Well, this is weird feeling. But weird in a weird way - I don't really feel like anything. I don't feel much differently than any other day. I don't have any bucket list. I'm actually wasting time on useless stuff, as usual. I think it just proves that this is the right decision. I don't care about anything. My whole world at this point is anhedonic and my whole life was a joke. I just feel a bit of disappointment for not trying to have more serious music career earlier. Even if I died at the same age as I do now, maybe at least I would leave an obscure album or two behind, so I would feel some kind of fulfilment and would be able to be just genuinely happy about this whole dying thing, because music was the only thing I truly loved and that really helped my fucked mind to shut up. If music didn't exist I would probably kill myself at the age of 11. I'm schizoid, I was always different, I hated life already barely after it started. I recall declaring to my siblings at one point when I was like 6 yo, that life doesn't have any purpose, it's not worth working, so suicide is actually reasonable option. Guess what, 20 years later, and I still think exactly the same.
Some of us just get unlucky character to watch this game as. Not our fault. But I don't exactly know what society wants from us. I can't live and I can't die, because suicide is booo. I don't get it. I don't get why don't they get it.
Some of us just get unlucky character to watch this game as. Not our fault. But I don't exactly know what society wants from us. I can't live and I can't die, because suicide is booo. I don't get it. I don't get why don't they get it.
