway and I was alone. I've always had online friends since highschool though so it's not like I was alone. In the end though nothing can defeat existential dread and realizing it's all pointless in the end and nothing truly matters. I tried to assign meaning to my life by saying I'll only live to have fun and that's good enough for me. It's not good enough. In fact it's trash and doesn't work at all. How much fun can you have when you have to work every week and you come home dead and hating life. How much fun can you have when you barely get any sleep every single day and struggle to stay awake even on days off? Not much honestly. I fixed my diet, I fixed my sleep, I got more in shape because of my job, none of it was the fix I needed. There is no fix. Life is pointless, the dread wins. But fuck the dread, I'm going to fight it if I fail to die to SN.
Anyway I see three outcomes to my attempt in the morning:
1. I die
2. I get saved and ask for help
3. I cower out after drinking it and call 911
The only other option is me backing down completely which will make this thread super awkward for me so let's hope I can at least pull it off to begin with. Anyway again thanks for everything I'll catch you on the flip side if I end up passing.
Whoops almost forgot to mention I will update the thread before I drink my SN. I'm not gonna just vanish on everyone.
