Good things have happened but all I feel is an impending sense of doom

[inmyhead]

My ex and I split up in November last year, then got back together at the end of January. Then broke up a week later. Then got back together a month later and finally split up in mid-May for good. We've had no contact since. I tried to catch the bus the day after we split and then chickened out. I tried again a couple of weeks later and SI kicked in. Since then I've been trying to focus on recovery.

And it's helped. I have days where I am happy. I have entire weeks where I am happy. I've been seeing the mental health team and had my meds adjusted. It's been okay.

I met a girl - someone I already knew but we got to talking at a big event I organised on 1 July. We agreed to go on a date. One date led to two, then three, then four. We've been on quite a few dates now. I've spent the night at her house. We've had sex (first person since my ex).

This morning she asked if I wanted to be 'official' with her. I said yes. But immediately after I felt this horrible impending sense of doom that I've not been able to shake all day. When im with her I am really happy, I know she likes me. I do like her too.

But I'm so fucked up. I have BPD, my relationship with my ex messed me up badly. It made me have a total BPD episode. My first in 5.5 years. I felt totally worthless without him, and I watched as we argued and fell apart and it was just awful. I feel like I'm going to fuck this up and ruin it too.

Im also aware it's only been like 2.5 months since my ex and I split and this is fast to already be in a relationship with someone else. But I do like her, she does make me happy.

Im putting on a front with the general public where I live (I live in a really small place where everyone is really up in everyone's business) to say I have moved on and I'm not looking back. And that is true. I can never go back to my ex. But I am still so hurt by how it all went down.

I want to just get over it already so I can focus on this girl. She bought me flowers, she messages me every day. She's telling me how happy she is and how it's never felt this right before. And I'm scared. Im so scared I'm going to hurt her, or this is all going to fall apart.

I've had positive relationships before. Naturally they've all ended but not extremely badly. Normally we've just grown apart, or it doesn't work out. I had a 3.5 year relationship, we were engaged, and I ended it because during lockdown I realised we had no shared hobbies, and I wasn't getting what I needed from them. I walked away and had to accept I was the villain in that story. The relationship before we ended because he changed a lot while we were together and we ended up having radically politically different views and it was impacting every conversation we had. My ex had never been in a relationship before (and he was terrible at communicating, and said some really awful things to me). Why did I keep going back? Why am I still thinking about him?

I'm sorry I just needed to vent. I don't know what to do. End it with the girl and ruin something that could be really good, or keep going and hope I get over this feeling.

I tried to speak to my mam and she said to just enjoy it, she makes me happy and I need to stop overthinking things.

I don't know how to shake it.
Although I have BPD so for all I know I could wake up feeling completely fine tomorrow

 

[timf]

There are two possible problem areas.

The first is that BPD can be taxing for the other party. If you are honest and up front with her, she may be able to better weather your dark periods.

The second is that you seem to focus on what you get from others and perhaps may not have a good idea of how to give. When one party in a relationship is always taking, the relationship often does not last.