Goodbye and thank you SS-(Method- N)

[xLosthopex]

Well, my time has come.


I've been a fairly active member here for over a year now and am so grateful for the existence of SS. If it were not for this site I would not have survived this past year and would've been forced to go through with a violent, painful method.

I would also like to say thank you to all fellow members for providing me with a sense of community and a place where I could feel safe and understood for the final year of my life. Some people I've gotten to know in more depth than others, I won't be mentioning any names for privacy reasons, but every conversation I've had on here no matter how brief, I've valued greatly.

I could spend hours writing up an essay as to why I've ultimately come to this decision, but my story is long and complex, as I'm sure many on here are, and to be honest I just really don't have the energy to explain everything. I've touched on some of the reasons in a few of my previous posts so some of you may already be somewhat aware of my situation, but to give a very brief summary, I suffer with Anorexia Nervosa, OCD/intrusive thoughts, BPD, depression, autism so have always found life extremely difficult. I've made mistakes and caused hurt to people due to my mental illnesses and the guilt eats me alive every day and has become unbearable. There have been various other environmental/social factors that I've experienced in both the past and recent times that have contributed also.

I do also however want to mention some of the things in life that I was passionate about and made me the person I was, as well as some of the simple things that brought me joy. The main things being veganism and animal rights, nature, science, traveling, my job as an exotic dancer(sorry mom and dad), the simple things such as having a tea or coffee, listening to my favourite music-metalcore, Kpop, musicals such as Phantom of the Opera and Les Misérables, going to shows/concerts, family holidays to Mallorca when I was younger, my favourite tv shows such as Spongebob, Friends, quiz shows, nature documentaries/documentaries in general, alternative fashion, makeup, tattoos, piercings etc.

I would like to give a special mention to my two wonderful dogs Ernie and Lucy who I love more than anything else in the world. I'm so sorry for leaving you, but I know mommy and daddy will take good care of you, please look after each other. I love you both so so much.

And to be parents who have been the best parents I could've asked for, I'm sorry my life did not turn out the way you would have liked it to and that you didn't agree with some of my life choices, but I hope you know that you did everything for me that you possibly could so please do not for a second blame yourselves for anything. I love you so much.


Sorry I guess that did end up being a bit of an essay in the end lol


So anyway, I'll cut to the chase



Method- N from A



I will be drinking 2x 100ml bottles of N from A


Around 40mins before I will take the stat dose of anti-emetics, I was unable to obtain metoclopramide, however I have Stemetil and domperidone and I have opted to go with Stemetil. I will take 3x 5mg tablets around 40mins before drinking N.


I will follow that with a shot of Hennessy to hopefully help with the taste and efficacy.


I will be doing this at home(my parents house) in my bedroom and will leave a note for my parents to call the police, also a notebook for my parents with funeral instructions, and other general ctb note stuff, nothing special. As much as they'll be devastated it won't really be a shock to anyone who knew me well. I will leave a note on top of the notebook for the police briefly explaining what I did and what the substance in the bottles is. The note will also ask to return the notebook to my parents once they are finished with the investigation.


I will probably listen to my favourite song by my favourite band on my way out- "I Bring the Weather With Me" by The Amity Affliction

I will set a picture of my dogs as my Lock Screen on my phone as I want them to be the last thing I ever see.


Will post updates for as long as possible but, all going to plan, I should lose consciousness quickly and suddenly meaning I won't be able to log out or clear my internet history, so after I post that I've drank the N maybe mods should start the timer from then as to when to ban my account ? Even if it still shows I'm online(not sure how all that stuff works lol)


Wish me luck!

-A

 

[sully]

Good luck!

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

You're going to do what you're going to do...though in reading that you have luv for your parents I don't think doing it in their house is a good idea. But...whatever happens good luck.

 

[xLosthopex]

You're going to do what you're going to do...though in reading that you have luv for your parents I don't think doing it in their house is a good idea. But...whatever happens good luck.

I live here, this is where I've always lived. And I can't afford a hotel right now. This is where I'm most comfortable with doing it, I want to die in my own bed.
As I said, I've left a note as a warning to call the police

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you peace.

 

[Fakereality]

Good luck have a peaceful journey.

 

[xLosthopex]

Ok I've just taken the stat dose of anti-emetics
So I guess 30-40 mins from now I will drink N
I know that was quick but I typed this all out earlier in notes app and didn't want to post until I was ready

 

[Peel_the_Banana]

As a long time lurker, I've read bits and pieces of your story. It sounds as if life has been a roller coaster ride. I'm sorry you are here but I am happy that you will find peace soon. Life can be so exhausting and there can be relief in finally achieving rest.

My heart is with you. Sending you hugs...

 

[angelus]

May you find the much desired peace. I'll keep your dear memory in my soul till the day I'll join as well.

 

[Peel_the_Banana]

Ok I've just taken the stat dose of anti-emetics
So I guess 30-40 mins from now I will drink N
I know that was quick but I typed this all out earlier in notes app and didn't want to post until I was ready

Do you plan on doing a quick taste first or hold your nose one and done?

If a taste test is involved it would be great if you could tell us how horrible it is on a scale of 1-10. 10 being awful.

 

[xLosthopex]

Do you plan on doing a quick taste first or hold your nose one and done?

If a taste test is involved it would be great if you could tell us how horrible it is on a scale of 1-10. 10 being awful.

I think I'll just have a sniff first I guess lol and pour into a glass and down it, I'll say how it smells and if possible how it tastes once I've drank it
Still have not yet opened the bottles, don't want to until the last moment

 

[Life sucks]

I wish you peace and no suffering.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

Is it hard to open the bottles?

 

[checkouttime]

Do you plan on doing a quick taste first or hold your nose one and done?

If a taste test is involved it would be great if you could tell us how horrible it is on a scale of 1-10. 10 being awful.

i think it might depend on each individual myself. Everyone has different tastes I mean i have a really bad sense of smell and it effects how well i taste things. it doesn't taste like coca cola but i've tasted alot worse. i mean old men/ladies can do it easily enough.

if you want to see a person actually drinking it then there's a video, he doesn't even bat an eyelid!!

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/real-evidence-of-a-person-taking-nembutal.68430/#post-1258054

also one of the moderators posted this in another thread

So I know someone who has N from A and they tested a little drop of it. They said it tastes very bitter and a bit like wodka but they also confirmed that it isn't as bad as people say it does.

 

[xLosthopex]

Currently listening to my favourite song

Is it hard to open the bottles?

Will let you know when I try!

 

[checkouttime]

Is it hard to open the bottles?

there's video on how to do it somewhere on here. I have lots of bottles of steroids that have the same lids, i can open one in a matter of seconds and thats with a screwdriver aswell and not even scissors lol. I just stuck it in the lid and it literally just tears like paper and the whole thing just popped off. I was surprised how easy it was even without the right tools, i guess i should of expected it to be easy though as old people can do it and i'm not an old person!!!!!

EDIT i found the link

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Goodbye, friend. I hope your last moments won't be horrible.…
I hate that you have to leave, but I believe you know what you're doing.
Have a safe and peaceful journey.

 

[xLosthopex]

there's video on how to do it somewhere on here. I have lots of bottles of steroids that have the same lids, i can open one in a matter of seconds and thats with a screwdriver aswell and not even scissors lol. I just stuck it in the lid and it literally just tears like paper and the whole thing just popped off. I was surprised how easy it was even without the right tools, i guess i should of expected it to be easy though as old people can do it and i'm not an old person!!!!!

Wait shit I don't know how to open the bottles! I just popped off the blue cap on one… not sure what to do now lol

 

[checkouttime]

Wait shit I don't know how to open the bottles! I just popped off the blue cap on one… not sure what to do now lol

you don't even have to open them like in the video. you could pierce a hole through the rubber stopper with scissors , a knife a screwdriver, anything really you don't have to take the metal bit off , its only rubber after all. or its possible to even force the rubber stopper into the bottle by just pushing it.

 

[Peel_the_Banana]

i think it might depend on each individual myself. Everyone has different tastes I mean i have a really bad sense of smell and it effects how well i taste things. it doesn't taste like coca cola but i've tasted alot worse. i mean old men/ladies can do it easily enough.

if you want to see a person actually drinking it then there's a video, he doesn't even bat an eyelid!!

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/real-evidence-of-a-person-taking-nembutal.68430/#post-1258054

also one of the moderators posted this in another thread

So I know someone who has N from A and they tested a little drop of it. They said it tastes very bitter and a bit like wodka but they also confirmed that it isn't as bad as people say it does.

May not be the same thing? He could be drinking a powdered version which may taste different. There appears to be much less liquid than 200ml. idk.

 

[checkouttime]

May not be the same thing? He could be drinking a powdered version which may taste different. There appears to be much less liquid than 200ml. idk.

when they do the powdered N its only in 50ml of water. that guy is holding a pint pot and its about half full, a pint is 568 ml. so i would guess that what he is taking is liquid N and 200ml, it certainly isn't 50ml like they give the powder form in.

 

[Sans]

I hope it's not too late to say goodbye… That sense of comfort and belonging you mentioned? That wouldn't be possible without people like you who helped contribute to the atmosphere of this place.

Thank you.

I hope you find peace, wherever that may be.

 

[peacefulhorizons]

It's so sad to see you go. We will miss you

Sweet barbiturate dreams

 

[xLosthopex]

Ok opened! Thank you for that
Cut myself a bit opening them lol but thankfully had a nail scissors handy
Doesn't smell too bad in my opinion, a bit just like alcohol I guess
Just poured the 2 bottles into a pint glass and wow it looks like a lot of liquid:/
Oh fuck I'm so anxious
Just dipped my tongue and it's like alcoholic petrol or something
Guys I am so scared why am I not drinking it ??!!!

 

[SuicidalAgain]

Guys I am so scared why am I not drinking it ??!!!

You don't have to go through with it if you don't feel like you're ready. I think the community supports whatever you decide.

 

[angelus]

Take it easy, relax, there's no need to be in a rush. Maybe it's not the day. You can reconsider it any moment you like. I wish you can relax and think about the happy and peaceful moments in your life, when you had no worries and everything around you looked perfect. Dream....

 

[xLosthopex]

I know it's the right decision, stupid SI again…

 

[death137]

I know it's a hard thing to do and will totally understand if you don't go with it. But if you do then I hope you pass peacefully.

 

[xLosthopex]

There's so fucking much!!

 

[Midgardsorm]

I wish you peace.

If you feel that you're not ready, it's okay to postpone.
You have everything you needed don't feel obligated to do now, alright?