nofun.intended
i hate being alive is amazing
- Oct 18, 2022
- 39
TLDR: My experiences with peers around my age have been really shitty. I'm tired of being treated as a sex doll, even though I was also agreeing to be treated as such because I thought the 5 min confidence boost was worth it. I hate myself and my body, so I'm trying to improve my appearance with the gym and a macro(?) diet. Maybe my gym-babe physique will get me a trad-husband so I can become the trad-wife that cooks, cleans, bakes, and childcares. That would be a dream come true.
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I don't know how to talk to girls my age, meaning It's almost impossible for me to have friends. I hate the social-media lingo they use, and I hate how it changes so often. When I try to participate in a conversation, they say I talk "weird" and I'm "so monotone". So I find it easier to talk to guys, but I also hate it because I don't want people seeing me as one of those girls, you know? I'm not like that. Well, maybe I was before but not anymore. I used to slut myself out to anyone that had a big enough penis, but that was because I got a lot of my self-worth from pleasing men.
The reason I don't act that way anymore is because I'm realizing that I end up feeling so hurt after they leave. And they didn't even try to hide how quickly they want to leave my apartment. It leaves me feeling so shitty. I think "what did I do wrong? did I not perform well enough? do they not like my apartment? did I say something? did I not say something?" I don't want to feel like a discarded piece of meat anymore. But I can't bring myself to get into the dating scene. I've talked to so many different guys and I'm just not impressed by anyone anymore. I don't feel much as is. I feel like I always walk around with this "I fucking hate everything" expression on my face and I feel like it scares everyone off. Maybe that's why I don't have any friends. Maybe that's why people think I'm weird and why people don't make the effort to get to know me. I probably scare them off. But then hold the same expression when I'm walking around downtown Springfield (MA) and I still have grown men staring at me, whistling, calling out, beeping their fucking horns at me. It's disgusting. I hate it. I feel like it's my fault. I should be covering up but it's summer and I like wearing dresses and shorts in the summer.
That's why I can't go back to cutting at the moment, because people will see on my arms and legs and I'll feel embarrassed if they stare. I would have a lot worse of a time getting a boyfriend if I had fresh cuts and scabs all over my body. They can be so ruthless and nasty about it. But I don't feel like I have love inside me at all. I feel like I've been turned cold. Emotionless and mute. I just feel like I don't have the mental capacity to include anyone else in my life. I feel like that sounds selfish, but honestly all of my time is being put into myself at the moment. I'm trying to distract my suicidal thoughts with keeping myself busy. I'm trying to work as many hours as I can so I can have some extra spending cash to decorate my apartment and go to the lake, but apparently full-time is 25 hours in Hot Table's eyes. So when I'm not working, I like to deliver food with Uber for some extra cash. Only problem is that I've been struggling to find time to Uber, because I've started going to the gym 5 days a week.
I thought that maybe I'd feel better about myself if my body looked different. I'm 135lbs and 5'6". I used to be 120 a few years ago. I'd like to be low like that again. I want to be skinny and I hate how I'm bottom heavy. I hate the way my body looks. I wish I liked myself but I just hate looking in the mirror and seeing that this is me. This is the body I was given and this is my vessel until I die. I'm trying to improve my body by toning my muscles and burning some fat and eating more balanced meals, but what If it doesn't help anything? That's all changing my physical attributes. What about my mental attributes? I've felt the same inside since I was in middle school... I don't think much is going to change about who I am inside. But that worries me because I don't want to be alone forever. I'm living this quiet life and grinding for each week's paycheck, but at some point down the road I'm going to want to settle down and get married.
I want to be a stay-at-home housewife that cooks and cleans and runs errands. If I end up having a child or two, I'll be taking care of them as well. Thinking of getting married makes me nervous though. I don't want my husband to be sneaky and cheat on me with his work-wife, and I don't want my husband to come home from work and beat the shit out of me for whatever reason he pulls out of his ass. I want to have a happy and healthy marriage, but in my family's history, those are extremely few and far between. I just think it would be nice though. I'd have someone to care for me, someone who loves me and does so much that they pledge their love in a law-binding testament. I just can't bring myself to go through the dating process in order to get to marriage. It's hard to find the gentlemen, and I don't think I can keep looking if it means going through 15 more shit-bags to find the one polite and genuine guy. I've given up, pretty much, but the loneliness still aches in my chest.
I'm going to continue my path of self-improvement for as long as I can. I'm going to see how far I can go, and if I can see any results from it. I'll post updates here and there, whenever I remember to. These are my goals...
<3
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I don't know how to talk to girls my age, meaning It's almost impossible for me to have friends. I hate the social-media lingo they use, and I hate how it changes so often. When I try to participate in a conversation, they say I talk "weird" and I'm "so monotone". So I find it easier to talk to guys, but I also hate it because I don't want people seeing me as one of those girls, you know? I'm not like that. Well, maybe I was before but not anymore. I used to slut myself out to anyone that had a big enough penis, but that was because I got a lot of my self-worth from pleasing men.
The reason I don't act that way anymore is because I'm realizing that I end up feeling so hurt after they leave. And they didn't even try to hide how quickly they want to leave my apartment. It leaves me feeling so shitty. I think "what did I do wrong? did I not perform well enough? do they not like my apartment? did I say something? did I not say something?" I don't want to feel like a discarded piece of meat anymore. But I can't bring myself to get into the dating scene. I've talked to so many different guys and I'm just not impressed by anyone anymore. I don't feel much as is. I feel like I always walk around with this "I fucking hate everything" expression on my face and I feel like it scares everyone off. Maybe that's why I don't have any friends. Maybe that's why people think I'm weird and why people don't make the effort to get to know me. I probably scare them off. But then hold the same expression when I'm walking around downtown Springfield (MA) and I still have grown men staring at me, whistling, calling out, beeping their fucking horns at me. It's disgusting. I hate it. I feel like it's my fault. I should be covering up but it's summer and I like wearing dresses and shorts in the summer.
That's why I can't go back to cutting at the moment, because people will see on my arms and legs and I'll feel embarrassed if they stare. I would have a lot worse of a time getting a boyfriend if I had fresh cuts and scabs all over my body. They can be so ruthless and nasty about it. But I don't feel like I have love inside me at all. I feel like I've been turned cold. Emotionless and mute. I just feel like I don't have the mental capacity to include anyone else in my life. I feel like that sounds selfish, but honestly all of my time is being put into myself at the moment. I'm trying to distract my suicidal thoughts with keeping myself busy. I'm trying to work as many hours as I can so I can have some extra spending cash to decorate my apartment and go to the lake, but apparently full-time is 25 hours in Hot Table's eyes. So when I'm not working, I like to deliver food with Uber for some extra cash. Only problem is that I've been struggling to find time to Uber, because I've started going to the gym 5 days a week.
I thought that maybe I'd feel better about myself if my body looked different. I'm 135lbs and 5'6". I used to be 120 a few years ago. I'd like to be low like that again. I want to be skinny and I hate how I'm bottom heavy. I hate the way my body looks. I wish I liked myself but I just hate looking in the mirror and seeing that this is me. This is the body I was given and this is my vessel until I die. I'm trying to improve my body by toning my muscles and burning some fat and eating more balanced meals, but what If it doesn't help anything? That's all changing my physical attributes. What about my mental attributes? I've felt the same inside since I was in middle school... I don't think much is going to change about who I am inside. But that worries me because I don't want to be alone forever. I'm living this quiet life and grinding for each week's paycheck, but at some point down the road I'm going to want to settle down and get married.
I want to be a stay-at-home housewife that cooks and cleans and runs errands. If I end up having a child or two, I'll be taking care of them as well. Thinking of getting married makes me nervous though. I don't want my husband to be sneaky and cheat on me with his work-wife, and I don't want my husband to come home from work and beat the shit out of me for whatever reason he pulls out of his ass. I want to have a happy and healthy marriage, but in my family's history, those are extremely few and far between. I just think it would be nice though. I'd have someone to care for me, someone who loves me and does so much that they pledge their love in a law-binding testament. I just can't bring myself to go through the dating process in order to get to marriage. It's hard to find the gentlemen, and I don't think I can keep looking if it means going through 15 more shit-bags to find the one polite and genuine guy. I've given up, pretty much, but the loneliness still aches in my chest.
I'm going to continue my path of self-improvement for as long as I can. I'm going to see how far I can go, and if I can see any results from it. I'll post updates here and there, whenever I remember to. These are my goals...
- go to the gym 5 days a week. arms & shoulders, glutes, chest, back, abs, and legs. yoga on sundays. (been 3 weeks strong)
- eat more fruits and veggies. have more balanced meals. high protein and low-calorie meals.
- quit nicotine. (as of 5/26/2024 at 10:33pm, I've been clean for 36 hours lmao)
- quit chewing my fingernails. (I don't want people staring at my fingernails weird anymore. I wanna be able to polish them and not have ugly cuticles)
<3
